The Frustration is UNFATHOMABLE! (said with great anger and lots of spit)

I wish there was some magic bank account that mom's could dip into when their babies were really in need.  A universal well that we all donate to, so that when a baby really needs help the cash is there.  Not for candy, toys, or a cute outfit for some wayside occasion, but for their health and well being.  

You would think this was our paid private insurance, but sadly no.  The money that my husband gives (I say "gives", because the word "pays" implies some sort of service is exchanged and that hasn't really been happenin') to the insurance company every month only covers certain things at certain times and will only give you those services if you give the cute girl guarding the pen bouquet pot twenty more fucking dollars.  (Yeah I said the f-word, wassup?  Pissed here, real reason to swear).  Private insurance can bite my ASS!  It doesn't work for poor patients, it doesn't work for employees, it DOESN'T work!  I don't understand why we should have to pay through the nose for something that I don't get to access.  My little ultrasound I had the other day, that found nothing (thank goodness), and the girl belittled me and insulted my intelligence, cost us a pretty penny of $189.48 that we don't have!  Nice huh?

But I digress, the real reason I am pissed is because I have been doing research on a new therapy method that could help Elodie and it is not covered my insurance.  One of the practitioners of this method, lives so close to us, and does one on one sessions with children charges $150.00 for a half hour! GAH!  There is no way we can afford that, and she would need several sessions.  ARGH!  It is very upsetting.

The method is called Anat Baniel Method of Feldenkrais.  It has been proven to help all sorts of disorders and such.  You should Google it, it is pretty interesting stuff.  I could use it to ease my frustrations right about now.  I have found a studio downtown that practices Feldenkrais, but not this particular method.  I am not sure yet if there is much of a difference other than she (Anat Baniel) focuses on disabilities and disorders.  I don't know yet if the other studio works with kids either.  I have emailed them to see.

But really....  Blah, blah, blah whatever.  I just want someone to help me teach my baby to walk. That is all I want in this world or any other, and if she won't ever be able to... That is fine, I would just like to be able try everything, everything I possibly can to help her and my sanity!

Senator Obama?  Can you make that magic momma bank account for all the mom's out there that really need help for their babies?  I hope you can!  Oh and stop the war, and bring our troops home.  What a job your gonna have, dude you are brave. 

Past, Present, Future....

I was thinking today that I should update the blog for all of my faithful readers.  ; )  But I always check in on my friends when I do and came across Mandy's blog.  She is an awesome blogger. She updates all the time.  She has great pictures and funny stories that remind me of when I was living in Vernal and being a kid.  She was tagged to do a "survey" of the past, present, and future. Once you read it your tagged.  So if you have a blog you have to do this too and tell me so I can read yours.  Here it goes.

20 Years Ago.....

1. I was almost nine and we were living in West Valley getting ready to move to Palo Alto, California.  We only stayed about a year and a few months in both places.  West Valley was really awful for me.  I didn't have many friends and was terrorized by this evil neighbor kid.  We were pretty unsupervised, as usual, but being in West Valley I was exposed to really horrible stuff at a very early age.

2. I was really depressed kid.  My brother was an angry kid and took it out on me a lot.  My aunt lived with us.  We had dogs, Snuggles, Binky and Beau Jeau.  My mom had a terrible boyfriend that I hated.  I missed my grandparents a lot.

3. I started to read actual books.  I loved the Baby Sitter's Club series, Anne of Green Gables and anything by Judy Bloom.  I am so glad I found reading at this time.  I would have been a lost kid with out it.  I also loved to write stories and wanted to become a writer when I grew up.  My other aunt Narvene taught me how to crochet.  *Hugs,* three of my favorite things were discovered at this time. 

10 Years Ago...

1. I was working as a photographer for Kiddy Kandids and Volume (the school portrait division).  This time of year, I would have been starting on the Senior portraits and working in the studio.  I was LOADED!  No one that young should make that much money.  I had no bills, except for my car and made about $25-$35 dollars an hour.  Sigh.

2. I was living with Matt Farnsworth in my first apartment on 5oo East.  It was such a weird place.  The tenants below us would blare 50's pop all stinking day and night.  So I would sing opera really loudly in the shower.  

3. I met Monro's dad.

Camden and I eloping in our So. Temple apartment February 2003

5 Years Ago...

1. I was recently married to the man I was supposed to marry all along, Camden.  We were living in our apartment on South Temple.  Our neighbors were Alex and Eric and we would have dinner parties all the time.

2. My Monro was three and hated me.  He didn't have the terrible twos, he had the terrible threes.  He was so evil at times.

3. I just started esthetics school.  I was working at IHC before that and was sick of wasting away in that office.  I had three surgeries that year and needed to have more fun and support.  I had to quit that awful office job.

3 Years Ago...

1.  I was just barely pregnant with our Joaquin.  We had just moved into this house in Holladay. Camden's studio was up and running and I was working in my esthetics room out of our house and Akasha.  In July we would take our first real vacation together, to Oregon to see the waterfalls.  It was kind of our belated honeymoon.

2. Monro was getting ready to start kindergarten at Morningside.  He was doing well with moving into the new house, but me being pregnant was hard for him.  He thought he would be replaced because he was/is only here half the time.  I started the ridiculously hard and expensive process of trying to get full custody of him.  One of the biggest regrets of my life, it caused such heart ache for Camden and me.  

3. I was painting the living room three different colors.  Ugh.  It was so hard.  I repainted it taupe last summer.  The colors were too dark in the end.

Elodie on her birthday.  We tried to get the NICU to give us this blanket, but they wouldn't.  She's our little Valentine.

1 Year Ago...

1. Welcome Elodie!  She was a little over a month old and cute as ever!

2. Joaquin was walking, talking and getting into everything.  Somethings don't change.  Monro had just finished the first grade and was still in karate.

3. Camden and I were so happy that our little family was complete, we got our girl.  He was about to play the Art's Festival with Cavedoll.  Back then it was just JanetMarie, him and the video.    

Camden and Janet playing the Art's Festival last year.

So Far This Year...

1. Camden got a great job working for Albion Financial.  The people he works with are so fun. He added Allison, Ryan and me to the live line up of Cavedoll and we have been playing like crazy.  He released 15 albums this year.  New stuff and old stuff.  Hopefully he can stop for a bit now, but who knows if he can exhibit that sort of restraint.

2. I have tried my best at being Mommy of the Year.  Only achieving this title in my own home. They all don't know any better.  Their just kids.  

3. Monro is going into the THRID grade!  Joaquin is Mr. Mischief and Elodie is my angel face. They are all pretty cheerful and well adjusted kids.  But I wish Joaquin would stop the screaming thing!  Does my head in, it does!

Yesterday...

1. During the day we didn't do much.  I crocheted, the kids played, Elodie and I did her therapy, and I shared a popsicle with Joaquin.

2. Camden came home and love was returned to my heart.  It is a special time.  I went to the store with Joaquin to grab something for dinner.  Frozen pizza, see I did say "Mom of the Year."  

3. Then we had band practice.  It was a good practice, but the best thing that happened yesterday....SHOES!  Allison got some free designer shoes from a friend and since we are the same size, she was generous enough to share the wealth!  They are beautiful and I am so grateful.  I normally just get Converse and Payless, so this was a crazy treat.  They are so beautiful!

Today...

1. Well not much has gone on today since it is still early in the day.  

2. Joaquin woke up with puffy eyes.  He has allergies so I gave him some meds and he watched a movie cuddled on the couch in my shawl.  He is now taking a nap because he is all drugged up. Monro is downstairs listening to Harry Potter books on CD and Elodie is playing on her new play rug.

3. I'm still in my jamas and when I am done with this I will do my daily yoga and then get cute. Not sure what to wear today.  I will crochet, of course, and create.  I hope to finish a present I am making.  I hope to spend sometime with my busy husband.  I want a date, damn it!

Tomorrow...

1. More cleaning and feeding of babies.

2. Shopping for groceries.

3. BBQ at Ryan and Kelli's.  They have an amazing yard that is like a kid paradise.  Tramp, bikes, basketball court, lots of soft green grass to roll in, and tons of fun kids to play with.  For the grown ups there is a huge grill, lovely deck with comfy chairs, a fire and great company.  It will be so fun.  Our friends and their kids have been such an asset to our lives.

Next Year...

1. We don't have any set plans really.  So I can only speculate.

2. Elodie will be walking and she will begin her preparation for the New York Ballet.  Joaquin will be three and starting his second major label release.  Monro will be nine and starting his first novel all about dragons and kung fu.

3. Camden and I will still be in love and hopefully he will learn to take more time to smell the roses.  I don't know where I will be or what I will be doing.  I have so many ideas.  I have thought about going back to school, (yes, again) to get my nursing degree officially, or to do a yoga instructors' course.  I'm not sure.  I do know that if I go, I'm going to need a lot of help and support and all of that isn't in place.  I would fail ridiculously if my babies weren't cared for or if we have to put them in daycare.  I feel that this time before the kids go to school is my cocoon phase.  I need to use this time to figure out what I'm going to do with myself once my babies are all off being big kids.  Hooray FUTURE!

So yeah....TAG YOU'RE IT!!!

The Elodie Sessions 2

Elodie had another physical therapy session yesterday.  She did so well.  It is really amazing how quickly she is learning.  Elodie even learned a new skill.  She now can change position from laying flat on her back, to sitting on her bum.  Woo-hoo, this is huge!  She bounced on the yoga ball, reached way up high for toys, and did some tall kneeling.  All of these "play" exercises will help her strengthen her back and abdomen and will help her eventually engage her legs.  

Emily suggested we get some orthopedic shorts called "hipsters," they have a webbing in between the legs.  These things are designed to keep baby's legs from doing the "W" sit.  Which is when the kid sits with their legs bent underneath them, but instead of the feet being tucked in under their bum, the feet point outward toward the side.  This kind of sitting is not good for Elodie's hips and could cause her to have a wide staggered walk, when she does eventually start walking.  So immediately when we were finished with the session I went online to look for the shorts.

I couldn't find them anywhere on the web, but I did find something I think will work way better.  They are called Happy Straps.  They are like the shorts in that they will help keep Elodie's legs from splaying out to the side, but they are like a belt and can go over or under her clothes.  I think these will be much easier to deal with then the shorts.  The shorts I guess are made of neoprene and we do early potty training with Elodie, so there would be no easy on and off.  Anyone that has put tights on a baby knows what a fight that is.  I can't even imagine dealing with that everyday!  No thanks!  The Happy Straps just unsnap and drop.  Bam, baby on potty!

The woman that invented the Happy Straps invented them for her son who has hypotonia, after not being able to find something that worked to tuck his legs into the right position.  She got the short thingies and they proved to be an easy match for her son.  While wearing them he still could do the "W" sit.  He started wearing her invention and now he runs, jumps, and tumbles just like any other little boy.  Her name is Janet and she herself emailed me when I had some questions.  How great is that?  She had a genuine interest in Elodie and her condition.  Happy Straps has great costumer service, she even dropped me a line when the straps shipped out today!  I can't wait to get them and try them out on Elodie.  She will probably hate them at first, because they won't let her move in the incorrect way she is used to.  She will adapt, she is a fighter!

Elodie's therapist Emily is going to be moving on to a new job with the Primary Children's group, so we are going to get a new person soon.  I hope that Elodie takes to her new therapist as well as she did Emily.  But my girl likes to meet new people and isn't that shy.  Elodie is moving like crazy all over the floor and has such a need to get up and explore.  It is great to see. Keep sending her good vibes, she will keep improving, and I will keep updating.  I am so stinking proud of her!   

Attack of the Lady Bits!!!

This just seems like the most frustrating thing.  Why do women's sexual organs start to attack their host?  I have been having this pain on my right side for about two weeks and it has finally become unbearable.  I went to the see the nurse practitioner this morning.  My regular doctor is on maternity leave.  The nurse practitioner is named Paulette and was a total glamazon, I loved her, styling from head to toe.  You could take bad news from a girl like her, you'd be so distracted by her cute capris and boots to care.  I didn't get any bad news really, but I did have to go in for an ultrasound.

So I went back to the hospital for an ultrasound later this afternoon.  This all turned out sucky for me.  First thing, I had to have a full bladder.  My lady friends know how bad this, they push and glide the wand over your full bladder and it takes every ounce of strength not to pee everywhere.  Second thing, my bladder wasn't full enough, so the tech had to use the other wand, the internal wand yuk!  The technician was so upset and exasperated by this, frankly so was I.  How do you know how full your bladder is?  If you have too pee, then it should seem good enough, right?  It never is, it's never simple.  Third thing, the technician was rude.  She was kind of annoyed about my abdominal plasty scar.  Saying that the reason I was having this pain was because of scar tissue that could be forming around the scar.  Yeah, that could happen, but I know that is not what is happening!  I had my surgery months ago and have been healed for months.  This pain just started two weeks ago.  It was as if she was judging me because of getting plastic surgery.  I wanted to yell at her, "Look you aren't a doctor, you have no idea when I had my surgery, and you have no idea what I am feeling!  So keep your uneducated diagnosis to yourself."  I didn't of course because I am a wimp, but I did say, "I would prefer to hear what the doctor has to say, thanks."  People need to perform their work correctly and speak within the scope of their license.  An ultrasound technician license does not make you a junior radiologist!  It just doesn't!

So yeah that was my crap day.  I think my ovary is attacking me and I got attitude from the ultasound technician.  Uh!  I won't know what is up with me until tomorrow.  But I don't think it is anything serious.  Probably just a cyst, I have had them before.  I don't know why women have to deal with this stuff all the time.  Cramps, blood, moods, cysts, babies, water weight enough all ready!  Just be chill lady bits, please!    

Once Upon a Time...

Me @ 17-------------------------------------------->
I watched a great movie the other night.  "Into the Wild,"  it is a book, and I can't wait to read it.  I usually read the books first and then have lots to complain about when I see the movie.  It reminded me of a person I used to be ten years ago.  Before babies, jobs, school, divorce, pain and love.  I was an immensely confident person, cocky at times, but with that came fearlessness.  I was so not shy.  I would laugh loud and sing out whatever song was stuck in my head.  I would wear ballet costumes to the grocery store and see how many flowers I could fit in my hair.  I would hardly wear make-up and had no concerns if I looked gorgeous with or without it.  I had no fear of dirt or natural water and didn't mind if I got a stain on my shirt.  I made or altered all my clothes, and in my junior year rarely wore the same thing twice.  I was a bohemia girl, a classy type of hippy.  I loved people truly and deeply without the fear of getting a big fat fuck you when I needed some love or help.  I danced, I sang, I acted, I screamed, I called people to hang out, I looked for ways to push myself and push I did.  Maybe too far, to the point I guess where I craved a closed mouth.

I was big in spirit and then something happened.  I became domesticated.  I have been trained so to speak, to not speak.  I have given in to what is liked and not liked.  I have lived for awhile, to some extent, to please and not to be pleased.  I feel as if I have to watch my words, watch myself and not be that big spirit that is hiding.  I love my life.  I know right now it doesn't sound pleasant, but it really is!  I have loved being there for my hubby and kids and don't plan on changing that whatsoever.  I just feel I have given in a lot to my husband and kids like a lot of women do.  I am not very fussy and giving is in my nature.  I would much rather make people happy then get my way.

But being this way I have recently noticed it has caused a great deal of self doubt and insecurity that I never had before.  I question myself all the time and feel like a dork for being expressive. I really used to fight against this as a kid, but forgot how.  Just as an example, the other night we played a show and I went crazy.  I dance, sang, shouted, acted, pretended, became the girl I once was....but afterward I felt so LAME!  I felt that I was far too over the top, because when I see bands I just see boys stand and play.  They are rarely shaking it at all, and never show their underwear, yeah, I kinda showed my underwear.  Our last drummer kinda pick on my about talking too much to the audience and that I needed to take things more seriously.   So that seed of insecurity was planted.  When I let loose I feel like I will disappoint people.  Friday I got so much positive feedback, but still on the way home I was beating myself up.  Ugh.  I hate this feeling.  I hate feeling censored all the time.   But sometimes, I think it is too far to turn back and find that girl that wore tutus to Wal-Mart and couldn't have cared less.

This is my personal struggle that I am trying hard to overcome.  If anyone out there feels the same thing and is having the same inner fight I would love to hear what you are doing to conquer it.  I am entering a time of spiritual growth and plan to not compromise that very much.  She has had too much pruning as it is.   

Elodie's Big Day!

We had a great day yesterday.  Camden made us all breakfast and bought flowers for me.  Then once we all got up and around we went to the park to play.  Elodie got to swing in the big kid swing and play on the playground.  After a nap we had CAKE, yellow cake with chocolate icing.  Elodie ate the whole piece and we were so scared she was going to get sick like Joaquin did with the sugar cookie.  Monro made a lovely card and painting for my Mother's Day present.  Joaquin told me "I luh loo," and Elodie turned one for me!  It was such a beautiful day and here are the pictures <---Click it is a link!

The Elodie Sessions

Here is our little miss getting ready for her first therapy session with Emily the physical therapist from DDI Advantage. Elodie has hypotonia, which means that she has low muscle tone in her trunk and legs.  Some other kids with this have it very severe throughout their whole body.  She is just floppy and her legs frog out to the side when she is on her tummy or when she is on her back.  

She is going to get therapy to strengthen her lower body.  I am really excited to get this going.  Emily was very nice.  She seems like she has endless patience.  It will be fun working with her.  Elodie took to her quite well which is good.  Elodie is pretty mellow when she meets new people, but she doesn't like it when you have to mess with her.  Elodie doesn't like to get her clothes changed, lotion on, or shifted in different positions.  I think that is from being in the NICU.  The nurses were constantly fussing with her when she was in there.  I can totally understand.

We have set very realistic goals to work on in the next few months.  First, we are going to work on her sitting without bracing herself with her hands for at least twenty minutes.  Next we are going to get her to stand assisted by holding on to the couch or holding on to our hands for at least two or three minutes.  Emily gave us some exercises to help strengthen her.  Elodie will be have sessions twice a month for now, but it may increase or decrease as she goes along.  

Also DDI gave us a lot of information on classes and groups they provide for parents.  I am really excited about this because no one I hang out with has kids.  No one!  I feel at times I am in the mommy bubble.  No one really gets my life and what it is like to have to take care of little people all day and all night.  I love it and it is the greatest job, but yeah- sometimes it is a bitch, like all jobs.  This job is forever and you don't get any breaks.  I don't even get to go to the bathroom by myself!  Now that Joaquin is training he is all about watching people pee. Ugh. Anyway.  I hope to meet new people.  It will be nice to know parents that get what it is like to have young ones, especially ones that need more assistance.  Woo-Hoo!  I am excited and will be posting a lot on Elodie's progress.  She has already been doing so well just from me working with her.  Now that she will be getting professional help, she will be walking before we know it! Wish her LUCK!