Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Ms. Couric chats it up with Palin...Kness says "GAH!"


Read the above transcript and then my blog it will make more sense...

I wonder what Ms. Couric thinks while doing these interviews, because her face, doesn't look so unbiased. Hehehe.

Well this is what I think. First off feminism is not a girl being able to do traditionally perceived boy things. Women have always taken on hunting, fishing, wood chopping and sports. Most of the women I know have been expected to do everything that the boys can do. Does Sarah Palin really think that is what feminism is? That is what it sounded like to me. What I define my feminism as is, I want to be equally accepted for being born a female. I want my thoughts, work and my experiences to be valued and respected by all I come in contact with in my life. If they are not, I don't want my sex to be a factor in the evaluation of those things. I also don't want to be exploited for being a female either. Females are different then males, (duh) and both sexes should be valued for their different strengths. I know my brain doesn't function the same as my husbands, but it doesn't make it bad. We handle a great many things differently, but I honor my husband for what he is and he does the same to me. Feminism for me comes down more to mutual respect, what is needed in all relationships to function properly.

She says it herself, Joe Biden has the experience. He was giving speeches and she was in the second grade. It is bad for Joe Biden to be 71, but okay for Mc Cain to be 72 running for office. What is this logic? Such blatant hypocrisy. Why is Mc Cain still harping on Obama's inexperience when he chose a running mate that has such marginal governmental experience? A heart beat away is far, far too close!

Next, ah...Sarah Palin can't name one newspaper or book she has read, or reads. What?!? Where does her information come from to create her "world view?"

She sure can tap dance around question she knows are controversial to answer, like the environmental issue. I don't think I have ever heard her say "yes" or "no," to any question. That is an easy statement to make when she has only done a handful of interviews. HA! She does the same thing with the morning after pill question.

One of the biggest issues to me is HOMOSEXUALITY IS NOT A CHOICE!!!!! You can't pray it away you can't decided one day to be gay and then not. It doesn't work that way. By her logic, that would mean that she chose to be heterosexual and we are all neutral until some one shows some interest or until we get burned by the opposite sex one to many times and have to switch teams. GAH! This gets me so angry. It shocks me that people believe some one would choose to be gay, and choose to have that kind of discrimination and hate directed toward them from homophobes and bigots. I guess it is people like me that add to the confusion. I am an openly bisexual female. I have always been sexually attracted to both males and females, but I didn't choose to be that way. That is the way my brain works. I married Camden because I am in love with him, but could have easily felt that same strength of love for a female. But really the "gay choice" issue comes down to misinformation and not really knowing a homosexual person. If Sarah Palin were "absolute best friends" with this gay women for 30 years she would probably know better, and since she is in a place of power, shouldn't she want to help the quality of life for her "best friend?" I know I would. She says she isn't going to judge a persons' life, but her not siding with equal rights legislations for gay marriage, adoption, insurance, etc. are judgements. Judgements that state the gay person made a bad choice and should be forever punished by not having the same rights that all heterosexuals have. Ridiculous. Imagine if your child were gay, would you think that your child should be denied a loving marriage, or a child, just because of their sexuality? Anyone out there who could possibly think that being gay is a choice, I ask you to be brave and ask a gay person. Everyone has one in their family, so look them up give them a call and ask.

I hope that people that read this will get their news from reputable sources, Fox News doesn't count, it is ran by Bush's family. Please look up all facts stated in emails and youtube videos you get in your inbox, be it pro-Obama, or pro-Mc Cain. The hate and propaganda politics need to end! Inform yourself to be a responsible voter. Watch and donate to PBS and NPR. I am as liberal as they come (obviously) and I hope for the sake of our country Obama is our next president. Maybe if not only for the sake of the country, but to keep Palin out of the oval office.

Shriner's Meet and Greet..

Yesterday Elodie had her first visit at Shriner's Hospital. Walking into that place was almost magical. It is a beautiful small hospital. It is so clean! The cleanest hospital I have ever been in, all the toys and books looked brand new. I think people are really grateful to be in there, so they take way better care of it than a regular hospital. While we were getting registered, Elodie checked out a dog counting book, with all sorts of puppies in it, she loved that.

We met with Dr. Woiczik, (Y-check). She was very nice and petted Elodie's head. Elodie is getting more and more wary of doctors. That is something I don't know how to fix with her being so small. Now when she lays on the examination table and hears the crinkly paper she gets nervous. Dr. Woiczik did an evaluation of her skills and will be following her progress. She ordered physical therapy for her, and Elodie can go as much as we would like her to go. Elodie was also fitted for some AFOs (ankle foot orthotics). They are braces she will wear when she is getting around that will help her ankles and feet stay in the right position, just like her Happy Straps work for her hips. The hope is that she will get more strength in her feet and ankles if she can learn to stand on them in the good place. She can't stand without help yet. We got to pick out the color and pattern for the velcro and foam. Elodie choose black with little purple, pink, and teal flowers and purple velcro. The ortho tech casted her feet and legs to get an exact fit. She was so good during that process, it took a long time. She will get the braces in a few weeks when they are made. Ahhh....Her first couture item, specially made for my little miss. I told her once she learns to walk I will buy her tons of shoes to wear. One for every outfit if she wants, she deserves it for working so hard against the lump's damage. We are going back on Wednesday for her first physical therapy appointment. We checked out the physical therapy department while we were there, it is super cool! There are so many things to play on and with, she is going to have a blast. (fingers crossed) On Wednesday we will get her on a set schedule for her therapy.

The really cool thing about this hospital is that they will keep tabs on Elodie until she is eighteen, if she needs it. She is in the inner circle. She can get physical therapy, orthopedic braces, x-rays, and medical care all for free. We are so priveledged to be a part of it. The only thing is that this hospital operates on donations. I worry that things that could help my girl could be cut due to the state of the economy. I guess there are big strokey beard meetings going on about that very thing. If you can please donate to Shriner's and other worthy charitable causes. They are tax deductible after all and every little bit helps. If you can't send money, they are happy to take books, toys and time. It really is a lovely place for children. It is so welcoming and pleasant. I am so thankful to have Elodie there. Yeah Shriner's!!!

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Volunteer Cuddle Program

My spongy heart has been full and heavy with the recent experiences some of my friends have had and the current state of the economy and election. I have been syrupy soppy with all sorts of emotions. In acting class you are taught to keep a "sensory journal." You are to write down things you hear, see, or experience and exactly how you it makes you feel. You are to take it all in, write it out, as to purge and learn how to respond. I have been taking this all in forever, but have not got it out, hence the syrupy soppiness.

I have very lucid dreams quite frequently when I ignore my emotions and stuff them down. I believe it is my higher self telling me what I should do in a sneaky way. Last night I dreamed a very telling dream, of what I think I need in my life, of what we all need. I was a part of an organized Volunteer Cuddle Program in my dream. What it consisted of was people who needed to just feel human touch and the need to be loved could come together and just hold one another. You could talk and spill your guts, but the other person didn't need to solve you issues, just to listen and love you. In my dream I was holding my friend Lance. He is a person I don't know well, he is in the local music scene, but we don't hang out or whatever. He was sad about his business and his dog. (I don't even know if he has a dog, that is how well I know him) It seemed so real, and the feeling of listening and giving love to a person I don't know very well was so enlightening. It was so good to just look at him in the eye and say, "It is okay, you are cared for you are loved by your friends and family, no one will let you be harmed." I deeply meant every word and he was grateful. I wish that this could be so in real life, without the messy innuendo it would eventually cause. Gah, people, I think at times we all think too much about things and I wish we could just express our emotions without fear of rejection.

(Imagining you, the reader, holding me tight, listening close and making me feel loved)
In this time it feels as if nothing is permanent. People are loosing their jobs, homes, relationships, and more. The simple basics of human need are spilling through peoples' fingers and my heart is heavy. I feel that no one is safe from these times. It is down right frightening. It all seems that people are completely rearranging their lives by force and not choice, me included.

I have been looking for a job. I don't want a job, I have the best job in the world. I am so scared to break it from my focus. Once you go back to work after having kids it seems that that is it, no more staying home with the kids. The money is too important to give up. I am not ready to go to work, to change my life. I am not comfortable putting my kids in day care. Monro had day care when he was four, but at that point it was a good thing for him. He was getting ready for school and the world. But the little ones are still just babies and need their momma. They aren't even totally potty trained yet. The thought of some one else guiding my kids full time, makes me sick, even if it were someone I truly loved and trusted. It literally makes my stomach turn. I want to take some of the financial burden off Camden so he doesn't have to work every single day, but how do I do that and stay home with my kids? That was always my dream, to be a stay at home mom. I never really had a definite career in mind as a younger person. I didn't have a competitive drive to have a big important job. I just wanted to get paid in kisses and hugs. I think that is because I never had that sort of guidance when I was a kid. I feel if I have a job I am letting them down. If I don't I am letting my husband down, and then the wolves would scratch louder at the door. It is tough times for all and the world needs rearranging.
(Imagining you, the reader, your heart beat in my ear, the same as mine, because we are the same)

I am so glad that we have an election coming up soon. I really do think that America in on the precipice of change. Sometimes I feel so little would make it better for all of us. We just need more understanding and help from one another. Know that in through your difficult times I am here. I will hold you, be it virtual or real, just to make it better. I am a fantastic listener, tell me your story. (vac@kitefishingstudio.com) I know this post is a bit all over the place, but so am I. I am having a hard time focusing on stuff, because stuff just keeps changing. Thank you for letting me take it all in and write it out, I needed that.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Post Op what not....

Don't those words above sound great together? Anywhoooo..... My girl had her post op visit with Dr. Rollins today. It was pretty uneventful. She had to have a chest x-ray to make sure that she healed up fine on the inside. She did. But she freaked out when I put her on the x-ray table. The girl lost it. I know she remembered the last time we were there. She had a chest tube and it hurt so much for her to be picked up and moved around. She is smart, nothing gets by her. She was completely panic stricken! Elodie screamed! That is totally weird because she never, never freaks out like that, especially in public.

Trauma aside, she is fine. Joaquin and Monro came with us. Joaquin was very interested in seeing the bones of his little sister. Her head was kind of down in the frame, so you could see all of her gnarly teeth under her gums. Joaquin loved that, he kept pointing at it and then his teeth and biting the air with excitement. He got a sucker and some stickers for being super cute. He had charmed the office staff in the short time we were there. He was wearing an old pair of sunglasses, and then tucked them in his shirt. The girls in the office were calling him "the movie star." He said bye to each one of them and gave them each a high five and knuckles (or terrorist fist jab, as it has been called on Fox News), and we were out. Ta-Da! So in a few months Elodie will have another CT scan to make sure that the lump is shrinking and that is that. She had two sessions of PT these past few weeks and she has been doing great. Her legs are really engaging.

I am off to make lasagna for a debate watching party over at Ryan's. I can't wait, it is going to be an awesome freak show! Better then Project Runway! Vote for Obama people, he is our only hope!

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

New Baby!!!

No, no, no, not me! My friend Brynn had her little boy on Saturday. I am so happy for her. It seems like an eternity when you are preggers and then bam all over, and you have this little person attached to your heart for the rest of your life. It is an amazing feeling, scary mostly but full of love and tears. Birth stories are so interesting, if you don't know yours you should ask yo mama.

Monro... March 6th 10lbs 12oz 23.5 inches
I was so stupid when I was pregnant with Monro. I was only 19 when I got pregnant and 20 when I had him. I didn't have a whole lot of support around to tell me how to take care of myself. The midwives were not concerned with how huge I was getting until it was too late and I was 187lbs and almost ready to deliver. I got preeclampsia, which is high blood pressure and headaches a whole host of other uncomfortable things, so I had to be on bed rest for the remaining two months of my pregnancy. It wasn't all day, just five hours out of the day. I had to lay on my left side to get my pressure down and I had to check it all the time. Gah. I was so huge. I only had three shirts that fit me and two pairs of pants. I had to wash them out by hand, because we didn't have a washing machine.

On the fourth of March my water broke while at Liberty Park. We went over to my ex's parents house and called the midwives. We went up to the hospital and confirmed it. It wasn't like in the movies when everything just bursts, it was a slow leak, ugh, I know. The nurses wanted me to stay at the hospital, but I hadn't eaten anything since seven that morning and you can't eat once you are officially admitted. We left the hospital and went for burritos! In the middle of eating my contractions started. This is a very weird pain. It isn't in your stomach muscles, it is much deeper and wraps around all the way into your back and radiates into your legs. I experienced this pain for a good 33 hours then I gave in and had an epidural. Monro wasn't moving, with each contraction he would come up and then go back into the same spot. I was so stubborn and wanted to have a natural birth, but I was tired from all the contractions the staff thought I wouldn't have the strength to push once it came time. I never got to that time unfortunately.

Once I got the epidural my vitals started to tank and I was going in and out of consciousness. My kidneys were shutting down and my legs were filling up with fluid, the skin stretched and split so fast. I stopped breathing and was rushed in to surgery to have a c-section. Within minutes Monro was out and I was breathing on my own. He was able to see me right away. I remember the first thing I said was, "He is here, I can't believe he is here!" It took a long ass time to get him there and I was so out of it during his delivery, all that time seemed to melt away. He was so cute and HUGE that is why he wasn't moving into the birth canal. He had dark hair, blue eyes and looked just like me! I became a grown up at that moment and realized this was the best job I would ever have, being a mom.

Joaquin... March 14th 7lbs 14.5oz 20 inches
Joaquin was a much better pregnancy compared to Monro. The only thing with him was the first three months, I was so sick. I barfed all the time. I had to quit my job at Akasha and work from home. I was terrified that I would loose it in a session with a client. But after those first few months were over I felt pretty good. Except at about seven months I developed a heart murmur, but that is pretty common and went away after I delivered. With Joaquin I knew how to be pregnant. I ate right, I did pregger lady yoga and played my monster music everyday. He loved Cat Stevens and The Beatles of course. I loved sharing my pregnancy with Monro, he was so proud and excited. Everyone, literally everyone he talked to he told them I was pregnant. It was funny. He drew on my belly, he talked to his brother and told him all about his kindergarten adventures. It was cute.

Since I had such a scary delivery with Monro I wanted to just schedule a c-section. I know it isn't popular and whatever, but when you almost die the first time you have a baby, it makes you sort of gun shy. He came so much easier. I had to be put out cold because I my spinal shunt. The only bad thing with Joaquin was there was some mix up with who was going to be our nurse and it took forever to see my little guy, like two hours! My first words when I woke up was, "He is blond?" I thought that since I picked the name Joaquin, he would be a dark little Mexican baby, but no. Blond and blue eyed, and he looked just like his daddy. Monro came a few hours later to meet his little brother. He was so excited and nice. He brought me a cow, we named Gracie. It was such a better time frankly. I was so in love with Camden and proud of him for taking care of all of us. He was and is an excellent parenting partner.

Our first meeting...

And this makes you a Daddy...

Elodie Love... May 11th 7lbs 12oz 20 inches
My best pregnancy considering. She was so good. I only got sick once, but the stress in my life at the time was a bit ridiculous. I have wondered if that stress contributed to her tumor. I think maybe that is just my guilty mother's heart. When I was about 16 weeks along I began to bleed a little. I went into the doctor and she said that she thought it was due to stress and I needed to take it easy. My grandmother was dying, my mother was constantly calling me for help, Joaquin was still a little baby, Cam had some bad business deals that would go away, and we were trying to get my custody of Monro. It was a horrible time, but through out all of that I had to have a lot of ultrasounds and got to keep close tabs on my baby. At 16 weeks we found out she was a girl and it was amazing! I never thought I would have a girl. I am a good boy mom and didn't have a great example of mother daughter bond. I didn't think I could do it. So I got a book and realized a lot about myself and what went wrong with my relationship with my mother. It has helped me be such a better mom, all that self examination.

So my girl was the same with Joaquin, scheduled c-section. This time didn't go as smoothly as it should have. She got too much of my anesthesia. She needed oxygen, she was breathing shallowly. Cam came in to tell me when I was waking, "She is being naughty and not breathing." I was terrified. I knew that she was going to be my last baby and that couldn't live with out her. I told Cam to not worry about me to stay right by her side and tell her to be good and breathe. He was so worried about whether or not I would be okay. I wrapped my hands together tight and placed them under my chin and prayed to Elodie. "You have to breathe little one, you have to try really hard and you have to be here for me." She stabilized and was sent to the NICU. I met her there later that night when I could walk. She was laying on a red heart blanket and looked like a little Valentine. I just kept kissing her and saying, "I got my girl!" I was so proud and have been ever since. I am so lucky to have these little kids to hang out with all the time. They are my best friends!

Little Valentine!

Best friends

Monday, September 8, 2008

Tumor Treatment...I forgot to mention.

Well, since the tumor is regressing our doctors think that there is no other need for surgery. It has receded from her spinal cord, but it has left a sort of dent in it. It looks like a spinal cord injury on her CT scan. So what they think is the best sort of treatment for her is to get more physical therapy in order to get strength so she can walk. How she improves will really be up to her.

She is works really hard during therapy and when we practice, I am not worried about her at all. She does have feeling in her legs and movement she just needs to expand on that. Our developmental neurologist says that kids that have issues when they are little with hypotonia and such, usually catch up by the time they are three. Woo-hoo! Just in time for preschool! Now we are going to work on getting her a some great therapy that we can afford. We are applying to Shriner's Hospital to see if they can help. They are free, I hope they take her.

She is totally back to normal. You would never guess she had surgery last week. She is outside right now playing with her grandparents and her brother. Just like a normal, healthy, happy baby girl face! We are so blessed. Can't say it enough, I love my kids!

Saturday, September 6, 2008

A Great Event in Evolution

I have never had so many different emotions crammed into my heart all at once like I did at the hospital. It was such a growing experience that I am truly thankful for it. So to borrow a phrase from my Myspace friend Jennifer (Eolin), here is how it all went down....

I went in to the babies' room to get them up and Joaquin had peed the bed. Nice. I grabbed Elodie put her by the toys and gave him a quick bath. I heard miss fussing but I just thought it was because she was hungry. Nope, she had a major poo diaper blow out and was mad, because she went in her diaper. (she usually goes on the potty like a big girl) She had to have a bath too. Ugh. I don't know how they know but they always do this sort of thing when I am in a hurry. Camden came home after I got her out of the tub and he saved me, he got Joaquin breakfast so we could head out the door.

Usual stuff happened when we were checking in to the surgery department of Primary Children's. Waiting in a bunch of different room, saying the same story to a bunch of different people. It seemed to take forever. Elodie got some versed again, which is a very funny drug. She was so happy and giggly, all of the other kids and their families became her very best friends. She is a happy drunk.

Finally, I handed her off to the anesthesiologist, he was sweet, but had coffee breath (pet peeve) and my girl waved bye-bye. I felt so tense inside. I knew what was going to happen and knew that the doctors were extremely good and capable of everything they had to do, but I was so scared.

The biopsy was only supposed to take 2 hours, so when two hours came and went I started to feel sick. They have signs in the waiting area that say, "If you haven't heard about your child after an hour from the time stated, please speak with the clerk." By the time some one came to speak with us it was 4 hours. I was on pins and needles. What happened was the surgeon Dr. Rollins, took four different samples from the tumor, because the immediate pathology kept coming back as scar tissue with calcifications. The fast pathology test take 25 minutes to process. I just wonder what was going on in there while they were waiting for it to come back. Do they go online, do they read, do they dance what is going on while my baby is just there on the table waiting? When Dr. Rollins finally came to talk to us in the conference room, I instantly felt relieved. I didn't know the immediate results, but some how I knew she was going to be just fine. I danced when he left and Camden seemed to breathe for the first time. After our conference I went to see her in recovery. She looked so tiny in that crib. Every recovery bed was full, that was scary. I sat there and stroked my babies hair and began to feel so grateful for everything I have. I wanted to hug the family next to us, I don't know what surgery their baby had, but it was sad, she was coughing up something gross, and was so pale. I closed my eyes hard and thanked Elodie for her strength. We went up to her room after a half hour of recovery. Elodie was still sleepy, but she would open her eyes and look around for me. It was sweet.

That night was rough. The nurses had to come into come in every hour for vitals, Elodie was on a morphine drip so they had to keep a close eye. I was on a fold out recliner chair thing, for what it was it was pretty comfortable. But I didn't sleep. I felt that Thursday morning that I had hit the wall. I was so tired emotionally, I was tapping all the strength I had to continue to be a happy face for Elodie. I kept texting Camden, (he was home with Joaquin) how I was so lonely and felt I was on the edge of breaking down completely. He was trying his best to be encouraging, but it was really hard for me to be away from home and to have our daughter in this medical limbo.

The morning was pretty good for Elodie. She was sitting up, chatting and playing. She was eating her breakfast just like she always does, but this morning she had a chest tube. We played most of the day and she napped. She was so sweet to all the staff. I went home later that day and showered. It felt so good. I broke down in the shower and just cried. Cried that kind of cry where you know that afterward you are going to be a different person. A person with experience and a new beginning. I welcome cries like that, they opens me up so far that it feels as if I am turned inside out. Nothing can harm you when your heart is all the way open and willing to learn. I am learning and Elodie is my teacher. Camden's parents came into town on Thursday. We were and are so grateful for that. The kids just love them and they are a huge help to us. We wish they lived closer and could see the kids all the time.

All the doctors came in to visit Elodie and give us the good news. The tumor is benign and is regressing. It is a weird type of tumor, leave it to us to have another freak disorder, but it is leaving her. It has caused some damage to her spinal cord, but with physical therapy we have hope that that can be rehabilitated. How well she walks will be up to her, so if you have ever met my girl, you know that she will be just fine. It may take awhile for her to catch up physically, but that is okay, she can take all the time she needs. She is so strong, she didn't even flinch when her chest tube was taking out. Amazing.

We are home of course and happily hung out with our family. Saturday was so great. We went to Camden's aunt's house in Heber for a BBQ. It was so nice to just chat with them and play. Camden's dad and uncle gave Elodie a blessing which was so sweet. It meant a lot to Cam's dad. We aren't religious people of course, but it is important to teach my children tolerance and acceptance of all people. That begins at home and accepting one's family first. I would never refuse love and positive energy being concentrated onto my children.

I am so grateful for all of you out there that sent Elodie your love and positivity. I will put up all the photos I took, but right now my computer and camera aren't cooperating. Maybe it will later today. My hubby is leaving on a business trip in Vegas, so I can't tell you how pleased I am that Elodie got to come home before he left. Phew. I have been so happy and in love with the world ever since the doctors said the word, BENIGN! Benign was like my morning breaking, like the first morning fresh from the word! Everyday is a glorious day and I hope to keep this feeling on for a long time to come. Thank you for your support and your love, it really helped me through. Family and friends that is what it all comes down to, that is all we truly have in this life. I love you, know you are loved.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Night before Surgery...

So tomorrow my baby Elodie is going to Primary Children's to get her biopsy and bone marrow test. The technical term for the biopsy is, left thoracoscopic biopsy posterior mediastinal mass. Nice eh? Who knew they could fit such big words on my tiny baby girl.

Elodie is doing just fine as always. She is sitting in her high chair right now eating a hardy meal of beef broccoli and sweet and sour chicken. She isn't going to be able to eat for a while so I thought she should have something nice and flavorful. My kids are so funny, they hate kid food. Monro has just barely come around to peanut butter and jelly. The babies are allergic to peanuts, so none for them. Joaquin despises mac and cheese and grill cheese sandwiches. What kid doesn't like cheese? Elodie is my best eater, but she prefers savory foods with lots of flavor. Meal times can be stressful, 'cause sometimes I just want kid food-simple food! Anyway, I digress.

My girl will be in surgery for a little while and then we get to have a slumber party in the hospital. We should be home on Thursday. Whoo-hoo! I am sure she will bring home another little stuffed friend. Today she had her blood drawn and she got a black puppy named Muffin. She is so cute, she looks a little like our myspace friend Wilbur, but she is more of a dark chocolate. I will do a photo shoot soon of all her stuffy friends. She is spoiled at the hospital, I tell ya!

I am excited to get this part over with and get on to the treatment phase. We will know exactly what we are dealing with after the week. Phew. It will all be settled soon, I am sure. I can't tell you all enough how strong my girl is, I really can't. You just have to meet her. She has these eyes that are so compassionate and sweet. She hugs and kisses with great love and sings her heart out with enormous passion. She is my idol. I tell her this everyday and I hope she someday she really understands it. I love everything there is about Elodie, even her lump. HA!

I have been talking to her lump. I have been saying that I totally understand why it would want to snuggle into my baby, she is made of sugar, but it is time to hit the road. I put out a warning, so I hope it has listened and doesn't try to hang out or leave any buddies behind. Elodie is done with this lump.

I will blog about the whole thing when we get home. Wish us well and we will be, we always are because we are lucky enough to have each other.