Sunday, September 28, 2008

Volunteer Cuddle Program

My spongy heart has been full and heavy with the recent experiences some of my friends have had and the current state of the economy and election. I have been syrupy soppy with all sorts of emotions. In acting class you are taught to keep a "sensory journal." You are to write down things you hear, see, or experience and exactly how you it makes you feel. You are to take it all in, write it out, as to purge and learn how to respond. I have been taking this all in forever, but have not got it out, hence the syrupy soppiness.

I have very lucid dreams quite frequently when I ignore my emotions and stuff them down. I believe it is my higher self telling me what I should do in a sneaky way. Last night I dreamed a very telling dream, of what I think I need in my life, of what we all need. I was a part of an organized Volunteer Cuddle Program in my dream. What it consisted of was people who needed to just feel human touch and the need to be loved could come together and just hold one another. You could talk and spill your guts, but the other person didn't need to solve you issues, just to listen and love you. In my dream I was holding my friend Lance. He is a person I don't know well, he is in the local music scene, but we don't hang out or whatever. He was sad about his business and his dog. (I don't even know if he has a dog, that is how well I know him) It seemed so real, and the feeling of listening and giving love to a person I don't know very well was so enlightening. It was so good to just look at him in the eye and say, "It is okay, you are cared for you are loved by your friends and family, no one will let you be harmed." I deeply meant every word and he was grateful. I wish that this could be so in real life, without the messy innuendo it would eventually cause. Gah, people, I think at times we all think too much about things and I wish we could just express our emotions without fear of rejection.

(Imagining you, the reader, holding me tight, listening close and making me feel loved)
In this time it feels as if nothing is permanent. People are loosing their jobs, homes, relationships, and more. The simple basics of human need are spilling through peoples' fingers and my heart is heavy. I feel that no one is safe from these times. It is down right frightening. It all seems that people are completely rearranging their lives by force and not choice, me included.

I have been looking for a job. I don't want a job, I have the best job in the world. I am so scared to break it from my focus. Once you go back to work after having kids it seems that that is it, no more staying home with the kids. The money is too important to give up. I am not ready to go to work, to change my life. I am not comfortable putting my kids in day care. Monro had day care when he was four, but at that point it was a good thing for him. He was getting ready for school and the world. But the little ones are still just babies and need their momma. They aren't even totally potty trained yet. The thought of some one else guiding my kids full time, makes me sick, even if it were someone I truly loved and trusted. It literally makes my stomach turn. I want to take some of the financial burden off Camden so he doesn't have to work every single day, but how do I do that and stay home with my kids? That was always my dream, to be a stay at home mom. I never really had a definite career in mind as a younger person. I didn't have a competitive drive to have a big important job. I just wanted to get paid in kisses and hugs. I think that is because I never had that sort of guidance when I was a kid. I feel if I have a job I am letting them down. If I don't I am letting my husband down, and then the wolves would scratch louder at the door. It is tough times for all and the world needs rearranging.
(Imagining you, the reader, your heart beat in my ear, the same as mine, because we are the same)

I am so glad that we have an election coming up soon. I really do think that America in on the precipice of change. Sometimes I feel so little would make it better for all of us. We just need more understanding and help from one another. Know that in through your difficult times I am here. I will hold you, be it virtual or real, just to make it better. I am a fantastic listener, tell me your story. ( I know this post is a bit all over the place, but so am I. I am having a hard time focusing on stuff, because stuff just keeps changing. Thank you for letting me take it all in and write it out, I needed that.