Attack of the Lady Bits!!!

This just seems like the most frustrating thing.  Why do women's sexual organs start to attack their host?  I have been having this pain on my right side for about two weeks and it has finally become unbearable.  I went to the see the nurse practitioner this morning.  My regular doctor is on maternity leave.  The nurse practitioner is named Paulette and was a total glamazon, I loved her, styling from head to toe.  You could take bad news from a girl like her, you'd be so distracted by her cute capris and boots to care.  I didn't get any bad news really, but I did have to go in for an ultrasound.

So I went back to the hospital for an ultrasound later this afternoon.  This all turned out sucky for me.  First thing, I had to have a full bladder.  My lady friends know how bad this, they push and glide the wand over your full bladder and it takes every ounce of strength not to pee everywhere.  Second thing, my bladder wasn't full enough, so the tech had to use the other wand, the internal wand yuk!  The technician was so upset and exasperated by this, frankly so was I.  How do you know how full your bladder is?  If you have too pee, then it should seem good enough, right?  It never is, it's never simple.  Third thing, the technician was rude.  She was kind of annoyed about my abdominal plasty scar.  Saying that the reason I was having this pain was because of scar tissue that could be forming around the scar.  Yeah, that could happen, but I know that is not what is happening!  I had my surgery months ago and have been healed for months.  This pain just started two weeks ago.  It was as if she was judging me because of getting plastic surgery.  I wanted to yell at her, "Look you aren't a doctor, you have no idea when I had my surgery, and you have no idea what I am feeling!  So keep your uneducated diagnosis to yourself."  I didn't of course because I am a wimp, but I did say, "I would prefer to hear what the doctor has to say, thanks."  People need to perform their work correctly and speak within the scope of their license.  An ultrasound technician license does not make you a junior radiologist!  It just doesn't!

So yeah that was my crap day.  I think my ovary is attacking me and I got attitude from the ultasound technician.  Uh!  I won't know what is up with me until tomorrow.  But I don't think it is anything serious.  Probably just a cyst, I have had them before.  I don't know why women have to deal with this stuff all the time.  Cramps, blood, moods, cysts, babies, water weight enough all ready!  Just be chill lady bits, please!    

Once Upon a Time...

Me @ 17-------------------------------------------->
I watched a great movie the other night.  "Into the Wild,"  it is a book, and I can't wait to read it.  I usually read the books first and then have lots to complain about when I see the movie.  It reminded me of a person I used to be ten years ago.  Before babies, jobs, school, divorce, pain and love.  I was an immensely confident person, cocky at times, but with that came fearlessness.  I was so not shy.  I would laugh loud and sing out whatever song was stuck in my head.  I would wear ballet costumes to the grocery store and see how many flowers I could fit in my hair.  I would hardly wear make-up and had no concerns if I looked gorgeous with or without it.  I had no fear of dirt or natural water and didn't mind if I got a stain on my shirt.  I made or altered all my clothes, and in my junior year rarely wore the same thing twice.  I was a bohemia girl, a classy type of hippy.  I loved people truly and deeply without the fear of getting a big fat fuck you when I needed some love or help.  I danced, I sang, I acted, I screamed, I called people to hang out, I looked for ways to push myself and push I did.  Maybe too far, to the point I guess where I craved a closed mouth.

I was big in spirit and then something happened.  I became domesticated.  I have been trained so to speak, to not speak.  I have given in to what is liked and not liked.  I have lived for awhile, to some extent, to please and not to be pleased.  I feel as if I have to watch my words, watch myself and not be that big spirit that is hiding.  I love my life.  I know right now it doesn't sound pleasant, but it really is!  I have loved being there for my hubby and kids and don't plan on changing that whatsoever.  I just feel I have given in a lot to my husband and kids like a lot of women do.  I am not very fussy and giving is in my nature.  I would much rather make people happy then get my way.

But being this way I have recently noticed it has caused a great deal of self doubt and insecurity that I never had before.  I question myself all the time and feel like a dork for being expressive. I really used to fight against this as a kid, but forgot how.  Just as an example, the other night we played a show and I went crazy.  I dance, sang, shouted, acted, pretended, became the girl I once was....but afterward I felt so LAME!  I felt that I was far too over the top, because when I see bands I just see boys stand and play.  They are rarely shaking it at all, and never show their underwear, yeah, I kinda showed my underwear.  Our last drummer kinda pick on my about talking too much to the audience and that I needed to take things more seriously.   So that seed of insecurity was planted.  When I let loose I feel like I will disappoint people.  Friday I got so much positive feedback, but still on the way home I was beating myself up.  Ugh.  I hate this feeling.  I hate feeling censored all the time.   But sometimes, I think it is too far to turn back and find that girl that wore tutus to Wal-Mart and couldn't have cared less.

This is my personal struggle that I am trying hard to overcome.  If anyone out there feels the same thing and is having the same inner fight I would love to hear what you are doing to conquer it.  I am entering a time of spiritual growth and plan to not compromise that very much.  She has had too much pruning as it is.   

Elodie's Big Day!

We had a great day yesterday.  Camden made us all breakfast and bought flowers for me.  Then once we all got up and around we went to the park to play.  Elodie got to swing in the big kid swing and play on the playground.  After a nap we had CAKE, yellow cake with chocolate icing.  Elodie ate the whole piece and we were so scared she was going to get sick like Joaquin did with the sugar cookie.  Monro made a lovely card and painting for my Mother's Day present.  Joaquin told me "I luh loo," and Elodie turned one for me!  It was such a beautiful day and here are the pictures <---Click it is a link!

The Elodie Sessions

Here is our little miss getting ready for her first therapy session with Emily the physical therapist from DDI Advantage. Elodie has hypotonia, which means that she has low muscle tone in her trunk and legs.  Some other kids with this have it very severe throughout their whole body.  She is just floppy and her legs frog out to the side when she is on her tummy or when she is on her back.  

She is going to get therapy to strengthen her lower body.  I am really excited to get this going.  Emily was very nice.  She seems like she has endless patience.  It will be fun working with her.  Elodie took to her quite well which is good.  Elodie is pretty mellow when she meets new people, but she doesn't like it when you have to mess with her.  Elodie doesn't like to get her clothes changed, lotion on, or shifted in different positions.  I think that is from being in the NICU.  The nurses were constantly fussing with her when she was in there.  I can totally understand.

We have set very realistic goals to work on in the next few months.  First, we are going to work on her sitting without bracing herself with her hands for at least twenty minutes.  Next we are going to get her to stand assisted by holding on to the couch or holding on to our hands for at least two or three minutes.  Emily gave us some exercises to help strengthen her.  Elodie will be have sessions twice a month for now, but it may increase or decrease as she goes along.  

Also DDI gave us a lot of information on classes and groups they provide for parents.  I am really excited about this because no one I hang out with has kids.  No one!  I feel at times I am in the mommy bubble.  No one really gets my life and what it is like to have to take care of little people all day and all night.  I love it and it is the greatest job, but yeah- sometimes it is a bitch, like all jobs.  This job is forever and you don't get any breaks.  I don't even get to go to the bathroom by myself!  Now that Joaquin is training he is all about watching people pee. Ugh. Anyway.  I hope to meet new people.  It will be nice to know parents that get what it is like to have young ones, especially ones that need more assistance.  Woo-Hoo!  I am excited and will be posting a lot on Elodie's progress.  She has already been doing so well just from me working with her.  Now that she will be getting professional help, she will be walking before we know it! Wish her LUCK!

Chicks dig scars.

You can kind of see in this way close picture of Joaquin that we took his stitches out.  I was going to take him to the ER to do it.  But I just waited for Camden to get home and we took them out in the kitchen.  I used to pull out NG tubes and heart caths so this was no biggy.  Joaquin was so good and held pretty still. The cut has healed nicely.  I don't think there will be much of a scar.  We have to be good about putting sunblock on it and I do that anyway.  I am a bit agro about the block.  If you don't want to look crazy old then use it!  Everyday no matter what! Even on cold crap days like this one.  Are we ever going to get more than two days of sun again?  Seriously.  I am freezing.

Lack of iron makes me RANT!!!

I have decided to wake up early before the kids in order to get things done and work on projects and whatever.  This is the first morning I have done it, so I have no idea what to do with myself.  I am bloggin.'  I have been scary low in the energy department and anemia has seeped out the remaining stores I had.  Bah.  I am getting better with the help of Camden and my supplements.

I saw this morning on the news that some of the mothers of the children caught up in the FLDS fiasco claim that the Texas government have lost two of their children.  WHAT?!?  What the hell is the Texas attorney general doing? What is the plan with these families?

The FLDS people have been living in Texas for decades.  Obviously, everyone sort of knew what was going on there, the men  have multiple partners and millions of children.  They have been left pretty much alone until this hoax call was made by a woman in Denver.  The Texas government busted in and separated hundreds of kids from their moms, seemingly with no plan whatsoever. Except for DNA tests for some reason, I guess the kids aren't telling who their parents are if they even know who their parents are that is, and now some of the kids might be lost!

I don't agree with any of the FLDS philosophies.  What I know anyway, I think is weird.  I think that if old men are getting teens pregnant then the MEN should be thrown in prison.  Duh. That is the law after all.  But why are the women and children being punished for the men's sex crimes? If it is true that the women are subdued  and the men are completely in charge in this society, why haven't they arrested any men?  Or why hasn't the Texas government separated the men from the women and the children?  Why are they doing this now when for years the FLDS sect has lived in Texas being freaky and weird?  Plenty of people have left the church with claims of under age sex and abuse, why have no other charges been placed until now?  Why is no one asking these questions of the Texas government?  I just don't get what is going on here.

This whole thing also reinforces the FLDS churches fears of the outside world.  Those who remain faithful after all this is somehow taken care of, are going to wrap their families into tighter little bundles and create more fear of all who are outside their church.  The Texas government seems to be taking the gestapo approach.  I feel so horrible for these mothers and kids, who probably don't even know if any crime has been committed or what the hell is going on!  If I am confused imagine how they feel.  

As my babies sleep in the next room, imagining them being taken from me creates a deep sinking nauseating feeling all through out my body.  How those children got into this world may have been a crime or even unconventional, but they are here now and they need their mommas to take care of them.  Why can't the moms be with the babies?  If they think that the mothers are brainwashed and will put the children in harm's way, then the government should psychologically evaluate the mothers.  They do that in all custody cases.  But that will not happen, the moms won't talk out of fear.  They have every reason now to be afraid, if the government can just take your kids with no real reason and hold them indefinitely who wouldn't be afraid?

I am going to figure out how to get an email to the Texas attorney general.  Moms if they are not hurting their babies, should be with their babies.  PERIOD.  I know we find their lives strange and their hair is freaky, but if the moms are not breaking the law we shouldn't judge them for their out there lifestyle and let them have their creepy ways and kids back.   

I wonder what the Mormon church and Mormons thinks of all this.  They keep getting lumped in with the FLDS people in the media.  As a citizen of Utah, I know that this is no longer so, but what do the leaders of the Mormon church have to say about all the lumping together?  I haven't heard if they have released a statement to the media.  If they have I would like to read it.  Those poor missionaries out there having to explain everything to people when they knock on doors.  Well, I guess they have had to do that anyway even before all this Texas stuff.  The whole plural marriage really sticks in people's heads.  I hope all the kids are okay, and hope they aren't too traumatized as well as the moms.  I think if my kids were about to be taken from me, I would have to be shot with several tranquilizer darts like a crazed polar bear.  Lack of iron and energy be damned, I would loose my mind!  Hold your kids tight and be grateful.  I know I will.

Num num num!

<----Joaquin on his first birthday!---:::

One of the great things about having a baby is feeding it.  Nursing is so lovely at times.  For me I loved it when we were all alone at night, by the light of the television, and the only sound was my baby's snorts as it was trying to breathe under my enormous breast.  Yeah, the mams got big, scary big! That is one reason why I packed it in and went to bottles.

Oh bottles... They spill, they stink, and now it seems they are poisoning babies and making them hyperactive.  What?!? Frightening how many everyday things are doing or not doing serious harm to our babies.  Meh.  It is an amazing feet that we survived.  I don't think I even wore a seat belt until I was 14, but I digress.

The point of this rambling blog is that we are almost finished with the bottle stage all together. Elodie is turning a year in two weeks and we will be finished with formula forever!!!  She really has weaned herself.  She is down to about 24 ounces a day of formula and getting most of her nutrients from real food.  She loves to eat.  She especially likes trying new things that she can feed herself. 

Today for her lunch Camden gave her cheese, pepperoni, and strawberries.  It was sensory overload. Sour, sweet, bitter, spicy she really was into it.  She was throwing back her head and saying, "Num, num,num!"  When my girl likes something, she dances.  She throws her arms up with happy fist, shakes her waist, and smiles big, free and easy.  It is the best thing ever and gets me moving as well.  She will even do it if I sing a swinging tune to her.

 

I can't wait to give her her birthday cake.  It is also my last first birthday cake.  Boo.  Monro when he had his, shoved in the cake with such gusto and licked his tray until he fell back with a look of pure cake euphoria.  Joaquin was a little more subdued.  He took a lot more coaxing.  I think that his reluctance stemmed from a cookie incident at Christmas.  He ate a huge sugar cookie and then barfed it up.  But eventually he dove right into his first cake and the love for sugar was born,(: see picture above :).

I will be so happy to see the bottles and their messiness go in two weeks!  But most of all I will be so very proud on her birthday.  Proud that I did my very best to feed, grow and love a perfect little girl.   That's my Elodie!  Now the question is... what kind of cake do we give her?  Hmmm. Chocolate I think, yes indeed!  Bollocks to carrot cake, that is what Camden and Monro always choose.  What do they know about birthday cake?