Calm Closing Sense of Complete...

The old rice filling up the pot was the most beautiful thing. Suspended in water, and hugged by each molecule. It was lovely as I tipped the pot and let it spill over into the sink. Swirling like a sea of stars, the rice was over taken by the gravity of the drain. I flipped the switch to let it be eaten by the sink machine. It sucked it in gladly and away the rice went. That thing eats more than my kids. What a waste of lovely rice, what a terrific sacrifice.

You know what I miss....? I miss driving home from my job. It was such a relief and good feeling. I would turn my music up really loudly and lean way back in my Mini Cooper seat. When I last had a job I was really into Pinback, which isn't particularly a band one plays loudly, but it sounded so good in that car. I listened to the mix CD I made over and over. Driving down the canyon was a blast in that car. I could go so fast so easily, not even afraid of slippery curves. I know Parleys like the bad of me hand. After the season ended in Park City, I worked downtown. That was also a fun drive home, all the people and the cars to look at, wondering where everyone was going and who they went home to. Any drive home was a good one....I felt accomplished and that I had really earned my living. I worked very hard at the spas. I made it a personal mission to "take care," of these strangers and let them know that they deserved to feel good and relax.

Now I am on the other side...needing to feel good and relax. My days are hard and long, but full of love. I get to take care of the people I enjoy most. There is just no drive home. No sense of completion or relief, because this job does not stop. Even when I am away, I am here. It makes no sense this mommy occupation. I love it, it frustrates me, I question myself constantly and get to the breaking point, then I get hugs and kisses and it melts away. The days are schizophrenic and controlled, the deep, the scars, the emotion that rises and falls- all swirling like a sea of stars. I am in it all for keeps.

In my imagination, as I move through my days, some one beautiful brushes my hair, wraps it in a towel to keep it clean as she washes my face, and takes care of this stranger. Some day I will become reacquainted with that relief, that calm closing sense of complete and it will be good for everyone. But as for now I have pots of old rice that are beautiful in their sacrifice, snotty noses to wipe, and applesauce to clean up. I notice everything and keep it close. For when I am away, I want to remember what I have to come home to....you. Crazy, dirty, crying, snuggly, you... and we are all better when Mom comes home.

Step back in the Evolution, Step forward for Mom Kind...

I just finished playing my show and I couldn't sleep or even calm down from what transpired there tonight. I had to write to get a sense of peace within me. Usually this wild energy is a good thing; more glasses are raised, hugs are given, happiness is abounding, but tonight was sorely not the case.

We rocked it! It was a great show. There were tons of people there, a lot of which I had been hoping to see for a long time. The crowd was into it and totally dancing and every thing. We finished and I get off stage to hug my Jennifer, and I hear that a girl was pointing out my stretch marks to people while I was tearing the roof off the dive. (I wore a black tank, with a sparkly silver cardigan over it, so while dancing my tank would creep up a bit to show my stretch marks like a half an inch at the most) "WHAT?!?" Was my first response and then, "Oh hell no..." came next.

I was possessed by such anger and disgust. There was no way in my mind I was going to let a person walk out of that bar thinking that they could totally down play everything I had just done on that stage, just because I carried and gave birth to three beautiful kids. I found the girl and promptly said, "Hey, heard you were pointing my stretch marks out to your friends while I was singing. Yeah, I have three {expletive} kids, and I have {expletive} stretch marks, and I {expletive} dare you, {expletive} dare you to do what I just did on the stage! So you better think about what you are saying the next time you want to comment on someone's body! {expletive} YOU! You {expletive, expletive} (The last word is one of my favorite swears of all time rarely used in the states, but it is probably considered the worst thing you can say to a girl ever! *blush* Censored version for my LDS mommy friends out there, it was said pretty loudly too) I reduced this twenty-two year old clueless girl to tears, which I feel TERRIBLE about! As a mom, I should be better and not fly off the handle like that, think of a better way to say it. I was filled with a rage for all moms and their struggles that I couldn't just let this roll off my duck back.

Then her friend comes up to me to try to explain her friend's stupidity...Saying that it was so cool that I would even get up there and play a show like that. The way she put this did not sit well with me at all. She called me insecure for being upset about it. I said how could an insecure person get on stage and do what I did. Doesn't make sense. This girl wouldn't lay off, she was totally setting herself up for a punch in the mouth. Ryan (best man ever) told her to get the {expletive} out or she was totally going to get messed up and she was two seconds away from hitting the floor and she totally was. She even had the gall to say that I wasn't open minded enough to here her side. BAHAHAHAHAHA! ME!

It wasn't about me though. People really can say what they want about me and the way I look. The thing that kills me with this mindset is, if you don't have kids or aren't close to someone who does, you have no idea and no right to comment on how it is to have children. When I heard that smack had been talked, I immediately felt that it was said about someone close to me and not really myself. Moms struggle so hard to weigh their personal lives against the care of and lives of their children. It is so hard for me to tuck my babies in and leave them with a sitter to go play a show. It is so hard for me to see my son get in his dad's car when it is time for him to go to his house for visitation. It is so hard to see your life and interests be split down the middle and then try to balance them with everything your kids are into.

To be a mother, adoptive or biological, you sacrifice EVERYTHING! You give up your body, time, sleep, food, drink, last bite of a cookie, you favorite stuffed animal, bed, pillow, intimacy, privacy, television time, and nearly every waking thought for your children. It is all done gladly and with a full heart of love. I am glad that I was ripped apart and sewn back together for my children, I wouldn't have it any other way. If I have a few scars, so be it. I created life! I know unconditional love. I am unconditional love from head to toe.

Mother's struggle with this crazy portrayed sense of what beauty is on a daily basis. So when I am out doing something that is completely for myself, but supported by my kids and family, it is incensing that someone could comment on how my body has been badly stretched out by those fantastically supportive people. I felt all the pain and insults that have been thrown at me over the years boil to the surface of my stretch marked skin and had to say a resounding FUCK YOU to all of those that are ignorant and themselves insecure. (Sorry not censored, because some times people need to hear what is coming to them)

My hope is that those girls will think before they try to speak on someone else's life and experiences before making assumptions and judgements. That someday they can know exactly how it feels to give your full self to a person and not expect anything in return, it is a beautiful thing. That they can understand it isn't about what it looks like, but how it feels. My hope is also that I never ever ever hear again, "Wow you look great for having three kids!" I look great because and feel great about myself and I work hard to have a healthy body, mind and soul, so that everyday I can get up and take care of those amazing kids.

All my Mommies, I love you and I stood up for us tonight. Without us, there would be no world. Let's teach people to not tear down what can create life. Start by teaching your babies what it is like to love like this and how wonderful it really is to be called MOM, no matter what you look like.

Lack of iron makes me RANT!!!

I have decided to wake up early before the kids in order to get things done and work on projects and whatever.  This is the first morning I have done it, so I have no idea what to do with myself.  I am bloggin.'  I have been scary low in the energy department and anemia has seeped out the remaining stores I had.  Bah.  I am getting better with the help of Camden and my supplements.

I saw this morning on the news that some of the mothers of the children caught up in the FLDS fiasco claim that the Texas government have lost two of their children.  WHAT?!?  What the hell is the Texas attorney general doing? What is the plan with these families?

The FLDS people have been living in Texas for decades.  Obviously, everyone sort of knew what was going on there, the men  have multiple partners and millions of children.  They have been left pretty much alone until this hoax call was made by a woman in Denver.  The Texas government busted in and separated hundreds of kids from their moms, seemingly with no plan whatsoever. Except for DNA tests for some reason, I guess the kids aren't telling who their parents are if they even know who their parents are that is, and now some of the kids might be lost!

I don't agree with any of the FLDS philosophies.  What I know anyway, I think is weird.  I think that if old men are getting teens pregnant then the MEN should be thrown in prison.  Duh. That is the law after all.  But why are the women and children being punished for the men's sex crimes? If it is true that the women are subdued  and the men are completely in charge in this society, why haven't they arrested any men?  Or why hasn't the Texas government separated the men from the women and the children?  Why are they doing this now when for years the FLDS sect has lived in Texas being freaky and weird?  Plenty of people have left the church with claims of under age sex and abuse, why have no other charges been placed until now?  Why is no one asking these questions of the Texas government?  I just don't get what is going on here.

This whole thing also reinforces the FLDS churches fears of the outside world.  Those who remain faithful after all this is somehow taken care of, are going to wrap their families into tighter little bundles and create more fear of all who are outside their church.  The Texas government seems to be taking the gestapo approach.  I feel so horrible for these mothers and kids, who probably don't even know if any crime has been committed or what the hell is going on!  If I am confused imagine how they feel.  

As my babies sleep in the next room, imagining them being taken from me creates a deep sinking nauseating feeling all through out my body.  How those children got into this world may have been a crime or even unconventional, but they are here now and they need their mommas to take care of them.  Why can't the moms be with the babies?  If they think that the mothers are brainwashed and will put the children in harm's way, then the government should psychologically evaluate the mothers.  They do that in all custody cases.  But that will not happen, the moms won't talk out of fear.  They have every reason now to be afraid, if the government can just take your kids with no real reason and hold them indefinitely who wouldn't be afraid?

I am going to figure out how to get an email to the Texas attorney general.  Moms if they are not hurting their babies, should be with their babies.  PERIOD.  I know we find their lives strange and their hair is freaky, but if the moms are not breaking the law we shouldn't judge them for their out there lifestyle and let them have their creepy ways and kids back.   

I wonder what the Mormon church and Mormons thinks of all this.  They keep getting lumped in with the FLDS people in the media.  As a citizen of Utah, I know that this is no longer so, but what do the leaders of the Mormon church have to say about all the lumping together?  I haven't heard if they have released a statement to the media.  If they have I would like to read it.  Those poor missionaries out there having to explain everything to people when they knock on doors.  Well, I guess they have had to do that anyway even before all this Texas stuff.  The whole plural marriage really sticks in people's heads.  I hope all the kids are okay, and hope they aren't too traumatized as well as the moms.  I think if my kids were about to be taken from me, I would have to be shot with several tranquilizer darts like a crazed polar bear.  Lack of iron and energy be damned, I would loose my mind!  Hold your kids tight and be grateful.  I know I will.