Sunday, August 17, 2008

Baby's First MRI...

I came home from the Cavedoll show on Friday night (Saturday morning really) and got my Elodie up for a snack. She couldn't eat anything past 3AM until after the MRI was done. She was NPO because they have to sedate babies. It was scheduled for 11AM, which is such a long time for a little one not to eat. I had to feed her something right before the cut off time. She was very confused, but in a silly mood. I knew she would either be really pissed at me, or really funny. I am glad she was funny. She had some peach yogurt, milk and crackers and cheese. She thought I looked pretty crazy in all my hair and make up from the show. Elodie went back to sleep with out a fuss as usual she is a pretty good little sleeper.

We all woke at the usual time. I tried to feed Joaquin at the dinner table so Elodie couldn't see him eating his breakfast and her wonder, "Hey Ma, where the hell is my waffle?" But he wanted to sit at his little table for breakfast so he could watch his cartoons. Elodie played happily on the floor, she was oblivious until Camden came home with bagels for us. I had to put her in her room, that was sad. It is so hard to deny your kid food. So hard. She got her binky which she only normally uses at night and she was pretty okay.

Now on to the waiting. We sat in the little room, as ya do and waited. Filled out forms and waited. Changed the baby and waited. There was a girl about Monro's age coming out of the sedation and she just lost her mind. She was screaming like they were cutting off a limb. That started to get to Elodie. We shut the door and hid in the little room. Elodie was so funny while we were just hanging out. I think she was delirious from hunger. She was laughing at everything I was doing and every toy was hilarious. She was a nut. A nurse came in to tell us that another patient that was already in the hospital had to have an MRI and that is why it was taking so long. This nurse had gum and Elodie noticed. After that she kept signing "eat" over and over. Sad.

Finally the nurses came in to give Elodie her IV. She was so good and hardly made a peep that she got to choose a toy out of the treasure box. She picked a soft brown teddy, I named her Meri, because it sounds like MRI. Heehee. Not too long after that it was her turn. She rested in my arms when they gave her the medicine to knock her out. It was funny how much she tried to fight it. She was laying across my arm and then when she could feel the tiredness coming on, she was trying so hard to get up. She was pointing off into the distance, said "Ma." and then she was asleep.

The test took about an hour to finish and then she would be coming out of the anesthesia for another hour, so I went out and got some gas and a snack. I went to that Tesoro by Presidents' Circle and as I was going into the store I heard our song, "Full of Awe" coming out of a car that had just finished fueling. It was so weird. I texted Camden immediately. (He was home with Joaquin and Monro) Wow, people actually listen to the CDs they buy. Huh.

So back I went to the hospital to wait. I sat in my car to eat my snack and drink my tea. I felt so alone. So all alone. I felt that no one could possible understand what I was going through at that exact moment, except my Camden. I called him and lost my composure. I had been so good up till then. I know what this part of an illness or a disorder or a whatever is like, this crazy "let's figure this out" phase and it sucks. I went through it for almost two years when we were trying to figure out what was happening to my brain. It is different when it is your baby though. They looks so tiny, so small on those big doctor machines. I fidgeted with Elodie's binky while I talked to Camden and had him set me right. He did, he almost always does. I popped the lid of my tea and it gave me a wonderful much needed quote about courage and I was able to suck it up and go in there and get my baby.

The nurse gave me my sleepy girl and it reminded me so much of the first time we met. She was hooked up to an IV, groggy and cute just like she was when I saw her the night she was born. She was trying so hard to talk and tell me all of her crazy drug dreams, but she couldn't. She could just make weird sounds, laugh a little and stretch and shrink her mouth. It was funny. After a half an hour and some apple juice she was good to come back home. She had another nap and then was pretty much back to normal. We went to Ryan's (our drummer) for a BBQ and she was just fine until bedtime came, which is usual. A girl needs her beauty sleep NOW DAMN IT!

I got a call today from the doctor. The findings were not as great as we had hoped, but not completely horrible either. Her brain is perfect, it is developing very well. So we can rule out any cognitive disorders, (I already knew that her brain was fine she is so stinking smart and adaptable). But next to her spine in her thoracic region is a soft tissue mass. It is connected to other tissues around the spine including her muscles and lung. We don't know what it is really, but it has gotten in the way of her spine developing properly and she has some atrophy in her spinal column. That is why her legs are not working and developing like they should. Atrophy if you don't know is the partial or complete wasting away of a part of the body. Which means that her leg and lower spinal weakness could be reversible with lots of therapy or maybe not. We don't know anything along those lines yet.

So what is next? Well, very soon she is going to have a CT scan to get a better idea of what this thing is and what we can do about it. This is all going to move very fast. She may have surgery, she may have more tests, but soon we will know what we are up against and what we can do to help Elodie. I am trying hard to stay positive and keep my nurse's cap on tight. If I think like I nurse more than a mom, I will do better with all that she will have to go through in the next little while. I will be there in the rocking chair waiting for her to be placed in my arms just like the first time we met. I will rock steady in that chair, I will be strong, because I have my Camden to set me right. He almost always does. ; ) Wish my baby luck.


Bella said...

oh vanessa...what an amazing post. i hope that was therapeutic to write. even amidst the tumbled emotions of the unknown, you were able to find the beauty in the experience while holding your little girl. i am so glad that you and camden have each other!! give yourself and your sweet baby a big hug from me!! you are such an inspiring mother!

Cadie said...

Oh my. I will hope and pray that everything will be all right, and that you will all have the strength to deal with whatever is coming. You are a strong lady, Knessie - I know it. You can teach Elodie to be a fighter just like her momma.