The Lady Lump...

Nearly three months ago I found a lump in my left breast. I waited a month to see if it would change or go away, and no change and it didn't. Waited another month, it hurt and concerned me so I called my doctor. I went in to see her after waiting weeks to get an appointment. She was pretty sketched out about it, so she sent me to St. Mark's for an ultrasound.

I don't know if many of you know how much distain I have for ultrasound techs. I do, a lot of it, distain. Not all techs, but mostly the ones I have come in contact with. Some think they are doctors and they try to tell you what their opinion is while you are in a very vulnerable state. Again this was the case with this particular tech. She was very condescending, and didn't want to bother the Radiologist with my results. He wasn't that interested in giving them to me either. I had to wait and wait and wait, because my doctor was once again out of town.

She called and said that yes, there is something there but it was small and just looked like dense weird tissue. She thought I needed to see a breast surgeon to get a second opinion on it. That is what I did today. The receptionist at the surgeon's office was very nice. She called me Sweety and complimented me on my cute ass kids, of course. Joaquin was full on Harry Potter today, complete with English accent. Dr. Naylor came in and examined me. He was also very nice and very knowledgeable. He said that he definitely felt it and had some concerns but was calm about it. He gave me two options, one to have surgery and just take it out, or two to wait three months and see if it changes.

In the months since I have discovered it, it hasn't changed. So...I have decided to wait the three months and see. I couldn't bare to have surgery right now with everything that is going on in my life. The fact that it hurts is a good thing. If it is still there in three months I might just get it removed anyway. I am taking vitamin E and have lowered my caffeine intake, so I will see if that helps it disappear. I am glad that Dr. Naylor was calm about it. I know that it would be extremely hard for me to fight a serious disease like cancer at this particular point in time. Usually my personality is far to feisty to be taken down by a stupid lump, maybe in three months I can take charge of it. Now I need to let it ease away and do my best to take care of myself gently. So...if you find it in your heart to think of me, think of my little lady lump and tell it to just fuck right off, because really, do I need this right now? No, I don't.

The Wheelchair

Last week we went to Shriner's to have Elodie's wheelchair evaluation. It was sweet. The tech put Elodie up in this giant measuring chair. She was measured head to toe. It was like she was getting fitted for a fancy suit. They stretched out her legs and arms and measured how wide she is. So funny. She was pretty stressed about it, being in that big ol weird chair. She was saying, "Mommy, mom, help," the whole time and doing the "gimme, gimme hand." Those are so hard to resist, but she had to stay put. The wheelchair is going to be tiny, twenty-two inch wheels. It will be small enough that she can learn to get in and out of it. It is teal, we are into teal lately and the kind of frame she needs didn't come in pink. I am glad about that. She has far too much pink.

I am happy about her getting a wheelchair and more independence, but there is a part of me that still can't believe it. My little girl is going to be in a wheelchair for God knows how long. She can move her legs more, and she is getting better at standing on her own, but the nerve impulses to walk aren't there yet, and might never be. It does make my heart ache. No one ever expects a tumor to grow in their baby and cause that baby's legs not to move. At times I blame myself for this happening. I think about my pregnancy and how stressed it was. My grandparents died, my mother went insane, I was still in an ugly custody battle with my ex, I had a small baby Joaquin to care for and I had panic attacks from all the stress. I felt so alone and just tried so hard to keep it together. Camden tried his best to deal with me, but he worked all the time. I remember reading that in Japanese culture the mother has to be protected from all negativity while she is pregnant, or health problems will come to the baby. That small story has echoed in my head. I know, I know, it isn't my fault, but it is so hard as a mother to not want to take on all the responsibility. All I want in life is to care for my children and do the best by them that I can, I feel like I failed Elodie when I was pregnant. I feel I should take some blame because I didn't take care of myself while I was pregnant with her. I took on too much. I still feel like I take on too much, but that is sort of a necessity. There is no one else that can do what I do, so I do it....and I do really love it. A mommy life is hard but ridiculously rewarding. No amount of money comes close to the feeling I get when my kids want one more hug and say I love you with their smiley little faces.

Everyday is interesting and full of dainty evolution. Elodie and I are coming closer and closer to being stronger. She has a lot of special talents. She is pulling up on her knees, big and tall. She speaks so well. She dances (on her bum and knees) and sings, I will teach her to harmonize. She loves everything so much. She hugs hard and kisses hard and bites HARD. Elodie has old eyes and can see right through to the very heart of people. She is going to be such a powerful force in mine and other peoples' lives....and now she is going to do it on wheels!

Elodie is a Badass!

Just got back from the latest Elodie check up with her Shriner's doctor. Other than it taking absolutely forever (nearly two hours!!!) it went great. What was not great, was hanging out in a tiny room with two very sleepy, very hungry, pre-schoolers trying to see who could whine/cry the loudest to Mom. Joaquin won of course. I wonder how many years have been taken off my life by just sitting in tiny waiting rooms with whining crying pre-schoolers. Where is the data on that one RealAge.com? I am guessing, four at least!

The orthopedist said that we are doing everything we should to keep her growing strong. We are to continue with physical therapy, get the wheel chair and walker and then wait and see. Also she wants me to continue with her massage so that her feet don't turn in and contract. Without that they could be like the wicked witch's in The Wizard of Oz when Dorothy takes the ruby slippers off. Not good. We have to be careful that she doesn't get injured on her legs, she could have a sprain or cut and not know it. We just have to be aware and not to let her get too crazy when she is playing.

Elodie also saw a neurologist to discuss what kind of sensation she has in her feet and legs. She examined her reflexes and said that there is actually quite a bit of response, so her decreased sensation might not be as bad as we first thought. She was also very hopeful about us being able to potty train Elodie in a regular way. Some kids that are paralyzed can't feel down there when they have to go, so they have to be catheterized and use enemas and whatnot. Ugh. But Elodie has periods of dryness and she has never been a constipated baby, so the out look on that is great. Phew.

The doctors today were very hopeful about Elodie someday learning how to walk. She will need assistance, but they even think that she won't always need assistance. Woo-Hoo! I would trust these doctors over anyone else. They see kids similar and more severe to Elodie day in and day out and can spot the ones that really want to move and groove. Elodie is for sure one of those. She has been getting into so much trouble lately. She has been acting like a two year, a regular bitch ass two year old. It is awesome! Just love her to pieces and I am so happy that she is developing and growing up. It may not be the "normal" way or always an upright standing-walking sort of way, but it is her own and she is rocking it! Who cares what "normal" is anyway when you are that freaking adorable? If I do say so myself...my kid is cute.

Some Things Stay the Same...

"I'll need you to write the patient's full name here," the receptionist said as I wrote down Elodie's enormous name. "Oh Elodie, that is such an adorable name."

"Thank you." I said, followed by my daughter's sincerely little parroting of my words, "Danku!" She is terribly polite and she cracked the receptionist up. I can't help but brag about her, she is awesome.

We didn't have to wait very long before the nurse came to take us back to the MRI waiting rooms. Elodie's nurse was named Christy and she instantly remembered her from last time. While waiting I got some very sweet text messages from friends encouraging positive thoughts and energy. It was very appreciated, because this time I was not being very brave. My heart felt so heavy and my mind was so distant from all the unknown possibilities. The nurse practitioner came in to hear the history...on and on and on I went. I have told this story so many times it doesn't feel like it really happened to us. It feels as if it was a movie I saw, or a story I read. That is good I guess, to keep it far from me in times such as this. It helps to not collapse into tears.

Elodie's hands and feet were really cold. The nurses took four tries to get an IV in her. FOUR!!! They finally got one in her foot, and it was sad. She really didn't flinch too much, she said ouch, but that is about it. It really made me realize she just can't feel very much in her feet. There is feeling, but it is slight.

We were then shuffled over to the MRI room. Elodie and I had to sit in a chair outside the door when she was getting sedated. I have metal in my body, so I can't be by the giant magnet. I held her in my lap as the nurse gave her the medicine to put her to sleep. She fought it pretty hard for a second. Her head rolled back over my arm, her little eyes met mine and she kissed toward me, a sleepy loud kiss. Tears fell heavy and hard from my eyes. Elodie is the sweetest little girl. She loves to love and cuddle, it is the best thing ever. I handed my baby to the nurse and kissed her good-bye and in my head told the tumor to fuck off and quit making me cry. I watched on the monitor as the nurse laid Elodie on that big machine. It was hard to breathe. I went down to the cafeteria to force feed myself breakfast. I had no appetite, even less than usual. The breakfast was actually really good. French toast and bacon. Bacon is the miracle food, you can't cry when you are eating bacon. Seriously, you can't.

I went back to the recovery area and waited for my baby. I sat there for another twenty minutes or so getting more lovely text from friends. Ah technology, I love it. When the tech brought her out it was like slow motion. She looked so tiny in his arms and felt so lovely and warm when he sat her on my lap. It didn't take long before she was awake and demanding juice and crackers. This time at least, she can tell me more of what she needs. Her speech is really good. Elodie was all finished with her post vitals and we were able to leave. She charmed the whole staff again before we left. In her drugged state she was blowing kisses, saying thank you and good-bye. She is ridiculously sweet.

The next day we headed back to Primary Children's for her results. I felt pretty okay about it. I got all my crying done the day before. When we went into the oncology office, they all remembered Elodie. "Oh it is that cute curly headed girl, look how big she is!" That is so cool. They see tons of people going in and out of there and we were lucky enough to only been there a few times in the fall. Some kids are there every week being pumped full of cancer killing chemicals. Sigh.

Turns out the tumor has stayed the same size. Not growing or dying anymore. Stagnant. So that is really good. The spinal atrophy that the tumor caused is still there. It looks like a little dent on the scan. What that means is that she still has the nerve weakness that is causing her legs to not move very much or have much sensation. The doctors do agree that she has had mad improvement. There is no surgery or anything else we can do, so far, to improve her skills. We just have to keep on keeping on and hope that she gets more movement and sensation. She will probably need a lot of assistance for a few years. Wheelchair, braces, or crutches to help her walk and get around. I don't know why, I mean I knew all of this, but when Dr. Fluchel said it, it once again broke my heart.

I don't really think about how Elodie can't stand or walk until I am confronted with it. I will see a baby about her age cruising around the store or wherever and remember that she can't. My heart does sink, I am only human. I do morn that she probably won't be in dance when she is four or be able to ride a bike. I do love her just the way she is and will in no way put any pressure on her to do what she isn't ready for just yet. She will be just fine and so will I. This is her challenge and she is facing it head on. I love seeing her in therapy. She gets so fired up to move and she is doing so well. There has been great improvement and I know she is just going to get better. I focus on the progress and not on what she can't do. She is amazing and so sweet and smart. I can't take that girl anywhere without her getting compliments on how cute she is. It is rad hanging out with her.

She has an appointment with the orthopedist on the 23rd, so we will see what she thinks about Elodie's progress and if there is something more we can be doing. I am so thankful we got hooked up with them. It is the best place for her to grow and develop under their very experienced and watchful eye. So we are still in the holding pattern, doing our thing and being cute. I will blog about the 23rd visit and with hope and love everything will be a-okay! Elodie is a fighter, a fluffy panda with hidden powers of fierceness! I am so glad she is that way, she helps me stay positive.

Elodie Evolution Evalution at the CDC...

She did grrrreat! Tony the freaking Tiger couldn't have said it better. My Elodie was in a cheerful mood and showed Dr. Winter and Scott, the physical therapist at the Child Development Clinic, all her tricks. She did sorta started to loose it in the end, but hey, they always do at doctor appointments.

So the plan is...We are going to stay on track with the physical therapy at DDI and Shriner's. Scott also suggested we think about getting her a wheel chair to use as a tool for exploration. Elodie probably wouldn't use it all the time if we did get her one, just when we where out. She could really move and explore with other kids. We will cross that bridge when we come to it though. I plan on asking Mark, her Shriner's PT when we go there on Friday what he thinks. Apparently, kids younger than Elodie learn to navigate in a chair just fine and she would still be gaining strength through therapy and being down on the floor crawling around. So yeah...not a bad assessment. She is also going to have another MRI in February to make sure that the tumor is going away (yeah!), or staying stagnant (meh), or if it is growing (God forbid). Those two days are going to be tough for me, find me and hug me tight. I have already prescribed myself deep breaths and yoga.

My day was totally made when Dr. Winter, a very excellent doctor and just all around cool person, said that I was smart and a good mom. GAH! That so rocks! She said I was so calm, level headed and easy to talk to. That made me feel like the cat's pajamas. I respect this woman so greatly. She was there through all of Elodie's tests, even though she didn't need to be, early on in the process her part was finished. She really helped me feel that she cared about us and that I was not alone in all of it. She was there and that can be rare for a doctor. It was a good appointment all around. And Camden came! So this time I really wasn't alone! We had lunch afterward and that was really nice. Joaquin was good and followed directions. It is rad when everyone is doing their thing and getting along. That makes me feel like, "Yeah, maybe I am doing a few things right, and maybe it is going to work out like I hope." Here to having really cool kids!

Step back in the Evolution, Step forward for Mom Kind...

I just finished playing my show and I couldn't sleep or even calm down from what transpired there tonight. I had to write to get a sense of peace within me. Usually this wild energy is a good thing; more glasses are raised, hugs are given, happiness is abounding, but tonight was sorely not the case.

We rocked it! It was a great show. There were tons of people there, a lot of which I had been hoping to see for a long time. The crowd was into it and totally dancing and every thing. We finished and I get off stage to hug my Jennifer, and I hear that a girl was pointing out my stretch marks to people while I was tearing the roof off the dive. (I wore a black tank, with a sparkly silver cardigan over it, so while dancing my tank would creep up a bit to show my stretch marks like a half an inch at the most) "WHAT?!?" Was my first response and then, "Oh hell no..." came next.

I was possessed by such anger and disgust. There was no way in my mind I was going to let a person walk out of that bar thinking that they could totally down play everything I had just done on that stage, just because I carried and gave birth to three beautiful kids. I found the girl and promptly said, "Hey, heard you were pointing my stretch marks out to your friends while I was singing. Yeah, I have three {expletive} kids, and I have {expletive} stretch marks, and I {expletive} dare you, {expletive} dare you to do what I just did on the stage! So you better think about what you are saying the next time you want to comment on someone's body! {expletive} YOU! You {expletive, expletive} (The last word is one of my favorite swears of all time rarely used in the states, but it is probably considered the worst thing you can say to a girl ever! *blush* Censored version for my LDS mommy friends out there, it was said pretty loudly too) I reduced this twenty-two year old clueless girl to tears, which I feel TERRIBLE about! As a mom, I should be better and not fly off the handle like that, think of a better way to say it. I was filled with a rage for all moms and their struggles that I couldn't just let this roll off my duck back.

Then her friend comes up to me to try to explain her friend's stupidity...Saying that it was so cool that I would even get up there and play a show like that. The way she put this did not sit well with me at all. She called me insecure for being upset about it. I said how could an insecure person get on stage and do what I did. Doesn't make sense. This girl wouldn't lay off, she was totally setting herself up for a punch in the mouth. Ryan (best man ever) told her to get the {expletive} out or she was totally going to get messed up and she was two seconds away from hitting the floor and she totally was. She even had the gall to say that I wasn't open minded enough to here her side. BAHAHAHAHAHA! ME!

It wasn't about me though. People really can say what they want about me and the way I look. The thing that kills me with this mindset is, if you don't have kids or aren't close to someone who does, you have no idea and no right to comment on how it is to have children. When I heard that smack had been talked, I immediately felt that it was said about someone close to me and not really myself. Moms struggle so hard to weigh their personal lives against the care of and lives of their children. It is so hard for me to tuck my babies in and leave them with a sitter to go play a show. It is so hard for me to see my son get in his dad's car when it is time for him to go to his house for visitation. It is so hard to see your life and interests be split down the middle and then try to balance them with everything your kids are into.

To be a mother, adoptive or biological, you sacrifice EVERYTHING! You give up your body, time, sleep, food, drink, last bite of a cookie, you favorite stuffed animal, bed, pillow, intimacy, privacy, television time, and nearly every waking thought for your children. It is all done gladly and with a full heart of love. I am glad that I was ripped apart and sewn back together for my children, I wouldn't have it any other way. If I have a few scars, so be it. I created life! I know unconditional love. I am unconditional love from head to toe.

Mother's struggle with this crazy portrayed sense of what beauty is on a daily basis. So when I am out doing something that is completely for myself, but supported by my kids and family, it is incensing that someone could comment on how my body has been badly stretched out by those fantastically supportive people. I felt all the pain and insults that have been thrown at me over the years boil to the surface of my stretch marked skin and had to say a resounding FUCK YOU to all of those that are ignorant and themselves insecure. (Sorry not censored, because some times people need to hear what is coming to them)

My hope is that those girls will think before they try to speak on someone else's life and experiences before making assumptions and judgements. That someday they can know exactly how it feels to give your full self to a person and not expect anything in return, it is a beautiful thing. That they can understand it isn't about what it looks like, but how it feels. My hope is also that I never ever ever hear again, "Wow you look great for having three kids!" I look great because and feel great about myself and I work hard to have a healthy body, mind and soul, so that everyday I can get up and take care of those amazing kids.

All my Mommies, I love you and I stood up for us tonight. Without us, there would be no world. Let's teach people to not tear down what can create life. Start by teaching your babies what it is like to love like this and how wonderful it really is to be called MOM, no matter what you look like.

The Lonely Day of Gross...

Better times have been had...

Camden forgot to change Elodie before he put her to bed last night. She leaked everywhere! It was literally from head to toe she was soaked. First bath of the day and first load of laundry was due to stinky baby skunk pee and Daddy.

Really I am as well to blame in the lonely day of gross. Next gross thing that happen... I was eating a no-bake oatmeal cookie and gave a tiny, tiny, tiny piece to Elodie. They have peanut butter in them and she is allergic. She has had a Reese pieces with no problem, so I thought maybe she had grown out of it. Her lips did get a little puffy and a bit red but that was it. I gave her some benadryl and thought maybe she is getting better. That was it, until I took my eyes off of her of course. Joaquin and I were in the kitchen and I hear a heavy thick cough. She threw up her entire breakfast in her lap, hit nothing else but herself. I quickly grabbed her to put her in the tub, as I did she turned her head and lost it all over the coffee table and rug. Actually that was a good thing, because if she would have turned the other way, she would have hit the Christmas tree. That would have been the end of Christmas for me all together. Second bath and second load of laundry was due to my stupidity and peanut butter puke.

Then they had a nap. Yeah! After cleaning up all of that I was in need of a break. I did get a little rest. I hid in my blankets and wished for a warm doggy to snuggle and tell my troubles to. No such luck with that coming true, before I knew it the disaster twins were awake and hungry. I go in their den of preschool evil to be hit in the face with the terrifying stench of dirty diaper. It was Joaquin! He hardly ever has accidents, he has been so good about going to the potty. I gave him a bit of that cookie as well. He is also allergic, but not as severe as Elodie. So that is how the rogue peanut butter decided to leave his tiny body and he couldn't wait to yell for me, poor thing. Gah. It was so explosive, so gross and so everywhere. Third bath I gave, third load of laundry due to again the stupidity of me.

Extremely challenging mommy day and like I said, mostly my fault. I just feel so lonely in all of it sometimes. I love being home with my kids. It is a really hard job to do. So the next time you see one of your SAHM friends, please give her a hug and a kiss. Take her out of the house in a cute outfit to a movie, dinner, drinks, or give her copious amounts of xanax or weed. Make her feel like a girl and not just the cleaner of bodily functions and mean babies. Believe me, she totally needs it, even though she caused it herself and she is totally stupid. Derp.