Elodie Evolution Evalution at the CDC...

She did grrrreat! Tony the freaking Tiger couldn't have said it better. My Elodie was in a cheerful mood and showed Dr. Winter and Scott, the physical therapist at the Child Development Clinic, all her tricks. She did sorta started to loose it in the end, but hey, they always do at doctor appointments.

So the plan is...We are going to stay on track with the physical therapy at DDI and Shriner's. Scott also suggested we think about getting her a wheel chair to use as a tool for exploration. Elodie probably wouldn't use it all the time if we did get her one, just when we where out. She could really move and explore with other kids. We will cross that bridge when we come to it though. I plan on asking Mark, her Shriner's PT when we go there on Friday what he thinks. Apparently, kids younger than Elodie learn to navigate in a chair just fine and she would still be gaining strength through therapy and being down on the floor crawling around. So yeah...not a bad assessment. She is also going to have another MRI in February to make sure that the tumor is going away (yeah!), or staying stagnant (meh), or if it is growing (God forbid). Those two days are going to be tough for me, find me and hug me tight. I have already prescribed myself deep breaths and yoga.

My day was totally made when Dr. Winter, a very excellent doctor and just all around cool person, said that I was smart and a good mom. GAH! That so rocks! She said I was so calm, level headed and easy to talk to. That made me feel like the cat's pajamas. I respect this woman so greatly. She was there through all of Elodie's tests, even though she didn't need to be, early on in the process her part was finished. She really helped me feel that she cared about us and that I was not alone in all of it. She was there and that can be rare for a doctor. It was a good appointment all around. And Camden came! So this time I really wasn't alone! We had lunch afterward and that was really nice. Joaquin was good and followed directions. It is rad when everyone is doing their thing and getting along. That makes me feel like, "Yeah, maybe I am doing a few things right, and maybe it is going to work out like I hope." Here to having really cool kids!

Once Upon a Time...

Me @ 17-------------------------------------------->
I watched a great movie the other night.  "Into the Wild,"  it is a book, and I can't wait to read it.  I usually read the books first and then have lots to complain about when I see the movie.  It reminded me of a person I used to be ten years ago.  Before babies, jobs, school, divorce, pain and love.  I was an immensely confident person, cocky at times, but with that came fearlessness.  I was so not shy.  I would laugh loud and sing out whatever song was stuck in my head.  I would wear ballet costumes to the grocery store and see how many flowers I could fit in my hair.  I would hardly wear make-up and had no concerns if I looked gorgeous with or without it.  I had no fear of dirt or natural water and didn't mind if I got a stain on my shirt.  I made or altered all my clothes, and in my junior year rarely wore the same thing twice.  I was a bohemia girl, a classy type of hippy.  I loved people truly and deeply without the fear of getting a big fat fuck you when I needed some love or help.  I danced, I sang, I acted, I screamed, I called people to hang out, I looked for ways to push myself and push I did.  Maybe too far, to the point I guess where I craved a closed mouth.

I was big in spirit and then something happened.  I became domesticated.  I have been trained so to speak, to not speak.  I have given in to what is liked and not liked.  I have lived for awhile, to some extent, to please and not to be pleased.  I feel as if I have to watch my words, watch myself and not be that big spirit that is hiding.  I love my life.  I know right now it doesn't sound pleasant, but it really is!  I have loved being there for my hubby and kids and don't plan on changing that whatsoever.  I just feel I have given in a lot to my husband and kids like a lot of women do.  I am not very fussy and giving is in my nature.  I would much rather make people happy then get my way.

But being this way I have recently noticed it has caused a great deal of self doubt and insecurity that I never had before.  I question myself all the time and feel like a dork for being expressive. I really used to fight against this as a kid, but forgot how.  Just as an example, the other night we played a show and I went crazy.  I dance, sang, shouted, acted, pretended, became the girl I once was....but afterward I felt so LAME!  I felt that I was far too over the top, because when I see bands I just see boys stand and play.  They are rarely shaking it at all, and never show their underwear, yeah, I kinda showed my underwear.  Our last drummer kinda pick on my about talking too much to the audience and that I needed to take things more seriously.   So that seed of insecurity was planted.  When I let loose I feel like I will disappoint people.  Friday I got so much positive feedback, but still on the way home I was beating myself up.  Ugh.  I hate this feeling.  I hate feeling censored all the time.   But sometimes, I think it is too far to turn back and find that girl that wore tutus to Wal-Mart and couldn't have cared less.

This is my personal struggle that I am trying hard to overcome.  If anyone out there feels the same thing and is having the same inner fight I would love to hear what you are doing to conquer it.  I am entering a time of spiritual growth and plan to not compromise that very much.  She has had too much pruning as it is.