Once Upon a Time...

Me @ 17-------------------------------------------->
I watched a great movie the other night.  "Into the Wild,"  it is a book, and I can't wait to read it.  I usually read the books first and then have lots to complain about when I see the movie.  It reminded me of a person I used to be ten years ago.  Before babies, jobs, school, divorce, pain and love.  I was an immensely confident person, cocky at times, but with that came fearlessness.  I was so not shy.  I would laugh loud and sing out whatever song was stuck in my head.  I would wear ballet costumes to the grocery store and see how many flowers I could fit in my hair.  I would hardly wear make-up and had no concerns if I looked gorgeous with or without it.  I had no fear of dirt or natural water and didn't mind if I got a stain on my shirt.  I made or altered all my clothes, and in my junior year rarely wore the same thing twice.  I was a bohemia girl, a classy type of hippy.  I loved people truly and deeply without the fear of getting a big fat fuck you when I needed some love or help.  I danced, I sang, I acted, I screamed, I called people to hang out, I looked for ways to push myself and push I did.  Maybe too far, to the point I guess where I craved a closed mouth.

I was big in spirit and then something happened.  I became domesticated.  I have been trained so to speak, to not speak.  I have given in to what is liked and not liked.  I have lived for awhile, to some extent, to please and not to be pleased.  I feel as if I have to watch my words, watch myself and not be that big spirit that is hiding.  I love my life.  I know right now it doesn't sound pleasant, but it really is!  I have loved being there for my hubby and kids and don't plan on changing that whatsoever.  I just feel I have given in a lot to my husband and kids like a lot of women do.  I am not very fussy and giving is in my nature.  I would much rather make people happy then get my way.

But being this way I have recently noticed it has caused a great deal of self doubt and insecurity that I never had before.  I question myself all the time and feel like a dork for being expressive. I really used to fight against this as a kid, but forgot how.  Just as an example, the other night we played a show and I went crazy.  I dance, sang, shouted, acted, pretended, became the girl I once was....but afterward I felt so LAME!  I felt that I was far too over the top, because when I see bands I just see boys stand and play.  They are rarely shaking it at all, and never show their underwear, yeah, I kinda showed my underwear.  Our last drummer kinda pick on my about talking too much to the audience and that I needed to take things more seriously.   So that seed of insecurity was planted.  When I let loose I feel like I will disappoint people.  Friday I got so much positive feedback, but still on the way home I was beating myself up.  Ugh.  I hate this feeling.  I hate feeling censored all the time.   But sometimes, I think it is too far to turn back and find that girl that wore tutus to Wal-Mart and couldn't have cared less.

This is my personal struggle that I am trying hard to overcome.  If anyone out there feels the same thing and is having the same inner fight I would love to hear what you are doing to conquer it.  I am entering a time of spiritual growth and plan to not compromise that very much.  She has had too much pruning as it is.