Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Cacophonous Crescendo...

I get a moment to myself and think, "What the hell?" I can't believe this is my life and I can't believe that in a week's time I will have lived 30 years of it. WHAT THE HELL, indeed!

It has been a month since I started on the skin regimen. Some places on my face have responded better than others, but I think it is moving along okay. My doctor said that we wouldn't know if it is really working until I have been on it for three months. Fingers crossed. I am sick of looking like a teenager with crow's feet.

My bedroom also looks like it belongs to a teenager. It is really awful. I haven't cleaned it in god knows how long. My dresser drawer is broken so it lays lifeless on the floor, getting panties throw at it and regretfully accepting said panties. I have clothes everywhere, I know what is clean though, because the dirty ones do end up in the hamper, yeah me! The clean ones lay on a llama fur rug I have on the floor. There is a cup left on my side table from milk and cookies I had last night. The space next to me on the bed is covered with books ranging from such titles as, "Feng Shui Made Easy," (pfft...scoff) to "The No Cry Potty Training Solution." In reading the last book I have come to learn that it means the kid doesn't cry; the mom on the other hand can't stop crying as she cleans puddles of pee off the bathroom floor. No cry, pfft...scoff, whateves man. Anyway, by the time I get back into my room it is far too late to even think about putting my laundry away. I just want to watch the Food Network until I pass out and my television shuts itself off. "What about the weekend?" you say. What is a weekend? I am a mom I don't get those anymore, everyday is the same. Joaquin comes in my room first thing in the morning, and puts his little face right up to mine and says, "Wake up, Mom. I wanna wah-wah," (waffle) so that is exactly what I do, wake up and give the children their wah-wahs. I would much rather hang out with all of them then put away stupid clothes.

Week before last I was much more ambitious. I got out made an effort to connect with new people, it went well. Things were good. I felt like I was settling into this new life I have created. I could text people and they would receive my text and text something back in order to make plans. Ummm. What do ya know, eh? I had fun, went to a movie, went to Mike's for a fight, saw a bunch of people at the Twilight Concert Series thing, that was good but really packed. Fun though, I felt grounded and important to people.

Then last week, Monro was home and he was so excited to go to camp that he couldn't focus on anything else. I had so much to do to get him ready. He was a total spazz cadet. Elodie had two sessions of therapy with her two different therapist. We were/are only down to one car. I don't know what is wrong with the Honda, but the "check engine" light is on so we can't drive it. Can't get it fix because there is no money to pay anyone to fix it. It is a whole ordeal.

Last week felt uneasy and it was just peaking more and more until there was a completely collapse on Sunday. My heart was once again broken, so to the sewing machine I went to stitch it together. It is hard to not have an unconditional love to run to, eyes red and puffy, snotty Klenex in hand and not feel shame. I know that as an adult I should be strong and grieve in silence or alone, but fuck, it is hard. So hard when I have lived almost all 30 of my years with a friend to go to. I haven't had parents to support me like that, so there is your answer to that, no mom. It would be nice to have a love to trust to just let me know that even though things are rough I am good and I can do this. I do and have been telling myself that, but there is very little reinforcement. I know that I am a tough girl, if you read over my blog, you can see the things that I have been through and that I made it out with a smile on my face and a lesson to tuck into my pocket. But...I want that...I want closeness. It is not like I depend on it. Obviously, I haven't had it in awhile and I am still breathing and able so smile and laugh, but gah...I just want some love in my corner. I know I have a lot of support out there I really do, and I am so grateful. A lot of my friends from growing up are scattered across the country. I wish I could wrap my soggy arms around you in real life and have you pet my head and tell me to shhhh. Just shhhh....because it is going to be fine.

As I sit here writing I have a knot in my throat and my eyes have become all glossy. What a painful year! I guess it was needed, some sort of cacophonous crescendo at the end of my twenties to remind me those were ten hard ass years. I can only hope that next Tuesday when I turn that corner onto my thirties it will be toward a sunnier side of the street. It is all a series of moments, I am making the best of mine, thankfully with the help of my loves there will be more and more of this dainty evolution.