The Dainty Evolution of Kness...

Calm Closing Sense of Complete...

2009-10-21T11:30:00.001-07:00

The old rice filling up the pot was the most beautiful thing. Suspended in water, and hugged by each molecule. It was lovely as I tipped the pot and let it spill over into the sink. Swirling like a sea of stars, the rice was over taken by the gravity of the drain. I flipped the switch to let it be eaten by the sink machine. It sucked it in gladly and away the rice went. That thing eats more than my kids. What a waste of lovely rice, what a terrific sacrifice.

You know what I miss....? I miss driving home from my job. It was such a relief and good feeling. I would turn my music up really loudly and lean way back in my Mini Cooper seat. When I last had a job I was really into Pinback, which isn't particularly a band one plays loudly, but it sounded so good in that car. I listened to the mix CD I made over and over. Driving down the canyon was a blast in that car. I could go so fast so easily, not even afraid of slippery curves. I know Parleys like the bad of me hand. After the season ended in Park City, I worked downtown. That was also a fun drive home, all the people and the cars to look at, wondering where everyone was going and who they went home to. Any drive home was a good one....I felt accomplished and that I had really earned my living. I worked very hard at the spas. I made it a personal mission to "take care," of these strangers and let them know that they deserved to feel good and relax.

Now I am on the other side...needing to feel good and relax. My days are hard and long, but full of love. I get to take care of the people I enjoy most. There is just no drive home. No sense of completion or relief, because this job does not stop. Even when I am away, I am here. It makes no sense this mommy occupation. I love it, it frustrates me, I question myself constantly and get to the breaking point, then I get hugs and kisses and it melts away. The days are schizophrenic and controlled, the deep, the scars, the emotion that rises and falls- all swirling like a sea of stars. I am in it all for keeps.

In my imagination, as I move through my days, some one beautiful brushes my hair, wraps it in a towel to keep it clean as she washes my face, and takes care of this stranger. Some day I will become reacquainted with that relief, that calm closing sense of complete and it will be good for everyone. But as for now I have pots of old rice that are beautiful in their sacrifice, snotty noses to wipe, and applesauce to clean up. I notice everything and keep it close. For when I am away, I want to remember what I have to come home to....you. Crazy, dirty, crying, snuggly, you... and we are all better when Mom comes home.

It has been a year...

2009-09-20T10:54:00.000-07:00

On September 3rd of this year Elodie was getting casts done for new braces, last year she was having a biopsy of her tumor. It is amazing that it has only been a year. It seems like an eternity, because of everything that has happened since then. I have been particularly sensitive to all of this lately. I guess it has to do with me coming off my antidepressants and the thought of where I was a year ago. Standing over my little lady in a hospital crib, waiting, and waiting, and waiting to hear the most beautiful word in the English language...benign. I did hear it (thank the lord) and had everyone repeat it to me, so it could forever sing in my mind that she was going to be fine. She will get those new braces on Friday.

She is so fine. She is hilarious and loving. I think she is really good at making all of us feel loved by her. She cuddles and compliments and tries to get everyone to smile. She can use her walker like a champ now and she is getting bigger braces. The other ones, pinch her cubby little legs. While waiting for the new ones, we have been working on more abdomen exercises to help stabilizer her so she isn't relying so much on her hands. It all depends on the day if she is willing to not use her hands. I know she can sit and kneel without them, I have seen it. When she is tired she cheats and puts her hand down.

We haven't any news on the wheelchair. I have no idea what is going on there. I think I haven't investigated it, because I am tired and I am also just nervous about it all. My emotions on the subject run kinda high. I know I need to tone it down and have a better sense of humor about my daughter being in a wheelchair (or whatever), but it is hard. I have to stop trying to be the champion of the world and just be the champion for my daughter. I am doing my best. But I need better skills, I have no idea where to go for help on the subject. I don't know what I would do if she was made fun of for it, I would be crushed. I need to be stronger, as strong as she is. I am so glad that child was born with a natural wit, and smart-assness that could go up against most adults. She is too stubborn and tenacious not to completely conquer the world.

I need to breathe, deep, deep breaths. Maybe I should quit worrying about where she will be fine and turn it in on myself. Vanessa will be fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. This must be how Sally Field feels in all of her movies. She always has one of those frantic "I'm okay going insane" speeches and things work out okay.....even if she does pick up a few more personalities along the way. Oh...boy.

They are Leaving on a Jet Plane....WAH!!!!

2009-08-18T18:19:00.000-07:00

The unbelievable is about to happen. My world as I know it is going to halt for 10 days. I will be made to entertain myself for hours and hours on end. There will be no schedule, no meals to be made, no laundry to be done, no stories to read, no appointments to run to unless I choose to do any of those things. What is going to happen?!? My kids are going to Florida to visit their grandparents for 10 days!!!

I am a bundle of nerves and excitement. Just thinking about it makes me shake inside and breathe heavy heavy sighs. Mostly I am excited for my babies and their grandparents, they have never had them at their house before. The last and only time we went to Florida I was recovering from my first eye surgery, that was like 2004, so yeah no babies back then. Joaquin is so thrilled to get on a plane. Grandma Julee sent them a book about going on vacation and we have been reading it everyday. He asks me nearly every time he hears a plane, "Do we go on da airpane today? We see Gampa, Gampa?" He calls them both the same thing. I hope that the tornado twins are good for their grandma. She is taking them on the plane. Camden was supposed to, but he doesn't feel well enough to fly. It is better that way. They are usually better for other people than they are us anyway. I have left them before, and their grandparents have watched them here, but never ever have I been that long in this house without my children. When I think about it, I have to close my eyes and clench up my hands tight to force back tears. Gulp. I really can't wait to see the pictures and hear their little voices over the phone telling me about all their adventures. I hope this can become a tradition for them. Florida is such a different place than Utah (duh) and I would like them to have a very close relationship with their grandparents. Even when they are older I would like them to spend entire summers there with them. How awesome would that be for a kid? I want them to stay close to their grandparents their whole lives.

I still have to pack for them. Man, I guess I have been putting it off because it is going to be so hard to be in this house without them. I really have no idea what I am going to do with myself. On Saturday I am going to Lagoon with friends. That is going to be super fun. I haven't been to Lagoon without kids for years and it is a lot more fun when you don't have to push a stroller everywhere and change bums on the dirty Lagoon changing tables. Bleck! So yeah, that is it. Those are the only plans I have so far. I kinda feel pathetic that I don't know what to do...I want to do something and not just waste my time sleeping in and wandering around my house unshowered, holding a teddy bear, and asking the cats if they will let me dress them in Elodie's clothes. I have this image of myself in dirty pajamas, hair oily and knotted, eyes sunken in, yarn tangled around my feet, dried mascara clumps in the corner of my eyes and nothing to do but cry. Okay that is super dramatic. But really I am afraid of being without them. They are my little rays of sunshine that give me such love in the morning I can start the day smiling. Ugh. I am going to miss that. Also I have them pretty scheduled mostly, give or take a half and hour and that is going to be gone. It will be interesting. I plan on getting to know myself and new friends a little better. So if I call or text you, please answer. Take pity on this lost little momma and help me fill my days with love. I will try my best to not feed, clean, or mother you in anyway, but if I do, please let me, I will be going through lovey dovey withdrawals.

Cacophonous Crescendo...

2009-07-21T15:13:00.000-07:00

I get a moment to myself and think, "What the hell?" I can't believe this is my life and I can't believe that in a week's time I will have lived 30 years of it. WHAT THE HELL, indeed!

It has been a month since I started on the skin regimen. Some places on my face have responded better than others, but I think it is moving along okay. My doctor said that we wouldn't know if it is really working until I have been on it for three months. Fingers crossed. I am sick of looking like a teenager with crow's feet.

My bedroom also looks like it belongs to a teenager. It is really awful. I haven't cleaned it in god knows how long. My dresser drawer is broken so it lays lifeless on the floor, getting panties throw at it and regretfully accepting said panties. I have clothes everywhere, I know what is clean though, because the dirty ones do end up in the hamper, yeah me! The clean ones lay on a llama fur rug I have on the floor. There is a cup left on my side table from milk and cookies I had last night. The space next to me on the bed is covered with books ranging from such titles as, "Feng Shui Made Easy," (pfft...scoff) to "The No Cry Potty Training Solution." In reading the last book I have come to learn that it means the kid doesn't cry; the mom on the other hand can't stop crying as she cleans puddles of pee off the bathroom floor. No cry, pfft...scoff, whateves man. Anyway, by the time I get back into my room it is far too late to even think about putting my laundry away. I just want to watch the Food Network until I pass out and my television shuts itself off. "What about the weekend?" you say. What is a weekend? I am a mom I don't get those anymore, everyday is the same. Joaquin comes in my room first thing in the morning, and puts his little face right up to mine and says, "Wake up, Mom. I wanna wah-wah," (waffle) so that is exactly what I do, wake up and give the children their wah-wahs. I would much rather hang out with all of them then put away stupid clothes.

Week before last I was much more ambitious. I got out made an effort to connect with new people, it went well. Things were good. I felt like I was settling into this new life I have created. I could text people and they would receive my text and text something back in order to make plans. Ummm. What do ya know, eh? I had fun, went to a movie, went to Mike's for a fight, saw a bunch of people at the Twilight Concert Series thing, that was good but really packed. Fun though, I felt grounded and important to people.

Then last week, Monro was home and he was so excited to go to camp that he couldn't focus on anything else. I had so much to do to get him ready. He was a total spazz cadet. Elodie had two sessions of therapy with her two different therapist. We were/are only down to one car. I don't know what is wrong with the Honda, but the "check engine" light is on so we can't drive it. Can't get it fix because there is no money to pay anyone to fix it. It is a whole ordeal.

Last week felt uneasy and it was just peaking more and more until there was a completely collapse on Sunday. My heart was once again broken, so to the sewing machine I went to stitch it together. It is hard to not have an unconditional love to run to, eyes red and puffy, snotty Klenex in hand and not feel shame. I know that as an adult I should be strong and grieve in silence or alone, but fuck, it is hard. So hard when I have lived almost all 30 of my years with a friend to go to. I haven't had parents to support me like that, so there is your answer to that, no mom. It would be nice to have a love to trust to just let me know that even though things are rough I am good and I can do this. I do and have been telling myself that, but there is very little reinforcement. I know that I am a tough girl, if you read over my blog, you can see the things that I have been through and that I made it out with a smile on my face and a lesson to tuck into my pocket. But...I want that...I want closeness. It is not like I depend on it. Obviously, I haven't had it in awhile and I am still breathing and able so smile and laugh, but gah...I just want some love in my corner. I know I have a lot of support out there I really do, and I am so grateful. A lot of my friends from growing up are scattered across the country. I wish I could wrap my soggy arms around you in real life and have you pet my head and tell me to shhhh. Just shhhh....because it is going to be fine.

As I sit here writing I have a knot in my throat and my eyes have become all glossy. What a painful year! I guess it was needed, some sort of cacophonous crescendo at the end of my twenties to remind me those were ten hard ass years. I can only hope that next Tuesday when I turn that corner onto my thirties it will be toward a sunnier side of the street. It is all a series of moments, I am making the best of mine, thankfully with the help of my loves there will be more and more of this dainty evolution.

The Skinny on My Skin...

2009-06-23T09:12:00.000-07:00

My face is in an identity crisis. The top thinks it is 30, properly getting fine lines and what have you. The bottom thinks it is 15 and is getting acne like I rubbed a Hot Pocket on my face. No good. I have been trying my best on my own with the knowledge I got in esthetics school. It has worked in the past, but I am under so much stress that my hormones are a bit whacked. So yeah, a medical intervention was needed.

Getting into the University hospital is ridiculous. It is all tore up from da floor up, but it is a confusing layout anyway. After getting more directions from a student, I finally found the office. I seriously don't understand why doctors have you make appointments, they should start calling them approximations because they are never even close to being on time. She finally came in and was very nice. I was completely honest and told her how much this was affecting my self-esteem and how stressful my life is and whatnot, which is kinda hard for me to do. I was taught to be tough, to never talk about myself or my situation or how I truly feel about things. Nice eh? I am getting over that quickly.

The dermatologist asked me how aggressive I want to be, aaaa... Urijah Faber aggressive please! So I got three, count them three medications to try! Woo-to-the-Hoo!!! I am on spironolactone which is a hormone that inhibits androgens that can be released during times of stress. Also it is a drug that is used in hormone therapy for male-to-female transsexuals. Yeah, this is weird but what the hell. Side effect for females can be bigger breast (I am already busting outta my B's, I don't know what the deal is with that, but it is a welcome change), and I might have to shave less often (I AM a hairy monkey). Okay, yes, I can totally deal with that. Second, I am on an antibiotic. It is different than the one that caused my psuedo tumor cerebri, , so hopefully I won't have any more brain fluid issues. Geh geez I have a weird body. Lastly, I got Differen gel. It is a topical vitamin A which is cool because it will also help with the fine line issue I have on my forehead and around my eyes. I have been using anti-aging stuff on my face since I was 23 so I am pretty proud with the way my face looks on that front.

This is the beginning. Grabbed all my stuff last night before I came home, downed all the pills and rubbed all the goop on my face. Ahhhh work, damn it work! I am going back in 3 months to see if any of this madness has helped. In the mean time, I might try a laser resurfacing or a peel. Not only is is good blog material, I am serious about getting rid of this pubescent nonsense that my face continues to exude. I am done with wearing so much make-up. That is the trouble with being a make-up artist. I can hide a lot of flaws, but I hate wearing foundation. HATE IT! I want a naked face like I had when I was a kid. I didn't have acne until I was an adult. How much does that suck?!?! Anyway, all of this is going to be done with soon enough, the stress, the acne, the make-up, the lameness. OVER IT! I am moving on and taking charge of my health both mentally and physically. I will post updates, but no pictures until my skin is porcelain pristine. Well, it might never be that...so when it is better. That is what I am hoping for, for it all to get better. Fingers crossed.

Denver G. Olmstead, Happy Birthday!

2009-06-14T00:00:00.000-07:00

I got an message in my facebook over a month or so ago from Denver, asking for memories from friends for her 30th birthday. I was so happy when I got this, but also scared. I have been thinking about what I would write ever since, there is so much that it is really hard to narrow it down. With the help of Josh, decided to quit being a wuss and post it. So there. Thanks Josh.

I met her when we were 14. She came into the 9th grade from Logan. I remember starring at her in chorus. I memorized everything about her. She was wearing a navy blue Waterfront t-shirt, (I thought I knew everyone in the world that knew that band), her jeans were cut off on the bottom because she was so tiny, self-made Fimo beaded necklaces and a hair wrap. Her hair was really long then and she parted it in the middle. I even remember how she sat there with her Doc Martin boot crossed on top of her knee. My friend Laurel introduced us and that was it...Together everyday there after. I loved her.

We had so much in common and it started mostly with music. We even had an imaginary rock band called Suck Box. We each gave ourselves nicknames and I wrote ridiculous poems about us. She was always so encouraging of me and my writing. We planned shows for The Red Bennies, Catfish, The Numbs, Grain, gah...I can't remember all of the bands, the shows rocked the armory and a local theater in Vernal. Big hits with the kids all of them. It was so fun. Although after one of those show it was particularly stressful for Denver and I am ashamed to say, that I gave Denver her first cigarette at age 16. I clearly remember her getting extremely sweaty and flushed and then vomiting next to my car. Eeek, so sorry about that one. Denver was such a good influence on me and I was such a bad influence on her.

We both got way into photography together and took pictures of ourselves posing all over her house on Christmas day after she got her first camera and dark room kit. I still have all of them. We were terribly cute and terribly late 90s, big jeans, thrift store jackets, and big ass t-shirts. I will scan them soon so you can all see how adorable we were. We were in plays together and went to Lagoon a bunch times. When we went in the 9th grade, Denver got a Playboy bunny painted on her face and I got a fake tattoo on my chest. We died our friend Julia's hair hot pink. Separate hairstyling occasion I cut our friend Emily's hair in Denver's bedroom. It was sort of a disaster. We would just BE together a lot....talking, listening to music, burning incense to this day I can not smell Nag Champa without thinking of her. As an adult I rarely do that outside of being with my kids, I wish it was easier for adults to not have to be DOing something and to just BE.

I spent so much time with Denver and her family and I am so grateful for it. I would sleep over there a lot. We would spend hours playing with the Ouija board or putting another hair wrap in my unbelievably long hair. Denver comes from a very welcoming family. Her mom is the sweetest lady and damn can she cook. The best crepes I have ever had, seriously ever! Her dad is so nice and even when I would go over there and she was still at swim practice, he would invite me in to wait and he would chat with me the whole time. Shannon was away at school, but when she would come to Vernal she was so cool to us. And then there was Waterfront the black lab, loving big old doggy.

I picked her up for school sometimes. She was not a morning person and it was such a hassle getting her up and out the door. She was one of the only Juniors I knew that would come to school with a mug of coffee. I would drive her home before she had her car. I remember once when I was leaving the parking lot we almost got hit on Denver's side by a car full of cheerleaders. I lost it, got out of the car, spit a lugee on the windshield and screamed something to the effect of, "Watch what the fuck you are doing! You almost hit my car and could have killed my best fucking friend!" That is love right there and also me being a bitchy bad influence.

Denver stuck by me through a lot of crazy and horrible stuff. I really wasn't mature enough at the time to know what that meant. We stopped hanging out near the end of our Senior year, but we still walked the line together at graduation. That would have been the perfect opportunity for me to stop being obstinate and let whatever was causing us friction die. Unfortunately that didn't happen, I was unaware of what a good friend I had in Denver. I have yet to find another girl that could match the love and loyalty I got from her. I took her for granted and have regretted it ever since. I missed out on so much of her life these past 12 years. Even now we hover around each other in the same social groups and have yet to reconnect. Life, I guess.

Denver Graziani Olmstead is brilliant, sweet, loving, funny, and has a great sense of taste. I miss her so very much as my best friend, but I am so thankful for the time she was in my life. I am so happy to see all of her success and wish her so much more. She is so special and beautiful that only good can come to her. Thank you Denver for being my friend and for teaching me so much about myself. I will always love you and wish you the greatest joys for the next 30 years and beyond.

Prose of 3

2009-04-29T23:59:00.000-07:00

Recently Rabbit girl got a Caesar pulled on her by three would be Bruti (yes, I know, you define the plural for Brutus, eh?) Some might say that the little Rabbit did deserve it, as she was stretching out her limbs to tickle the tail of life still swishing under her door. But the three did not stop with the stabbing, no, they left that body alive to see...and now you are here to hear the gaping breathes that still breathes of this story. (suck in hard, gurgle, cough, bleed) And it goes a little something like this....

1) Hid hurt heroically. Held in 1's horror at the happenings so well, Rabbit didn't skip a beat. She skipped to that beat. Until that beat did stopped and her little feet dropped back down down down on the earth to see the quake and shake she did repeat. "Oh sigh, where have I been?" Little paw to mouth as her mind did think. Reckless, thoughtless, violent and mean she was. Mean. Back to 1's hand she tried to be, run to 1 naked, clean and free. Try Rabbit, really try. Gone, and 1's hurt not hiding, but gleaming in 1's eyes to repeat, to re-punish, to rub in the burn that lay on Rabbit's arm. Unbearable the hurt was so strong in 1's eyes that it wrapped around 1's head and pulled it down into the bottle where 1's heart had been returned. (Rabbit put it back there weeks ago.) She drank the pills and fell asleep and when she woke, her dream was real and 1 was off and running straight into the insane. Rabbit let go of 1's hand and cut her tangles of hair from the ankle and....off like a bandage on a bloody wrist.

2) Coiled planned and planted bombs in 2's head. Remembered everything Rabbit and 1 had said. A love story copy, just a copy, and terribly sloppy. Rabbit doesn't drink really and hates it when she swears and always wears clean underwear. Tisk, tisk...some things were not paid attention and 2 was there to drop 1's other shoe. A yes, and then another, so tired and sad the tube fell out of 2's mouth and 2 began to sink. Sink and crush under the pressure that it takes to be someone your not, to walk around with someone else's talk. Pressure and fire began to split 2's seams and all that was left well.....it was all wasted dreams. Swarms of bees began to buzz around 1's head, costumed as sleep, food, and rest. A yes too many and not the right voice, the mask fell off after 1 made the choice. "Poisoned and precious, sweetly and viciously yours, follow the fishes into the desert they will bring you home...." Ah the Rabbit voice heard deep in that sleep and singing a lyric from way back when...London. The true spiral burn the slow deep began to throb and poorly planted crops were reaped. There were weakened husks and shriveled pods from the lack of care...1, sadly was not all there. 2 has gone back to play pretend, but you and Rabbit know what will get 2 in the end. Lovely Karma dresses all in black at times and sings a song of sorrow that has a sharp discord and doesn't rhyme. 2 will continue to play dress up in someone else's clothes as Rabbit clicks, clacks on as she digs her latest prose.

3) Loving lied to Rabbit. Opened Rabbit's hand and put the word "sister" in it. 3 began so slowly a decent into the great dark open water made of four little letters that swirl and grab and pull and consume and continue and repeat and repeat and repeat...L. I. A. R. The open water eventually filled 3's lungs so all that was exhaled was L. I. A. R. Before Rabbit could see all that 3 could only breathe L. I. A. R, 3 and Rabbit opened psychic circles, widened channels and danced to songs sent by the universe. Twisted smoke around their fingers and gathered wood for the witch burning. Under eyes of black 3 held a secret, held a lie...and then the worst part 3 tried to justify. Which is never good, not to Rabbit oh no, oh my my. Curious thing Rabbit can be, the mind of a lawyer she can fully see. Someone can try to hide behind a logic knitted quick and loose then Rabbit comes to cut that yarn and tie it right into a noose. One will drip and hang by their own words and deep demise. Rabbit's scissors are particularly sharp for cutting rambling logic down to size. Rabbit understand that secrets cannot hide, they come to her, float up and out of mouths, like a feather from a pillow, impossible to put back without releasing another. 3 has a ring around a finger to remind 3 of a time when a soul was given and yet....3 touched, 3 got burned, and 3 lied. Rabbit doesn't feel she has gone cold and numb on this subject of 3, for she knew in her deep tiny heart she and 3 was never really meant to be.

So there is another bloody dress to rise from, Rabbit's Ghost of Friendships Future flutters over the body it called home. That body chokes and sputters all the blood and tears in the world as it's ghost repents and gives of itself to the earth and home. Rabbit's ghost looks like the dust in the air on a Sunday when the light is just right through the blinds. Golden, fuzzy and there waiting for a new host like any respectable ghost. It will wait, it will find, it will seek and Rabbit will begin a new...after all what else does the tiny thing have to do?

The Lady Lump...

2009-04-14T11:03:00.001-07:00

Nearly three months ago I found a lump in my left breast. I waited a month to see if it would change or go away, and no change and it didn't. Waited another month, it hurt and concerned me so I called my doctor. I went in to see her after waiting weeks to get an appointment. She was pretty sketched out about it, so she sent me to St. Mark's for an ultrasound.

I don't know if many of you know how much distain I have for ultrasound techs. I do, a lot of it, distain. Not all techs, but mostly the ones I have come in contact with. Some think they are doctors and they try to tell you what their opinion is while you are in a very vulnerable state. Again this was the case with this particular tech. She was very condescending, and didn't want to bother the Radiologist with my results. He wasn't that interested in giving them to me either. I had to wait and wait and wait, because my doctor was once again out of town.

She called and said that yes, there is something there but it was small and just looked like dense weird tissue. She thought I needed to see a breast surgeon to get a second opinion on it. That is what I did today. The receptionist at the surgeon's office was very nice. She called me Sweety and complimented me on my cute ass kids, of course. Joaquin was full on Harry Potter today, complete with English accent. Dr. Naylor came in and examined me. He was also very nice and very knowledgeable. He said that he definitely felt it and had some concerns but was calm about it. He gave me two options, one to have surgery and just take it out, or two to wait three months and see if it changes.

In the months since I have discovered it, it hasn't changed. So...I have decided to wait the three months and see. I couldn't bare to have surgery right now with everything that is going on in my life. The fact that it hurts is a good thing. If it is still there in three months I might just get it removed anyway. I am taking vitamin E and have lowered my caffeine intake, so I will see if that helps it disappear. I am glad that Dr. Naylor was calm about it. I know that it would be extremely hard for me to fight a serious disease like cancer at this particular point in time. Usually my personality is far to feisty to be taken down by a stupid lump, maybe in three months I can take charge of it. Now I need to let it ease away and do my best to take care of myself gently. So...if you find it in your heart to think of me, think of my little lady lump and tell it to just fuck right off, because really, do I need this right now? No, I don't.

The Wheelchair

2009-04-13T12:18:00.000-07:00

Last week we went to Shriner's to have Elodie's wheelchair evaluation. It was sweet. The tech put Elodie up in this giant measuring chair. She was measured head to toe. It was like she was getting fitted for a fancy suit. They stretched out her legs and arms and measured how wide she is. So funny. She was pretty stressed about it, being in that big ol weird chair. She was saying, "Mommy, mom, help," the whole time and doing the "gimme, gimme hand." Those are so hard to resist, but she had to stay put. The wheelchair is going to be tiny, twenty-two inch wheels. It will be small enough that she can learn to get in and out of it. It is teal, we are into teal lately and the kind of frame she needs didn't come in pink. I am glad about that. She has far too much pink.

I am happy about her getting a wheelchair and more independence, but there is a part of me that still can't believe it. My little girl is going to be in a wheelchair for God knows how long. She can move her legs more, and she is getting better at standing on her own, but the nerve impulses to walk aren't there yet, and might never be. It does make my heart ache. No one ever expects a tumor to grow in their baby and cause that baby's legs not to move. At times I blame myself for this happening. I think about my pregnancy and how stressed it was. My grandparents died, my mother went insane, I was still in an ugly custody battle with my ex, I had a small baby Joaquin to care for and I had panic attacks from all the stress. I felt so alone and just tried so hard to keep it together. Camden tried his best to deal with me, but he worked all the time. I remember reading that in Japanese culture the mother has to be protected from all negativity while she is pregnant, or health problems will come to the baby. That small story has echoed in my head. I know, I know, it isn't my fault, but it is so hard as a mother to not want to take on all the responsibility. All I want in life is to care for my children and do the best by them that I can, I feel like I failed Elodie when I was pregnant. I feel I should take some blame because I didn't take care of myself while I was pregnant with her. I took on too much. I still feel like I take on too much, but that is sort of a necessity. There is no one else that can do what I do, so I do it....and I do really love it. A mommy life is hard but ridiculously rewarding. No amount of money comes close to the feeling I get when my kids want one more hug and say I love you with their smiley little faces.

Everyday is interesting and full of dainty evolution. Elodie and I are coming closer and closer to being stronger. She has a lot of special talents. She is pulling up on her knees, big and tall. She speaks so well. She dances (on her bum and knees) and sings, I will teach her to harmonize. She loves everything so much. She hugs hard and kisses hard and bites HARD. Elodie has old eyes and can see right through to the very heart of people. She is going to be such a powerful force in mine and other peoples' lives....and now she is going to do it on wheels!

Elodie is a Badass!

2009-02-23T13:22:00.000-08:00

Just got back from the latest Elodie check up with her Shriner's doctor. Other than it taking absolutely forever (nearly two hours!!!) it went great. What was not great, was hanging out in a tiny room with two very sleepy, very hungry, pre-schoolers trying to see who could whine/cry the loudest to Mom. Joaquin won of course. I wonder how many years have been taken off my life by just sitting in tiny waiting rooms with whining crying pre-schoolers. Where is the data on that one RealAge.com? I am guessing, four at least!

The orthopedist said that we are doing everything we should to keep her growing strong. We are to continue with physical therapy, get the wheel chair and walker and then wait and see. Also she wants me to continue with her massage so that her feet don't turn in and contract. Without that they could be like the wicked witch's in The Wizard of Oz when Dorothy takes the ruby slippers off. Not good. We have to be careful that she doesn't get injured on her legs, she could have a sprain or cut and not know it. We just have to be aware and not to let her get too crazy when she is playing.

Elodie also saw a neurologist to discuss what kind of sensation she has in her feet and legs. She examined her reflexes and said that there is actually quite a bit of response, so her decreased sensation might not be as bad as we first thought. She was also very hopeful about us being able to potty train Elodie in a regular way. Some kids that are paralyzed can't feel down there when they have to go, so they have to be catheterized and use enemas and whatnot. Ugh. But Elodie has periods of dryness and she has never been a constipated baby, so the out look on that is great. Phew.

The doctors today were very hopeful about Elodie someday learning how to walk. She will need assistance, but they even think that she won't always need assistance. Woo-Hoo! I would trust these doctors over anyone else. They see kids similar and more severe to Elodie day in and day out and can spot the ones that really want to move and groove. Elodie is for sure one of those. She has been getting into so much trouble lately. She has been acting like a two year, a regular bitch ass two year old. It is awesome! Just love her to pieces and I am so happy that she is developing and growing up. It may not be the "normal" way or always an upright standing-walking sort of way, but it is her own and she is rocking it! Who cares what "normal" is anyway when you are that freaking adorable? If I do say so myself...my kid is cute.

Some Things Stay the Same...

2009-02-12T10:36:00.000-08:00

"I'll need you to write the patient's full name here," the receptionist said as I wrote down Elodie's enormous name. "Oh Elodie, that is such an adorable name."

"Thank you." I said, followed by my daughter's sincerely little parroting of my words, "Danku!" She is terribly polite and she cracked the receptionist up. I can't help but brag about her, she is awesome.

We didn't have to wait very long before the nurse came to take us back to the MRI waiting rooms. Elodie's nurse was named Christy and she instantly remembered her from last time. While waiting I got some very sweet text messages from friends encouraging positive thoughts and energy. It was very appreciated, because this time I was not being very brave. My heart felt so heavy and my mind was so distant from all the unknown possibilities. The nurse practitioner came in to hear the history...on and on and on I went. I have told this story so many times it doesn't feel like it really happened to us. It feels as if it was a movie I saw, or a story I read. That is good I guess, to keep it far from me in times such as this. It helps to not collapse into tears.

Elodie's hands and feet were really cold. The nurses took four tries to get an IV in her. FOUR!!! They finally got one in her foot, and it was sad. She really didn't flinch too much, she said ouch, but that is about it. It really made me realize she just can't feel very much in her feet. There is feeling, but it is slight.

We were then shuffled over to the MRI room. Elodie and I had to sit in a chair outside the door when she was getting sedated. I have metal in my body, so I can't be by the giant magnet. I held her in my lap as the nurse gave her the medicine to put her to sleep. She fought it pretty hard for a second. Her head rolled back over my arm, her little eyes met mine and she kissed toward me, a sleepy loud kiss. Tears fell heavy and hard from my eyes. Elodie is the sweetest little girl. She loves to love and cuddle, it is the best thing ever. I handed my baby to the nurse and kissed her good-bye and in my head told the tumor to fuck off and quit making me cry. I watched on the monitor as the nurse laid Elodie on that big machine. It was hard to breathe. I went down to the cafeteria to force feed myself breakfast. I had no appetite, even less than usual. The breakfast was actually really good. French toast and bacon. Bacon is the miracle food, you can't cry when you are eating bacon. Seriously, you can't.

I went back to the recovery area and waited for my baby. I sat there for another twenty minutes or so getting more lovely text from friends. Ah technology, I love it. When the tech brought her out it was like slow motion. She looked so tiny in his arms and felt so lovely and warm when he sat her on my lap. It didn't take long before she was awake and demanding juice and crackers. This time at least, she can tell me more of what she needs. Her speech is really good. Elodie was all finished with her post vitals and we were able to leave. She charmed the whole staff again before we left. In her drugged state she was blowing kisses, saying thank you and good-bye. She is ridiculously sweet.

The next day we headed back to Primary Children's for her results. I felt pretty okay about it. I got all my crying done the day before. When we went into the oncology office, they all remembered Elodie. "Oh it is that cute curly headed girl, look how big she is!" That is so cool. They see tons of people going in and out of there and we were lucky enough to only been there a few times in the fall. Some kids are there every week being pumped full of cancer killing chemicals. Sigh.

Turns out the tumor has stayed the same size. Not growing or dying anymore. Stagnant. So that is really good. The spinal atrophy that the tumor caused is still there. It looks like a little dent on the scan. What that means is that she still has the nerve weakness that is causing her legs to not move very much or have much sensation. The doctors do agree that she has had mad improvement. There is no surgery or anything else we can do, so far, to improve her skills. We just have to keep on keeping on and hope that she gets more movement and sensation. She will probably need a lot of assistance for a few years. Wheelchair, braces, or crutches to help her walk and get around. I don't know why, I mean I knew all of this, but when Dr. Fluchel said it, it once again broke my heart.

I don't really think about how Elodie can't stand or walk until I am confronted with it. I will see a baby about her age cruising around the store or wherever and remember that she can't. My heart does sink, I am only human. I do morn that she probably won't be in dance when she is four or be able to ride a bike. I do love her just the way she is and will in no way put any pressure on her to do what she isn't ready for just yet. She will be just fine and so will I. This is her challenge and she is facing it head on. I love seeing her in therapy. She gets so fired up to move and she is doing so well. There has been great improvement and I know she is just going to get better. I focus on the progress and not on what she can't do. She is amazing and so sweet and smart. I can't take that girl anywhere without her getting compliments on how cute she is. It is rad hanging out with her.

She has an appointment with the orthopedist on the 23rd, so we will see what she thinks about Elodie's progress and if there is something more we can be doing. I am so thankful we got hooked up with them. It is the best place for her to grow and develop under their very experienced and watchful eye. So we are still in the holding pattern, doing our thing and being cute. I will blog about the 23rd visit and with hope and love everything will be a-okay! Elodie is a fighter, a fluffy panda with hidden powers of fierceness! I am so glad she is that way, she helps me stay positive.

Elodie Evolution Evalution at the CDC...

2009-01-21T12:37:00.000-08:00

She did grrrreat! Tony the freaking Tiger couldn't have said it better. My Elodie was in a cheerful mood and showed Dr. Winter and Scott, the physical therapist at the Child Development Clinic, all her tricks. She did sorta started to loose it in the end, but hey, they always do at doctor appointments.

So the plan is...We are going to stay on track with the physical therapy at DDI and Shriner's. Scott also suggested we think about getting her a wheel chair to use as a tool for exploration. Elodie probably wouldn't use it all the time if we did get her one, just when we where out. She could really move and explore with other kids. We will cross that bridge when we come to it though. I plan on asking Mark, her Shriner's PT when we go there on Friday what he thinks. Apparently, kids younger than Elodie learn to navigate in a chair just fine and she would still be gaining strength through therapy and being down on the floor crawling around. So yeah...not a bad assessment. She is also going to have another MRI in February to make sure that the tumor is going away (yeah!), or staying stagnant (meh), or if it is growing (God forbid). Those two days are going to be tough for me, find me and hug me tight. I have already prescribed myself deep breaths and yoga.

My day was totally made when Dr. Winter, a very excellent doctor and just all around cool person, said that I was smart and a good mom. GAH! That so rocks! She said I was so calm, level headed and easy to talk to. That made me feel like the cat's pajamas. I respect this woman so greatly. She was there through all of Elodie's tests, even though she didn't need to be, early on in the process her part was finished. She really helped me feel that she cared about us and that I was not alone in all of it. She was there and that can be rare for a doctor. It was a good appointment all around. And Camden came! So this time I really wasn't alone! We had lunch afterward and that was really nice. Joaquin was good and followed directions. It is rad when everyone is doing their thing and getting along. That makes me feel like, "Yeah, maybe I am doing a few things right, and maybe it is going to work out like I hope." Here to having really cool kids!

Step back in the Evolution, Step forward for Mom Kind...

2009-01-04T01:34:00.000-08:00

I just finished playing my show and I couldn't sleep or even calm down from what transpired there tonight. I had to write to get a sense of peace within me. Usually this wild energy is a good thing; more glasses are raised, hugs are given, happiness is abounding, but tonight was sorely not the case.

We rocked it! It was a great show. There were tons of people there, a lot of which I had been hoping to see for a long time. The crowd was into it and totally dancing and every thing. We finished and I get off stage to hug my Jennifer, and I hear that a girl was pointing out my stretch marks to people while I was tearing the roof off the dive. (I wore a black tank, with a sparkly silver cardigan over it, so while dancing my tank would creep up a bit to show my stretch marks like a half an inch at the most) "WHAT?!?" Was my first response and then, "Oh hell no..." came next.

I was possessed by such anger and disgust. There was no way in my mind I was going to let a person walk out of that bar thinking that they could totally down play everything I had just done on that stage, just because I carried and gave birth to three beautiful kids. I found the girl and promptly said, "Hey, heard you were pointing my stretch marks out to your friends while I was singing. Yeah, I have three {expletive} kids, and I have {expletive} stretch marks, and I {expletive} dare you, {expletive} dare you to do what I just did on the stage! So you better think about what you are saying the next time you want to comment on someone's body! {expletive} YOU! You {expletive, expletive} (The last word is one of my favorite swears of all time rarely used in the states, but it is probably considered the worst thing you can say to a girl ever! *blush* Censored version for my LDS mommy friends out there, it was said pretty loudly too) I reduced this twenty-two year old clueless girl to tears, which I feel TERRIBLE about! As a mom, I should be better and not fly off the handle like that, think of a better way to say it. I was filled with a rage for all moms and their struggles that I couldn't just let this roll off my duck back.

Then her friend comes up to me to try to explain her friend's stupidity...Saying that it was so cool that I would even get up there and play a show like that. The way she put this did not sit well with me at all. She called me insecure for being upset about it. I said how could an insecure person get on stage and do what I did. Doesn't make sense. This girl wouldn't lay off, she was totally setting herself up for a punch in the mouth. Ryan (best man ever) told her to get the {expletive} out or she was totally going to get messed up and she was two seconds away from hitting the floor and she totally was. She even had the gall to say that I wasn't open minded enough to here her side. BAHAHAHAHAHA! ME!

It wasn't about me though. People really can say what they want about me and the way I look. The thing that kills me with this mindset is, if you don't have kids or aren't close to someone who does, you have no idea and no right to comment on how it is to have children. When I heard that smack had been talked, I immediately felt that it was said about someone close to me and not really myself. Moms struggle so hard to weigh their personal lives against the care of and lives of their children. It is so hard for me to tuck my babies in and leave them with a sitter to go play a show. It is so hard for me to see my son get in his dad's car when it is time for him to go to his house for visitation. It is so hard to see your life and interests be split down the middle and then try to balance them with everything your kids are into.

To be a mother, adoptive or biological, you sacrifice EVERYTHING! You give up your body, time, sleep, food, drink, last bite of a cookie, you favorite stuffed animal, bed, pillow, intimacy, privacy, television time, and nearly every waking thought for your children. It is all done gladly and with a full heart of love. I am glad that I was ripped apart and sewn back together for my children, I wouldn't have it any other way. If I have a few scars, so be it. I created life! I know unconditional love. I am unconditional love from head to toe.

Mother's struggle with this crazy portrayed sense of what beauty is on a daily basis. So when I am out doing something that is completely for myself, but supported by my kids and family, it is incensing that someone could comment on how my body has been badly stretched out by those fantastically supportive people. I felt all the pain and insults that have been thrown at me over the years boil to the surface of my stretch marked skin and had to say a resounding FUCK YOU to all of those that are ignorant and themselves insecure. (Sorry not censored, because some times people need to hear what is coming to them)

My hope is that those girls will think before they try to speak on someone else's life and experiences before making assumptions and judgements. That someday they can know exactly how it feels to give your full self to a person and not expect anything in return, it is a beautiful thing. That they can understand it isn't about what it looks like, but how it feels. My hope is also that I never ever ever hear again, "Wow you look great for having three kids!" I look great because and feel great about myself and I work hard to have a healthy body, mind and soul, so that everyday I can get up and take care of those amazing kids.

All my Mommies, I love you and I stood up for us tonight. Without us, there would be no world. Let's teach people to not tear down what can create life. Start by teaching your babies what it is like to love like this and how wonderful it really is to be called MOM, no matter what you look like.

The Lonely Day of Gross...

2008-12-23T13:44:00.000-08:00

Better times have been had...

Camden forgot to change Elodie before he put her to bed last night. She leaked everywhere! It was literally from head to toe she was soaked. First bath of the day and first load of laundry was due to stinky baby skunk pee and Daddy.

Really I am as well to blame in the lonely day of gross. Next gross thing that happen... I was eating a no-bake oatmeal cookie and gave a tiny, tiny, tiny piece to Elodie. They have peanut butter in them and she is allergic. She has had a Reese pieces with no problem, so I thought maybe she had grown out of it. Her lips did get a little puffy and a bit red but that was it. I gave her some benadryl and thought maybe she is getting better. That was it, until I took my eyes off of her of course. Joaquin and I were in the kitchen and I hear a heavy thick cough. She threw up her entire breakfast in her lap, hit nothing else but herself. I quickly grabbed her to put her in the tub, as I did she turned her head and lost it all over the coffee table and rug. Actually that was a good thing, because if she would have turned the other way, she would have hit the Christmas tree. That would have been the end of Christmas for me all together. Second bath and second load of laundry was due to my stupidity and peanut butter puke.

Then they had a nap. Yeah! After cleaning up all of that I was in need of a break. I did get a little rest. I hid in my blankets and wished for a warm doggy to snuggle and tell my troubles to. No such luck with that coming true, before I knew it the disaster twins were awake and hungry. I go in their den of preschool evil to be hit in the face with the terrifying stench of dirty diaper. It was Joaquin! He hardly ever has accidents, he has been so good about going to the potty. I gave him a bit of that cookie as well. He is also allergic, but not as severe as Elodie. So that is how the rogue peanut butter decided to leave his tiny body and he couldn't wait to yell for me, poor thing. Gah. It was so explosive, so gross and so everywhere. Third bath I gave, third load of laundry due to again the stupidity of me.

Extremely challenging mommy day and like I said, mostly my fault. I just feel so lonely in all of it sometimes. I love being home with my kids. It is a really hard job to do. So the next time you see one of your SAHM friends, please give her a hug and a kiss. Take her out of the house in a cute outfit to a movie, dinner, drinks, or give her copious amounts of xanax or weed. Make her feel like a girl and not just the cleaner of bodily functions and mean babies. Believe me, she totally needs it, even though she caused it herself and she is totally stupid. Derp.

Josher's Brag Blog...

2008-12-12T08:22:00.000-08:00

I am still in shock to look over at every practice and show and see JOSH F-ING EMERY!!! (F-ing isn't really his middle name, it is Christopher, explicative used only for dramatic effect.) I have admired Josh since he was in Gerald Music and now he is in my band. I am so happy and lucky.

Josh is handy and prepared. He usually always has gum and when he doesn't he shows you the gum in his mouth, to indicate that it is his last piece. I don't know why, it cracks me up when people do that. Josh has terribly cute habits. He will open his beer and then twist the cap back on in between drinks, weird huh. I have never seen another person do this. He seeks out the walls and the corners of rooms. He likes to just sit back and watch the whole scene unfold before him, taking it all in and filing it away. Josh has the best laugh, much like Janet. It is always my goal to crack Josh up, so I can hear his laugh and see his great smile. Josh has let me use his chap stick without fear of my girl cooties. I think that is so intimate, sweet, and a true sign of friendship. Ask a friend to use their chap stick, if they wipe it off before or after you use it, they hate you. It is true.

He has great relationships with his family. It is so lovely how he can just go to his parents' house and relax. He loves his brother and sister so much and talks about them often. He has the most beautiful daughter. I have yet to meet her, but you can see in her photos that she is smart, vibrate and will figure you out completely. Her eyes are intense and gorgeous. Josh is such a good daddy to her. He radiates such love when he speaks of her, it is going to be cool to see him with her when she comes to visit for the holidays. We already have a playdate planned with Monro. Awesome.

Josh is the kind of friend that no matter what your plans are he is cool with it. You want to sit and watch a movie, Josh is down. You want to record kick ass music, Josh is so down. You just have to be the initiator and plan maker and he will be there. Josh is a very interesting person. He is so relaxed, but he is absolutely up for anything, including weirdo China Blue parties. He is down for hanging out until the wee hours of the morning with hardly a yawn. High energy people are the best, but you would never know he is like that. He needs a bit of warming up, not much, just a bit.

Josh and I have a lot in common. We have been through so many similar experiences. It is nice to have a friend around that knows where you are coming from. It has been such a short time that I have gotten to know him, but like everyone else in my band, I feel like I have always known him. He is familiar and comfortable to be around. He is so clever and witty. He cracks me up constantly. The other day he texted me in a movie, and I was trying to be all sly and read it under my coat. I get to the end of the message and it says, "PS-You really shouldn't be reading this in the movie theater." I lost it! I was trying so hard not to laugh, because of course it was a totally inappropriate moment in the movie to laugh. Ah, he is far too funny to handle.

He has a cool job. He prevents fraud and saves people from annoying hassles. He is a cyber super hero and it is very impressive. When he talks about work, I get the impression he is a really good boss. How could he not be, being as chill as he is? Josh is a geek like me. We love Harry Potter, Jim Henson, Star Wars, Pirates the works. It is forever nice to be in the presence of a geek. I don't feel shame when complaining about the sixth movie not being fucking released in November when it bloody well should have...ahem...I digress. Josh is the normal looking one in this picture.

Josh, I dig you. I tell you how great you are and I know you have no idea how to handle it and for that I am sorry. You, my little friend, are just going to have to come to grips with being a total BADASS. I am in awe of you all the time. I am always thrilled when we hang out and play shows together. You have really added so much to the music and it is crazy what a huge change it has made in our group dynamic. I have had my friends come up to me afterward and tell me how good and different the energy feels now. I attribute a lot of that to the addition of you. I am so happy and thankful to have you in my life now. You are so inspiring and I can't wait to make more music with you. Thank you for joining us and thank so so so so very much for being my friend.

Camden on The Colbert Report...

2008-12-03T12:17:00.000-08:00

This is one of the strangest television moments I have ever had. Camden wasn't feeling very well, so he decided to sleep upstairs. I was in our room, reading and listening to TV. I was buried in my book when from the TV I heard hysterical laughing. I looked up and see my husband's body with AL ROCKER'S head superimposed onto it. No kidding!!! I was freaking out, thinking, WTF?!? The weird thing is that I wasn't even paying attention to the television until that moment, it was just on for noise.

I came out here to the computer to check if it was really him. I played the clip over and over again. Yes, indeed I was right it is Camden! He did a photo shoot about three years ago with a well known photographer named Daniel Arsenault. He sells stock photos, so that is where they got ahold of my Camden. Hilarious. Here is the clip if you want to see it. His body is about two minutes and fifteen seconds into the clip. They gave Camden's body a tan, but that is his tattoo and my old pants and belt! Wah!

http://www.colbertnation.com/the-colbert-report-videos/211967/december-01-2008/war-in-afghanistan---khaled-hosseini

Enjoy!

Three Weekends of RADICALKNESS!!!

2008-11-30T16:36:00.000-08:00

So the past three weekends have been amazing! I have bonded with so many people. I have been flooded with the joy and beauty my friends bring to my world, I just had to share...

Three Weekends Ago...
We played the Fat Flake Festival. It was Josh's first show with us and it was really good, even though it was freezing. I am so glad they gave us a break to warm up. Brrr! Amanda and Cliff (or Chip as I have known him for over twenty years) came out to see it. It was so nice for them to travel all the way from Vernal to see me! I have never had a friend come out specifically to see a show before. I felt extremely special. We had great chats and drank tea, so fun. After the show everyone came over to my house for cake and ice cream. It was Ryan's birthday on that following Tuesday. He needed a little bit of Cavedoll love for his b-day. It was rad.

Two Weekends Ago...
The television died. Hooray!
Camden and I took the whole family to Body Worlds. It totally tripped me out. I was so giddy. I love anatomy and learning about the complexities of the body and mind. It is crazy how we are hunks of meat that are so diverse, so beautiful and so intricate. It is even more crazy that our emotions boil down to favorable or unfavorable chemical responses. (I am being extremely general of course.) But it was so cool. At the end of the tour people were given the opportunity to write a body secret anonymously that would hang on the window of the Leonardo for the duration of the exhibit. Some of them were extremely disturbing and other's were just hilarious. I wrote one too, but I will never, never tell what it was, never. Shhhh. It was so meaty rad.

Later that night I went over to Allison's and then from there we were going to the Urban to see Jeremy Enigk. Allison is so funny and she is so nice to laugh at all of my goofy stories, SHE has the best laugh, it kills me. It was really the first time she and I had hung out one on one for an extended period of time. Can you believe that? We couldn't either. We then met Josh at the Urban, he went there with Gerald Music kids. He was stuffed from dinner. He looked so cheerful and happy to be there. HE has the best smile, it totally kills me. We also met up with Gavin, blogger extraordinaire. He looked pleased and pleasant as usual. Oh the music was so perfect! It was so lovely to experience that with my friends, it was a real bonding experience for me. I felt instantly closer to them, and instantly like making music with them. Which we then did...Josh came over the next day and recorded guitar parts and Allison did her keyboard thing on a new song called "Vader." Everyone in the band thinks that this is their most favorite so far. It is/was sexy music rad!

This Weekend...
Well as you very well know, Thursday was Thanksgiving. I didn't have Monro this year, so we decided not to make a fuss on that day and do our family thing when he got home on Sunday (which we just did and it was nice, uh huh). Camden and I made tacos on Thursday and watched "Hancock." It was entertaining enough. Not usually my kind of movie, but it was funny. We recorded and recorded and recorded. On Friday we watched "Tropic Thunder," it was so weird, but so funny. It was completely over the top crazy, I felt insane just watching it. Anyway back to music... We have some pretty fun songs this time around, I am so excited to play the new ones. them.

Yesterday Allison came over after work and spiced up a few songs with her sugar. She is so talented and has a great ear. Josh came over again, bless him, after working out. He is such a trooper. He recorded more stuff that totally blew my mind. I love what he can do with that guitar, awesome. Then he and I went to Janet's to help her celebrate her birthday. After some convincing we went to a party at China Blue. Salt Lake parties of legend are held there, so I have been told since I have lived in this city. I had friends that went to their parties, but was never made it up myself. It was hilarious! I got pretty drunk. Drunker then when I was in Tulsa. Very few have seen me this "let loose," oh god it was fun. I totally needed it too. It is always good to let your mind go to see where you must follow it. I absolutely loved it. Janet and Josh were the best party mates and dance partners ever bitches eyeah! It was all too weird to completely describe, but I will try. There was a bunch of beautiful people there, all plumed and pretty. The walls were a covered in different murals every few feet and the air for a while was tinged with the smell of burnt cookies. A tree was almost set a blaze while someone was attempting to juggle with fire. Belly dancers moshed upstairs while Janet and I, once again, got the dance party started. We then went back to our spot in the front parlor, where it was mostly dark except for the spinning disco lights that happily danced over a cardboard cut out of our Lord Darth Vader, as he sported his blue metallic mullet wig and wrong color light saber (was I the only one that noticed his faux pas?). I felt very at home here. Janet, Josh and I chatted with every one that came through this funhouse. Everyone of them were gorgeous and entertaining. The party came to us. We WERE the party, as in the new Salt Lake legend that I am now trying to start. If you see a Cavedoll follow them, they know where the fun is. It was the most rad.

Ferociously HAPPY!!!

2008-11-19T12:19:00.000-08:00

Elodie got her braces today. Woo-Hoo!!! The go up to her thigh and have a locking hinge. (Don't you love that word? Hinge.) When she is standing the lock slides into place and the braces support her knees so she can stand. After her fitting, I put her down in the elevator and she stood up happily holding onto the rail. She giggled as she saw us going up and up and up! She got a walker to help her get around. She was so excited, she even took a few small steps. I was seriously loosing my mind when she did it! There were three other families in the therapy room and I was totally making a fool out of myself, clapping, cheering, even some jumping up and down. It is so echoey in there, the whole hospital probably heard me freaking out. Joaquin was helping too. He was right there with me saying, "Come on baby, walk!"

I took this picture with my camera phone, so that is why it is not that great. She really took to the braces and the walker. I am sure she will dig this walker more than the pony one, because in that one she can't move the wheels as well. She was exploring and curious which is exactly what we want her to be. She didn't fuss or anything. I am so proud of her and thankful for what movement she has. I love going to Shriner's because it really helps put things in perspective. Today there where a lot of older kids in the orthotic department, most of them with much more serious issues than Elodie. Those kids and their families are such an inspiration to me. If they can do it, so can we, this is how it is and I am grateful.

That reminded me an annoying experience at Elodie's 18 month check up last week. Her regular doctor wasn't available so we went to the physician assistant. It was a routine sort of visit, nothing serious to discuss. She pretty much just needed to be measured and needed her shots. But the PA, insisted on being an a-hole and talking about whether I had fears that Elodie was going to be in a wheelchair all her life and not get any dates in high school. Pfft... Can you believe that? I mean sure, it is a concern, but I don't think or focus on it. I was more fearful that she had cancer or something deadly than whether or not she was going to be serious make out material in high school. Lame. Wheelchair or not, she is my daughter and I love her just the way she is, and her good friends will too. She is super cute, so I know that dates won't be a hard thing for her to come by. I was so pissed but I was respectful to the a-hole. Gah, some people. But he was pretty old, so I know he grew up when they used to throw disabled kids in institutions and forgot about them. I know some people have a problem with kids that aren't totally perfect, but I sure as hell don't, mine or anyone else's. It was so lame that a medical professional could be so clueless. My mama lion almost came out and scratched his face off. I guess I need to get used to that sort of ignorance. I don't mind answering questions, it is just the assumptions that boil me up inside. My Elodie is probably the smartest, most well adjusted kid I know, and I know that nothing is going to knock her down. Except maybe if she doesn't have her braces on and her brother pushes her over, then she will fall down. We must get used to that as well.

Positivity NEEDED for a Friend...

2008-10-30T09:58:00.000-07:00

My friend Melissa is in the process of making her foster daughter Emma a permanent member of her family. She was in court yesterday for Emma's biological mom's hearing. She said the judge didn't make his decision yet, and requested that people put Emma and the judge, Judge James Michie, in your prayers and prayer list at churches and temples to make the right decision and put Emma in Melissa's home permanently.

I have known Melissa for over 20 years and know that she is the right person for Emma. She is so loving, caring, and nurturing. Her mommy blog is so cute, she devotes so much to her two children. Melissa's home is Emma's best chance at a happy home life. Please send her good vibes and pray if you do for her family and the judge. It is so hard to be in the state of limbo when it comes to your baby. Please help me with this one! We LOVE YOU Emma!!!

Shameless Bragging...

2008-10-29T09:33:00.000-07:00

My Joaquin is so funny. Reading bedtime stories to him has to be a whole production. He prefers wild actions and that I sing the book instead of just read it. He even counts me in "...1...2...1, 2, 3, go!" Last night I was reading/singing/shouting a book about a rooster, it had a bunch of other animals in it.
I pointed to the frog and ask Joaquin, "Quiner [KEY-ner] what is that?"
He looked at me really worried, and said "Isa book, mom."
"No, look what is this?" Tapping on the picture of the frog.
Hand on my arm, "Mom, isa book," he ran over to his other books and picked one up and said "See, book!"
"Oh okay, sorry I forgot what it was called."
He said, "Sats okay Mom!" and counted me back in "...1...2..1,2,3 go!"

The New Cavedoll...

2008-10-25T16:25:00.000-07:00

So I haven't talked about Cavedoll for awhile. There has been a lot going on, but I haven't put it all down. The election usually takes up most of my time on the computer lately, gah. Too much research, I will be so glad when it is over 10 days, mofo! Go Obama Go! Okay enough of that....

After Elodie's lump phase, I felt like my priorities needed to be hard core focused on my family. I felt that being in Cavedoll was a big distraction at the time and it wasn't giving me much pleasure. So I quit. I quit all the time, really. I am like Brett from "Flight of the Conchords," (if you haven't seen that show, then you haven't really lived.) I get frustrated and think that the band is pulling Camden and me apart rather than pushing us closer together and sometime it is. If you haven't noticed, he is always creating music at times he gets lost in it all. I felt that was happening again when Elodie was having surgery and such. He was expressing his emotions through the magic of song, and I was crying my eyes out. It was a lonely time. With much love, understanding, and peer pressure mostly from Camden, I didn't quit after all. It is all self-created drama. I try not to do that, but sometimes I just get so freaking pissed I can't help it! We took a break and now I am feeling better about it. So that is my deal.

Allison cut the hell out of her hand...twice! She cut her thumb with a knife pretty badly one day. Then she cut the part between her pointer finger and her thumb soon after that with a broken glass. That cut was the kicker, it was so deep and awful she had to get stitches. She hasn't been able to play for awhile. I saw it today, it is healed, but it didn't really look like the stitches took. Its healed inside, but she still has a gash. It is quite the scar. She played today and said that it was fine. JanetMarie thinks it was some sort of glass karma, because Allison threw a bottle at a wall one night. Whatever the reason we think it sucks, and it has so hard to see her all bandaged up. We are glad the glasses have stopped taking their revenge.

JanetMarie has been particularly busy. She has had her house completely gutted and remodeled. It is amazing! She got all new appliances, floors, paint, a bathtub (finally!), and two bedrooms. It is not quite finished, but it is so close. It looks beautiful. We are so happy for her and Rick. They totally deserve it. Ryan also built a new deck for them and it looks great. We can't wait to party it up in there and put in some good vibes.

As for Ryan, I have no idea what he has been up to lately, other than he went to the B.A.S.H with JanetMarie and built her pretty deck. I haven't talked to him much because I usually talk in texts and he no longer has texting on his phone. I text Allison and JanetMarie a lot. I miss that so very much with Ryan. Ryan is the funniest texter. He is such a smart ass. (said like Mike Myers' Scottish accent.) I know he has voted and someone stole his cooler, so he had to use a little pink lunch sack to tote his beer and testicles over for the last practice. BAHAHAHAHA! I am hilarious! Ryan is the best. He is the most excellent friend and a great dad. I love having him around.

Finally onto the NEW CAVEDOLL! Josh, TA-DAH! Camden has found another guitar player. Someone he has been wishing for ever since his music put on the current Cavedoll persona. We knew Josh way back in the day when he played for Gerald Music and Hello Amsterdam. He is really nice, quite, but you can see there is definitly some feist there. He is exceptional at learning quickly. Camden has been emailing songs to him and he has got them down. He added some nice new flava to "45 Minute Dance Party" the other day. It is super sweet, you can hear it on our myspace. His guitar is cool and clean sounding and is a good contrast against Camden's. We are thinking about getting rid of the backing track because it is now so full and lush with Josh. He has really brought new life to our songs. He adds soooo much. We are all very excited to write new stuff with him as well. Today we made it somewhat official by posing all together with other local bands for the cover of Live and Local Vol. 5. Woo-Hoo! We are now six of one, half dozen of the other. The same. Our next show is November 15th at the Gallivan Center with Josh in tow and I will try not to quit before then. I will try really hard.

My DNA...

2008-10-21T10:40:00.001-07:00

Ramanda posted this on her blog it is so cool. What do you think, think it matches me?

The OCD Gardeners!

2008-10-14T12:23:00.000-07:00

People always come up to the house and want to trim our trees or cut our lawn or sell us something. I NEVER answer the door when I am home alone with the children and don't expect anyone. If I know you, yeah I will answer, but strangers, no. NEVER! It isn't because I live in a bad neighborhood, it is because I don't need to or want to, that is my right as the owner of this house. Maybe I am paranoid, but I am a momma lion after all. I keep my cubs in close.

About two weeks ago I had this strange issue with some "gardeners." These guys were going around the neighborhood ringing bells asking for work. They came to our house THREE times in ONE day!!! Isn't this insane? I know they knew I was home, the first time. Joaquin was running around screaming and we were dancing to loud music. I looked out the peep hole, saw people I didn't know, so continued dancing with my kids. I thought done and done, when they went away. But they came back about two hours later while the babies were sleeping, and again I didn't answer. They rang the bell like little kids do, like over and over again really fast. I was texting Camden while all this was going on and he couldn't believe it. Then the same guys came back when he got home a few hours later. He told them to stop ringing the bell like that and to not come around anymore, we simply weren't interested. The guy actually looked hurt, as if Camden was at his house harassing him. They left and said sorry for bothering us. Again, I thought that was that....

They came again today! The babes are sleeping and the house is completely quite. Go the F away! I wanted to write about this to see if I am the one that is crazy or are they? This all seems a little bizarre to me, if someone doesn't answer the door, and tells you they aren't interested, wouldn't you just leave them alone? It is freaking me out a little. I need a "No Solicitation" sign for all my doors. Does anyone out there not answer the door when they don't want to or I am just ridiculously rude? I just want to be cautious, or am I being too cautious? Ummm....Thoughts anyone?

Tagged...One word

2008-10-08T09:18:00.000-07:00

Here are the rules: I have to answer the following questions with one word answers and one word only! Then I must pass it on to seven others.

The questions are as follows:
1. Where is your cell phone? Pocket
2. Where is your significant other? Work
3. Your hair color? Brown
4. Your mother? Sad
5. Your father? Far
6. Your favorite thing? Yarn
7. Your dream last night? Standing (guess who was standing ; ) )
8. Your dream/goal? Happiness
9. The room you're in? Toys
10. Your hobby? Creating
11. Your fear? Loneliness
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Stable
13. Where were you last night? Home
14. What you're not? Grumpy
15. One of your wish-list items? Books
16. Where you grew up? Vernal
17. The last thing you did? Gave
18. What are you wearing? Comfy
19. Your TV? Old
20. Your pet? Cats
21. Your computer? Mac
22. Your mood? Fine
23. Missing someone? Amanda
24. Your car? Dirty
25. Something you're not wearing? Hat
26. Favorite store? Yarn (derp)
27. Your summer? Busy
28. Love someone? Several
29. Your favorite color? Greens
30. When is the last time you laughed? Morning
31. Last time you cried? Saturday (but it wasn't sad)

Since I don't have seven followers and only six, you know who you are....Tag You are it!

Go yearbook yourself...

2008-10-05T21:32:00.000-07:00

Everyone is in bed so I am reading blogs and my friend Mandy had this on her blog. (www.yearbookyourself.com) It is so funny I had to do one. I have been seeing these around on myspace and such, but had no idea what it was until Mandy's blog.

Here is my first attempt Knessa 1994.

It is a bit scary 'cause it looks too real. In 1994 I had long curly hair that I rarely raked through. I parted in the middle and let it go wild. At least in the fake photo I look like I made an effort for my classy yearbook pic. Ugh weird.

Here is the Master Piece Knessa 1964!

Bahahahahaha! I laughed so hard when this popped up! Awesome. I probably would have been this geeky in 1964. You can adjust the photo to make the eyes fit in the glasses, but as you can see I choose not to! Bahahahahahaha! I love this one and the glasses, I think this should be my new press photo. What do ya think?!?

If you make your own, tell me I want to see!

My Lil' Pony Walker...

2008-10-03T08:49:00.000-07:00

Elodie had her first physical therapy appointment at Shriner's on Wednesday. Her therapist is named Mark and he looks similar to my high school friend Jay Haslem. I liked him, Elodie did too. He has a different therapy philosophy than the other therapist we work with and I dig that. Good to try things for Elodie from all angles.

All brains work differently, of course. He thinks it is better to see how Elodie is going to move and go from there, rather then try to teach her a way to move that might not be efficient for her brain. Mark thinks that it is more important for children to adapt their skills to their skill level so tasks can be completed. He thinks that trying to teach a child to move traditionally might not work all the time. Mark also thinks that Elodie's army crawl is fine and he doesn't want to focus on making her crawl traditionally. She has shown that she can get around just fine to explore and get in trouble. He wants to strengthen her legs and abs more to get her to stand.

Introducing the Pony walker! Pictured above, Elodie can stand in it! She is completely supported and her little feet touch the ground. It is designed so that she can push off the ground with her feet and roll along. She has pushed of hard once during her appointment, but now she is sort of pushing a little bit, like little twitches. It is amazing! I am watching her in it now. She is standing, doing her little pushes, and watching "Finding Nemo" with her brother. My eyes are glossy with tears. We are just borrowing the Pony Walker for a little bit to see if it helps her. I think the little pushes are going to help her get strength in her bum and thighs. Also I sit behind her and cue her legs by moving them in a walking motion and make a noise so she can connect the two, it sounds like "Pashooo!" Hopefully we can keep it for longer and maybe she will take her first steps in it! Just to see her moving her legs at all is so exciting. She is so tall when she stands, it is the cutest thing in the world. Mark said that once she gets her AFOs she will have an easier time pushing with her floppy little feet. They will help keep her joints ridged.

I am so happy that she likes it. I was scared it would freak her out, but I am really learning that this girl loves to try new things. She plunges into stuff with all the confidence of a much older kid. Elodie has a "can do" attitude. It makes me so proud. I hope she keeps that forever. I think she gets it from her daddy. She works so hard at everything she does and I just have to teach her something once and she's got it. I will do my best to encourage her sense of adventure and feist, having two rambunctious older brothers will help too, I'm sure. I yelled at Joaquin a little while ago to get his foot off her head, and she bit him. I think she will be just fine.

PS- The reason why the pictures have weirdo lines on them is because when we went hiking a few weeks ago, I fell on it. I was holding Joaquin, walking down a hill and slipped, the camera was in my back pocket. I crushed the display. It still works, but we can't see the pictures and now weird lines. Meh. Maybe we can get a new one at Christmas, but if not we will live with the lines.

Ms. Couric chats it up with Palin...Kness says "GAH!"

2008-09-30T19:45:00.000-07:00

http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2008/09/30/eveningnews/main4490618.shtml

Read the above transcript and then my blog it will make more sense...

I wonder what Ms. Couric thinks while doing these interviews, because her face, doesn't look so unbiased. Hehehe.

Well this is what I think. First off feminism is not a girl being able to do traditionally perceived boy things. Women have always taken on hunting, fishing, wood chopping and sports. Most of the women I know have been expected to do everything that the boys can do. Does Sarah Palin really think that is what feminism is? That is what it sounded like to me. What I define my feminism as is, I want to be equally accepted for being born a female. I want my thoughts, work and my experiences to be valued and respected by all I come in contact with in my life. If they are not, I don't want my sex to be a factor in the evaluation of those things. I also don't want to be exploited for being a female either. Females are different then males, (duh) and both sexes should be valued for their different strengths. I know my brain doesn't function the same as my husbands, but it doesn't make it bad. We handle a great many things differently, but I honor my husband for what he is and he does the same to me. Feminism for me comes down more to mutual respect, what is needed in all relationships to function properly.

She says it herself, Joe Biden has the experience. He was giving speeches and she was in the second grade. It is bad for Joe Biden to be 71, but okay for Mc Cain to be 72 running for office. What is this logic? Such blatant hypocrisy. Why is Mc Cain still harping on Obama's inexperience when he chose a running mate that has such marginal governmental experience? A heart beat away is far, far too close!

Next, ah...Sarah Palin can't name one newspaper or book she has read, or reads. What?!? Where does her information come from to create her "world view?"

She sure can tap dance around question she knows are controversial to answer, like the environmental issue. I don't think I have ever heard her say "yes" or "no," to any question. That is an easy statement to make when she has only done a handful of interviews. HA! She does the same thing with the morning after pill question.

One of the biggest issues to me is HOMOSEXUALITY IS NOT A CHOICE!!!!! You can't pray it away you can't decided one day to be gay and then not. It doesn't work that way. By her logic, that would mean that she chose to be heterosexual and we are all neutral until some one shows some interest or until we get burned by the opposite sex one to many times and have to switch teams. GAH! This gets me so angry. It shocks me that people believe some one would choose to be gay, and choose to have that kind of discrimination and hate directed toward them from homophobes and bigots. I guess it is people like me that add to the confusion. I am an openly bisexual female. I have always been sexually attracted to both males and females, but I didn't choose to be that way. That is the way my brain works. I married Camden because I am in love with him, but could have easily felt that same strength of love for a female. But really the "gay choice" issue comes down to misinformation and not really knowing a homosexual person. If Sarah Palin were "absolute best friends" with this gay women for 30 years she would probably know better, and since she is in a place of power, shouldn't she want to help the quality of life for her "best friend?" I know I would. She says she isn't going to judge a persons' life, but her not siding with equal rights legislations for gay marriage, adoption, insurance, etc. are judgements. Judgements that state the gay person made a bad choice and should be forever punished by not having the same rights that all heterosexuals have. Ridiculous. Imagine if your child were gay, would you think that your child should be denied a loving marriage, or a child, just because of their sexuality? Anyone out there who could possibly think that being gay is a choice, I ask you to be brave and ask a gay person. Everyone has one in their family, so look them up give them a call and ask.

I hope that people that read this will get their news from reputable sources, Fox News doesn't count, it is ran by Bush's family. Please look up all facts stated in emails and youtube videos you get in your inbox, be it pro-Obama, or pro-Mc Cain. The hate and propaganda politics need to end! Inform yourself to be a responsible voter. Watch and donate to PBS and NPR. I am as liberal as they come (obviously) and I hope for the sake of our country Obama is our next president. Maybe if not only for the sake of the country, but to keep Palin out of the oval office.

Shriner's Meet and Greet..

2008-09-30T08:46:00.000-07:00

Yesterday Elodie had her first visit at Shriner's Hospital. Walking into that place was almost magical. It is a beautiful small hospital. It is so clean! The cleanest hospital I have ever been in, all the toys and books looked brand new. I think people are really grateful to be in there, so they take way better care of it than a regular hospital. While we were getting registered, Elodie checked out a dog counting book, with all sorts of puppies in it, she loved that.

We met with Dr. Woiczik, (Y-check). She was very nice and petted Elodie's head. Elodie is getting more and more wary of doctors. That is something I don't know how to fix with her being so small. Now when she lays on the examination table and hears the crinkly paper she gets nervous. Dr. Woiczik did an evaluation of her skills and will be following her progress. She ordered physical therapy for her, and Elodie can go as much as we would like her to go. Elodie was also fitted for some AFOs (ankle foot orthotics). They are braces she will wear when she is getting around that will help her ankles and feet stay in the right position, just like her Happy Straps work for her hips. The hope is that she will get more strength in her feet and ankles if she can learn to stand on them in the good place. She can't stand without help yet. We got to pick out the color and pattern for the velcro and foam. Elodie choose black with little purple, pink, and teal flowers and purple velcro. The ortho tech casted her feet and legs to get an exact fit. She was so good during that process, it took a long time. She will get the braces in a few weeks when they are made. Ahhh....Her first couture item, specially made for my little miss. I told her once she learns to walk I will buy her tons of shoes to wear. One for every outfit if she wants, she deserves it for working so hard against the lump's damage. We are going back on Wednesday for her first physical therapy appointment. We checked out the physical therapy department while we were there, it is super cool! There are so many things to play on and with, she is going to have a blast. (fingers crossed) On Wednesday we will get her on a set schedule for her therapy.

The really cool thing about this hospital is that they will keep tabs on Elodie until she is eighteen, if she needs it. She is in the inner circle. She can get physical therapy, orthopedic braces, x-rays, and medical care all for free. We are so priveledged to be a part of it. The only thing is that this hospital operates on donations. I worry that things that could help my girl could be cut due to the state of the economy. I guess there are big strokey beard meetings going on about that very thing. If you can please donate to Shriner's and other worthy charitable causes. They are tax deductible after all and every little bit helps. If you can't send money, they are happy to take books, toys and time. It really is a lovely place for children. It is so welcoming and pleasant. I am so thankful to have Elodie there. Yeah Shriner's!!!

Volunteer Cuddle Program

2008-09-28T11:13:00.000-07:00

My spongy heart has been full and heavy with the recent experiences some of my friends have had and the current state of the economy and election. I have been syrupy soppy with all sorts of emotions. In acting class you are taught to keep a "sensory journal." You are to write down things you hear, see, or experience and exactly how you it makes you feel. You are to take it all in, write it out, as to purge and learn how to respond. I have been taking this all in forever, but have not got it out, hence the syrupy soppiness.

I have very lucid dreams quite frequently when I ignore my emotions and stuff them down. I believe it is my higher self telling me what I should do in a sneaky way. Last night I dreamed a very telling dream, of what I think I need in my life, of what we all need. I was a part of an organized Volunteer Cuddle Program in my dream. What it consisted of was people who needed to just feel human touch and the need to be loved could come together and just hold one another. You could talk and spill your guts, but the other person didn't need to solve you issues, just to listen and love you. In my dream I was holding my friend Lance. He is a person I don't know well, he is in the local music scene, but we don't hang out or whatever. He was sad about his business and his dog. (I don't even know if he has a dog, that is how well I know him) It seemed so real, and the feeling of listening and giving love to a person I don't know very well was so enlightening. It was so good to just look at him in the eye and say, "It is okay, you are cared for you are loved by your friends and family, no one will let you be harmed." I deeply meant every word and he was grateful. I wish that this could be so in real life, without the messy innuendo it would eventually cause. Gah, people, I think at times we all think too much about things and I wish we could just express our emotions without fear of rejection.

(Imagining you, the reader, holding me tight, listening close and making me feel loved)
In this time it feels as if nothing is permanent. People are loosing their jobs, homes, relationships, and more. The simple basics of human need are spilling through peoples' fingers and my heart is heavy. I feel that no one is safe from these times. It is down right frightening. It all seems that people are completely rearranging their lives by force and not choice, me included.

I have been looking for a job. I don't want a job, I have the best job in the world. I am so scared to break it from my focus. Once you go back to work after having kids it seems that that is it, no more staying home with the kids. The money is too important to give up. I am not ready to go to work, to change my life. I am not comfortable putting my kids in day care. Monro had day care when he was four, but at that point it was a good thing for him. He was getting ready for school and the world. But the little ones are still just babies and need their momma. They aren't even totally potty trained yet. The thought of some one else guiding my kids full time, makes me sick, even if it were someone I truly loved and trusted. It literally makes my stomach turn. I want to take some of the financial burden off Camden so he doesn't have to work every single day, but how do I do that and stay home with my kids? That was always my dream, to be a stay at home mom. I never really had a definite career in mind as a younger person. I didn't have a competitive drive to have a big important job. I just wanted to get paid in kisses and hugs. I think that is because I never had that sort of guidance when I was a kid. I feel if I have a job I am letting them down. If I don't I am letting my husband down, and then the wolves would scratch louder at the door. It is tough times for all and the world needs rearranging.
(Imagining you, the reader, your heart beat in my ear, the same as mine, because we are the same)

I am so glad that we have an election coming up soon. I really do think that America in on the precipice of change. Sometimes I feel so little would make it better for all of us. We just need more understanding and help from one another. Know that in through your difficult times I am here. I will hold you, be it virtual or real, just to make it better. I am a fantastic listener, tell me your story. (vac@kitefishingstudio.com) I know this post is a bit all over the place, but so am I. I am having a hard time focusing on stuff, because stuff just keeps changing. Thank you for letting me take it all in and write it out, I needed that.

Post Op what not....

2008-09-26T14:59:00.000-07:00

Don't those words above sound great together? Anywhoooo..... My girl had her post op visit with Dr. Rollins today. It was pretty uneventful. She had to have a chest x-ray to make sure that she healed up fine on the inside. She did. But she freaked out when I put her on the x-ray table. The girl lost it. I know she remembered the last time we were there. She had a chest tube and it hurt so much for her to be picked up and moved around. She is smart, nothing gets by her. She was completely panic stricken! Elodie screamed! That is totally weird because she never, never freaks out like that, especially in public.

Trauma aside, she is fine. Joaquin and Monro came with us. Joaquin was very interested in seeing the bones of his little sister. Her head was kind of down in the frame, so you could see all of her gnarly teeth under her gums. Joaquin loved that, he kept pointing at it and then his teeth and biting the air with excitement. He got a sucker and some stickers for being super cute. He had charmed the office staff in the short time we were there. He was wearing an old pair of sunglasses, and then tucked them in his shirt. The girls in the office were calling him "the movie star." He said bye to each one of them and gave them each a high five and knuckles (or terrorist fist jab, as it has been called on Fox News), and we were out. Ta-Da! So in a few months Elodie will have another CT scan to make sure that the lump is shrinking and that is that. She had two sessions of PT these past few weeks and she has been doing great. Her legs are really engaging.

I am off to make lasagna for a debate watching party over at Ryan's. I can't wait, it is going to be an awesome freak show! Better then Project Runway! Vote for Obama people, he is our only hope!

New Baby!!!

2008-09-23T08:38:00.000-07:00

No, no, no, not me! My friend Brynn had her little boy on Saturday. I am so happy for her. It seems like an eternity when you are preggers and then bam all over, and you have this little person attached to your heart for the rest of your life. It is an amazing feeling, scary mostly but full of love and tears. Birth stories are so interesting, if you don't know yours you should ask yo mama.

Monro... March 6th 10lbs 12oz 23.5 inches
I was so stupid when I was pregnant with Monro. I was only 19 when I got pregnant and 20 when I had him. I didn't have a whole lot of support around to tell me how to take care of myself. The midwives were not concerned with how huge I was getting until it was too late and I was 187lbs and almost ready to deliver. I got preeclampsia, which is high blood pressure and headaches a whole host of other uncomfortable things, so I had to be on bed rest for the remaining two months of my pregnancy. It wasn't all day, just five hours out of the day. I had to lay on my left side to get my pressure down and I had to check it all the time. Gah. I was so huge. I only had three shirts that fit me and two pairs of pants. I had to wash them out by hand, because we didn't have a washing machine.

On the fourth of March my water broke while at Liberty Park. We went over to my ex's parents house and called the midwives. We went up to the hospital and confirmed it. It wasn't like in the movies when everything just bursts, it was a slow leak, ugh, I know. The nurses wanted me to stay at the hospital, but I hadn't eaten anything since seven that morning and you can't eat once you are officially admitted. We left the hospital and went for burritos! In the middle of eating my contractions started. This is a very weird pain. It isn't in your stomach muscles, it is much deeper and wraps around all the way into your back and radiates into your legs. I experienced this pain for a good 33 hours then I gave in and had an epidural. Monro wasn't moving, with each contraction he would come up and then go back into the same spot. I was so stubborn and wanted to have a natural birth, but I was tired from all the contractions the staff thought I wouldn't have the strength to push once it came time. I never got to that time unfortunately.

Once I got the epidural my vitals started to tank and I was going in and out of consciousness. My kidneys were shutting down and my legs were filling up with fluid, the skin stretched and split so fast. I stopped breathing and was rushed in to surgery to have a c-section. Within minutes Monro was out and I was breathing on my own. He was able to see me right away. I remember the first thing I said was, "He is here, I can't believe he is here!" It took a long ass time to get him there and I was so out of it during his delivery, all that time seemed to melt away. He was so cute and HUGE that is why he wasn't moving into the birth canal. He had dark hair, blue eyes and looked just like me! I became a grown up at that moment and realized this was the best job I would ever have, being a mom.

Joaquin... March 14th 7lbs 14.5oz 20 inches
Joaquin was a much better pregnancy compared to Monro. The only thing with him was the first three months, I was so sick. I barfed all the time. I had to quit my job at Akasha and work from home. I was terrified that I would loose it in a session with a client. But after those first few months were over I felt pretty good. Except at about seven months I developed a heart murmur, but that is pretty common and went away after I delivered. With Joaquin I knew how to be pregnant. I ate right, I did pregger lady yoga and played my monster music everyday. He loved Cat Stevens and The Beatles of course. I loved sharing my pregnancy with Monro, he was so proud and excited. Everyone, literally everyone he talked to he told them I was pregnant. It was funny. He drew on my belly, he talked to his brother and told him all about his kindergarten adventures. It was cute.

Since I had such a scary delivery with Monro I wanted to just schedule a c-section. I know it isn't popular and whatever, but when you almost die the first time you have a baby, it makes you sort of gun shy. He came so much easier. I had to be put out cold because I my spinal shunt. The only bad thing with Joaquin was there was some mix up with who was going to be our nurse and it took forever to see my little guy, like two hours! My first words when I woke up was, "He is blond?" I thought that since I picked the name Joaquin, he would be a dark little Mexican baby, but no. Blond and blue eyed, and he looked just like his daddy. Monro came a few hours later to meet his little brother. He was so excited and nice. He brought me a cow, we named Gracie. It was such a better time frankly. I was so in love with Camden and proud of him for taking care of all of us. He was and is an excellent parenting partner.

Our first meeting...

And this makes you a Daddy...

Elodie Love... May 11th 7lbs 12oz 20 inches
My best pregnancy considering. She was so good. I only got sick once, but the stress in my life at the time was a bit ridiculous. I have wondered if that stress contributed to her tumor. I think maybe that is just my guilty mother's heart. When I was about 16 weeks along I began to bleed a little. I went into the doctor and she said that she thought it was due to stress and I needed to take it easy. My grandmother was dying, my mother was constantly calling me for help, Joaquin was still a little baby, Cam had some bad business deals that would go away, and we were trying to get my custody of Monro. It was a horrible time, but through out all of that I had to have a lot of ultrasounds and got to keep close tabs on my baby. At 16 weeks we found out she was a girl and it was amazing! I never thought I would have a girl. I am a good boy mom and didn't have a great example of mother daughter bond. I didn't think I could do it. So I got a book and realized a lot about myself and what went wrong with my relationship with my mother. It has helped me be such a better mom, all that self examination.

So my girl was the same with Joaquin, scheduled c-section. This time didn't go as smoothly as it should have. She got too much of my anesthesia. She needed oxygen, she was breathing shallowly. Cam came in to tell me when I was waking, "She is being naughty and not breathing." I was terrified. I knew that she was going to be my last baby and that couldn't live with out her. I told Cam to not worry about me to stay right by her side and tell her to be good and breathe. He was so worried about whether or not I would be okay. I wrapped my hands together tight and placed them under my chin and prayed to Elodie. "You have to breathe little one, you have to try really hard and you have to be here for me." She stabilized and was sent to the NICU. I met her there later that night when I could walk. She was laying on a red heart blanket and looked like a little Valentine. I just kept kissing her and saying, "I got my girl!" I was so proud and have been ever since. I am so lucky to have these little kids to hang out with all the time. They are my best friends!

Little Valentine!

Best friends

Tumor Treatment...I forgot to mention.

2008-09-08T10:50:00.000-07:00

Well, since the tumor is regressing our doctors think that there is no other need for surgery. It has receded from her spinal cord, but it has left a sort of dent in it. It looks like a spinal cord injury on her CT scan. So what they think is the best sort of treatment for her is to get more physical therapy in order to get strength so she can walk. How she improves will really be up to her.

She is works really hard during therapy and when we practice, I am not worried about her at all. She does have feeling in her legs and movement she just needs to expand on that. Our developmental neurologist says that kids that have issues when they are little with hypotonia and such, usually catch up by the time they are three. Woo-hoo! Just in time for preschool! Now we are going to work on getting her a some great therapy that we can afford. We are applying to Shriner's Hospital to see if they can help. They are free, I hope they take her.

She is totally back to normal. You would never guess she had surgery last week. She is outside right now playing with her grandparents and her brother. Just like a normal, healthy, happy baby girl face! We are so blessed. Can't say it enough, I love my kids!

A Great Event in Evolution

2008-09-06T13:13:00.000-07:00

I have never had so many different emotions crammed into my heart all at once like I did at the hospital. It was such a growing experience that I am truly thankful for it. So to borrow a phrase from my Myspace friend Jennifer (Eolin), here is how it all went down....

Wednesday...
I went in to the babies' room to get them up and Joaquin had peed the bed. Nice. I grabbed Elodie put her by the toys and gave him a quick bath. I heard miss fussing but I just thought it was because she was hungry. Nope, she had a major poo diaper blow out and was mad, because she went in her diaper. (she usually goes on the potty like a big girl) She had to have a bath too. Ugh. I don't know how they know but they always do this sort of thing when I am in a hurry. Camden came home after I got her out of the tub and he saved me, he got Joaquin breakfast so we could head out the door.

Usual stuff happened when we were checking in to the surgery department of Primary Children's. Waiting in a bunch of different room, saying the same story to a bunch of different people. It seemed to take forever. Elodie got some versed again, which is a very funny drug. She was so happy and giggly, all of the other kids and their families became her very best friends. She is a happy drunk.

Finally, I handed her off to the anesthesiologist, he was sweet, but had coffee breath (pet peeve) and my girl waved bye-bye. I felt so tense inside. I knew what was going to happen and knew that the doctors were extremely good and capable of everything they had to do, but I was so scared.

The biopsy was only supposed to take 2 hours, so when two hours came and went I started to feel sick. They have signs in the waiting area that say, "If you haven't heard about your child after an hour from the time stated, please speak with the clerk." By the time some one came to speak with us it was 4 hours. I was on pins and needles. What happened was the surgeon Dr. Rollins, took four different samples from the tumor, because the immediate pathology kept coming back as scar tissue with calcifications. The fast pathology test take 25 minutes to process. I just wonder what was going on in there while they were waiting for it to come back. Do they go online, do they read, do they dance what is going on while my baby is just there on the table waiting? When Dr. Rollins finally came to talk to us in the conference room, I instantly felt relieved. I didn't know the immediate results, but some how I knew she was going to be just fine. I danced when he left and Camden seemed to breathe for the first time. After our conference I went to see her in recovery. She looked so tiny in that crib. Every recovery bed was full, that was scary. I sat there and stroked my babies hair and began to feel so grateful for everything I have. I wanted to hug the family next to us, I don't know what surgery their baby had, but it was sad, she was coughing up something gross, and was so pale. I closed my eyes hard and thanked Elodie for her strength. We went up to her room after a half hour of recovery. Elodie was still sleepy, but she would open her eyes and look around for me. It was sweet.

That night was rough. The nurses had to come into come in every hour for vitals, Elodie was on a morphine drip so they had to keep a close eye. I was on a fold out recliner chair thing, for what it was it was pretty comfortable. But I didn't sleep. I felt that Thursday morning that I had hit the wall. I was so tired emotionally, I was tapping all the strength I had to continue to be a happy face for Elodie. I kept texting Camden, (he was home with Joaquin) how I was so lonely and felt I was on the edge of breaking down completely. He was trying his best to be encouraging, but it was really hard for me to be away from home and to have our daughter in this medical limbo.

Thursday...
The morning was pretty good for Elodie. She was sitting up, chatting and playing. She was eating her breakfast just like she always does, but this morning she had a chest tube. We played most of the day and she napped. She was so sweet to all the staff. I went home later that day and showered. It felt so good. I broke down in the shower and just cried. Cried that kind of cry where you know that afterward you are going to be a different person. A person with experience and a new beginning. I welcome cries like that, they opens me up so far that it feels as if I am turned inside out. Nothing can harm you when your heart is all the way open and willing to learn. I am learning and Elodie is my teacher. Camden's parents came into town on Thursday. We were and are so grateful for that. The kids just love them and they are a huge help to us. We wish they lived closer and could see the kids all the time.

Friday...
All the doctors came in to visit Elodie and give us the good news. The tumor is benign and is regressing. It is a weird type of tumor, leave it to us to have another freak disorder, but it is leaving her. It has caused some damage to her spinal cord, but with physical therapy we have hope that that can be rehabilitated. How well she walks will be up to her, so if you have ever met my girl, you know that she will be just fine. It may take awhile for her to catch up physically, but that is okay, she can take all the time she needs. She is so strong, she didn't even flinch when her chest tube was taking out. Amazing.

Saturday...
We are home of course and happily hung out with our family. Saturday was so great. We went to Camden's aunt's house in Heber for a BBQ. It was so nice to just chat with them and play. Camden's dad and uncle gave Elodie a blessing which was so sweet. It meant a lot to Cam's dad. We aren't religious people of course, but it is important to teach my children tolerance and acceptance of all people. That begins at home and accepting one's family first. I would never refuse love and positive energy being concentrated onto my children.

Sunday....
I am so grateful for all of you out there that sent Elodie your love and positivity. I will put up all the photos I took, but right now my computer and camera aren't cooperating. Maybe it will later today. My hubby is leaving on a business trip in Vegas, so I can't tell you how pleased I am that Elodie got to come home before he left. Phew. I have been so happy and in love with the world ever since the doctors said the word, BENIGN! Benign was like my morning breaking, like the first morning fresh from the word! Everyday is a glorious day and I hope to keep this feeling on for a long time to come. Thank you for your support and your love, it really helped me through. Family and friends that is what it all comes down to, that is all we truly have in this life. I love you, know you are loved.

Night before Surgery...

2008-09-02T19:11:00.000-07:00

So tomorrow my baby Elodie is going to Primary Children's to get her biopsy and bone marrow test. The technical term for the biopsy is, left thoracoscopic biopsy posterior mediastinal mass. Nice eh? Who knew they could fit such big words on my tiny baby girl.

Elodie is doing just fine as always. She is sitting in her high chair right now eating a hardy meal of beef broccoli and sweet and sour chicken. She isn't going to be able to eat for a while so I thought she should have something nice and flavorful. My kids are so funny, they hate kid food. Monro has just barely come around to peanut butter and jelly. The babies are allergic to peanuts, so none for them. Joaquin despises mac and cheese and grill cheese sandwiches. What kid doesn't like cheese? Elodie is my best eater, but she prefers savory foods with lots of flavor. Meal times can be stressful, 'cause sometimes I just want kid food-simple food! Anyway, I digress.

My girl will be in surgery for a little while and then we get to have a slumber party in the hospital. We should be home on Thursday. Whoo-hoo! I am sure she will bring home another little stuffed friend. Today she had her blood drawn and she got a black puppy named Muffin. She is so cute, she looks a little like our myspace friend Wilbur, but she is more of a dark chocolate. I will do a photo shoot soon of all her stuffy friends. She is spoiled at the hospital, I tell ya!

I am excited to get this part over with and get on to the treatment phase. We will know exactly what we are dealing with after the week. Phew. It will all be settled soon, I am sure. I can't tell you all enough how strong my girl is, I really can't. You just have to meet her. She has these eyes that are so compassionate and sweet. She hugs and kisses with great love and sings her heart out with enormous passion. She is my idol. I tell her this everyday and I hope she someday she really understands it. I love everything there is about Elodie, even her lump. HA!

I have been talking to her lump. I have been saying that I totally understand why it would want to snuggle into my baby, she is made of sugar, but it is time to hit the road. I put out a warning, so I hope it has listened and doesn't try to hang out or leave any buddies behind. Elodie is done with this lump.

I will blog about the whole thing when we get home. Wish us well and we will be, we always are because we are lucky enough to have each other.

Radioactive Baba GRRRL!!!

2008-08-28T14:05:00.000-07:00

Lately this has been the "Elodie Chronicles," her present situation has taken over the blog in a big way. She tends to do that where ever she goes really. Today in the radiation department was a great example of that. She has been there five times in the last two weeks. FIVE! Everyone knows her. They brag about her sweet disposition whenever they hand her over to another nurse or technician. She is the good IV girl. She hardly makes a peep and is more offended then physically hurt when they come at her with needles. She is also cute when they sedate her. During these scans she has to be completely still, so sedation is always on the menu. Today she was singing, literally singing, "Lalala" when they gave her the sleepy drugs. She then saw me smiling down at her, she pointed at me and said, "Hey!" As if to say, "Why are there so many of you mommy?" So funny.

So today she had an MIGB. She was radioactive. Hope it gives her super powers, but meh, it probably won't. Yesterday we met with Dr. Michael Rollins. He is going to be doing the biopsy on Wednesday the third. He was so very nice. He actually apologized for having to cancel the first appointment we had with him last week. I don't think I have had a doctor apologize for anything. It was shocking and I thanked him. Joaquin was with us, and he was good. He didn't mind being shuffled from office to office. He was so concerned about his sister while she was getting her exam, he even shushed me! It was funny and he got a sucker for being an awesome big brother. We looked at the CT films and he was very interested. Afterward he was telling us about it in the elevator in his own language of course.

Elodie will have to stay in the hospital over night when she has the biopsy. They are going to do it with scopes so she will only have a few tiny incisions. She will also have a chest tube to drain out any fluid from the surgery. She will most likely have another surgery to remove the thingy when the test results come back from the biopsy. Once we know exactly what stage of tumor it is the doctors will know how to treat it effectively be that surgery, medication, or a combination of both.

Her blood tests all came back great. Her white blood cell where normal as were her electrolytes, which if they were elevated may suggest a more aggressive tumor, but they weren't so Yea! I had to get a urine sample from her and drop it off today. This was hilarious. They gave me these little bags with a sort of bandaid at the top to stick to her lady bits, then the bag had cotton balls in it to absorb the pee. I had to squeeze the pee out of the cotton and pour it into the specimen cup. Gagg. Baby pee is so stinky. You really know you love someone when you willing squeeze their pee from a stinky bag into a cup and then put that cup in your fridge. It is true love and it is real.

Elodie is doing fine through all of this. She has no idea what is going on, she just knows she is getting a lot of attention. I don't think she minds that. Joaquin is mostly stealing the family spotlight. We and the doctors are positive about her diagnosis. She is so strong and happy. There is no need for "poor baby" stuff directed toward her. "Poor mommy," sha! She is happy and usual and up for anything. She pleasantly goes about her day, every once in awhile offering herself up for experiments and test. She presents her arm reluctantly, but proudly for her IVs. She pees in bags with dignity. She is unapologetic in her loopiness and no matter how pissed she is during the tests she always greets her nurses with a "hello." She is a shining example of a good patient. We are very proud of her and love her for her resilience. She is a tough cookie, so watch out world, here comes Elodie!

Waiting is the Hardest Part...

2008-08-19T18:05:00.000-07:00

Camden dropped Elodie and I out front of Primary Children's Hospital at about a quarter to 8 this morning. The weather was lovely and the babies were in good moods. Camden took Joaquin over the Kelli and Ryan's to be watched for the day. He got to play with their son Steele all day, so he was set.

Elodie and I went in filled out the paper work and waited. She had to drink contrast for the CT scan today. The nurse asked what flavor she would like, (lucky kids get to pick a flavor, the stuff they give adults is plain and chalky and awful.) I said, "Anything but orange would be fine." A few minutes later, she came in with a sippy that was full of orange flavored contrast. She didn't know, but that was the only flavor they had. Great. She had to drink about 9-oz. in an hour. Yuck. We went outside to help it go down easier. I basically had to force feed it to her, but she didn't cry much. She just gurgled it in protest, but still swallowed. Then after she drank that, more waiting. It has to work its way through her system to help the view of the CT.

Camden came up by this time. He said once he drop Joaquin off, he was in instant play mode. Phew. Elodie got another IV after a lot of waiting....yawn.

We then went into the big CT scan room. If you have never seen this machine it is huge. It is a movable bed that slides back and forth through a giant circle that looks like a front loading washing machine. It is weird to put a tiny little person on that monster thing. I held Elodie in my lap as our nurse gave her versaid, a medication to chill her out while she was getting her scan. It was so funny she was doing her usual chatting and then, bam SILLINESS! She just started to giggle. She was looking into my eyes just laughing, then Camden started to pet her hair and she loved it almost purring with laughter. I laid her down on the machine and she cooed and giggled the whole time. Hilarious.

Then we were to go upstairs to the Hematology/Oncology department to get her results. We checked in and waited some more, bickered a lot. Camden isn't very good hospital company, he just sits there looking tired and I want to talk to distract my thoughts. He never wants to talk, really. He never has anything to say. It was irritating for both of us.

The resident told us that the doctor was in a meeting so we should get some food and then come back. Elodie finally got to eat! I automatically go into a hospital cafeteria and get a grilled cheese samich! The craving is from all those days spent on my feet on the floor taking care of patients, ah takes me back. Elodie was in a better mood instantly and so was I. I was so hungry.

Finally the doctor came in and told us what he thinks Elodie has. He thinks she has a neuroblastoma. Now what kind exactly will be determined by a biopsy and bone marrow screen that she is getting tomorrow and another scan she will get probably next week. But the doctor thinks that she doesn't have the aggressive kind, with cells that are rapidly growing and infiltrating other tissues. He believes she has a lower stage kind. I think so too. She hasn't shown any other signs except her lack of strength in her legs. She is so healthy and her prognosis is pretty good. Yeah!

It was an easier day today for Elodie. She got stoned and got cuddled by her mom and dad all day. We had it rough waiting and waiting in those little rooms. That part was exhausting. She is going to be sore after tomorrow, but she will be okay. We have a good team behind us that will make sure she gets everything she needs. She is one tough cookie and so I am, so we aren't scared. We head into storms with our heads on straight and our hoodies on. We should get the results of the biopsy on Friday. Got fingers, cross 'em people!

Baby's First MRI...

2008-08-17T18:05:00.000-07:00

I came home from the Cavedoll show on Friday night (Saturday morning really) and got my Elodie up for a snack. She couldn't eat anything past 3AM until after the MRI was done. She was NPO because they have to sedate babies. It was scheduled for 11AM, which is such a long time for a little one not to eat. I had to feed her something right before the cut off time. She was very confused, but in a silly mood. I knew she would either be really pissed at me, or really funny. I am glad she was funny. She had some peach yogurt, milk and crackers and cheese. She thought I looked pretty crazy in all my hair and make up from the show. Elodie went back to sleep with out a fuss as usual she is a pretty good little sleeper.

We all woke at the usual time. I tried to feed Joaquin at the dinner table so Elodie couldn't see him eating his breakfast and her wonder, "Hey Ma, where the hell is my waffle?" But he wanted to sit at his little table for breakfast so he could watch his cartoons. Elodie played happily on the floor, she was oblivious until Camden came home with bagels for us. I had to put her in her room, that was sad. It is so hard to deny your kid food. So hard. She got her binky which she only normally uses at night and she was pretty okay.

Now on to the waiting. We sat in the little room, as ya do and waited. Filled out forms and waited. Changed the baby and waited. There was a girl about Monro's age coming out of the sedation and she just lost her mind. She was screaming like they were cutting off a limb. That started to get to Elodie. We shut the door and hid in the little room. Elodie was so funny while we were just hanging out. I think she was delirious from hunger. She was laughing at everything I was doing and every toy was hilarious. She was a nut. A nurse came in to tell us that another patient that was already in the hospital had to have an MRI and that is why it was taking so long. This nurse had gum and Elodie noticed. After that she kept signing "eat" over and over. Sad.

Finally the nurses came in to give Elodie her IV. She was so good and hardly made a peep that she got to choose a toy out of the treasure box. She picked a soft brown teddy, I named her Meri, because it sounds like MRI. Heehee. Not too long after that it was her turn. She rested in my arms when they gave her the medicine to knock her out. It was funny how much she tried to fight it. She was laying across my arm and then when she could feel the tiredness coming on, she was trying so hard to get up. She was pointing off into the distance, said "Ma." and then she was asleep.

The test took about an hour to finish and then she would be coming out of the anesthesia for another hour, so I went out and got some gas and a snack. I went to that Tesoro by Presidents' Circle and as I was going into the store I heard our song, "Full of Awe" coming out of a car that had just finished fueling. It was so weird. I texted Camden immediately. (He was home with Joaquin and Monro) Wow, people actually listen to the CDs they buy. Huh.

So back I went to the hospital to wait. I sat in my car to eat my snack and drink my tea. I felt so alone. So all alone. I felt that no one could possible understand what I was going through at that exact moment, except my Camden. I called him and lost my composure. I had been so good up till then. I know what this part of an illness or a disorder or a whatever is like, this crazy "let's figure this out" phase and it sucks. I went through it for almost two years when we were trying to figure out what was happening to my brain. It is different when it is your baby though. They looks so tiny, so small on those big doctor machines. I fidgeted with Elodie's binky while I talked to Camden and had him set me right. He did, he almost always does. I popped the lid of my tea and it gave me a wonderful much needed quote about courage and I was able to suck it up and go in there and get my baby.

The nurse gave me my sleepy girl and it reminded me so much of the first time we met. She was hooked up to an IV, groggy and cute just like she was when I saw her the night she was born. She was trying so hard to talk and tell me all of her crazy drug dreams, but she couldn't. She could just make weird sounds, laugh a little and stretch and shrink her mouth. It was funny. After a half an hour and some apple juice she was good to come back home. She had another nap and then was pretty much back to normal. We went to Ryan's (our drummer) for a BBQ and she was just fine until bedtime came, which is usual. A girl needs her beauty sleep NOW DAMN IT!

I got a call today from the doctor. The findings were not as great as we had hoped, but not completely horrible either. Her brain is perfect, it is developing very well. So we can rule out any cognitive disorders, (I already knew that her brain was fine she is so stinking smart and adaptable). But next to her spine in her thoracic region is a soft tissue mass. It is connected to other tissues around the spine including her muscles and lung. We don't know what it is really, but it has gotten in the way of her spine developing properly and she has some atrophy in her spinal column. That is why her legs are not working and developing like they should. Atrophy if you don't know is the partial or complete wasting away of a part of the body. Which means that her leg and lower spinal weakness could be reversible with lots of therapy or maybe not. We don't know anything along those lines yet.

So what is next? Well, very soon she is going to have a CT scan to get a better idea of what this thing is and what we can do about it. This is all going to move very fast. She may have surgery, she may have more tests, but soon we will know what we are up against and what we can do to help Elodie. I am trying hard to stay positive and keep my nurse's cap on tight. If I think like I nurse more than a mom, I will do better with all that she will have to go through in the next little while. I will be there in the rocking chair waiting for her to be placed in my arms just like the first time we met. I will rock steady in that chair, I will be strong, because I have my Camden to set me right. He almost always does. ; ) Wish my baby luck.

Open? Us? I think I'm gonna FAINT!

2008-08-05T13:03:00.001-07:00

We opened for The Faint last Wednesday and here is how it went down...

Before we left for Tulsa, Camden got an email from the concert promoter asking if we could be the opener for this particular show. Camden having his wits about him, immediately replied with a "yes." We still have no idea how they found us and why they chose us to do this show. This was a rare opportunity and frankly the icing on the Tulsa cake. Tulsa was so great, I would have been happy if we were to never play again, it would have been the biggest high note to go out on, but we had to make the week completely memorable by kicking ass with a welcome home show in the SLC. So that is exactly what we did and the crowd did not disappoint.

I arrived at around 8:00pm, I had to wait for our ultra hip and super nice sitter Jane Anne before I could hit 'da club. In the Venue is completely different from the last time I was there, which was years ago. New lights, new big stage, new grope-y security crew of which I was not fond. They also had these huge metal barriers that looked like something a rancher would use to inclose cattle. These were used to inclose our lovely audience and keep them away from the stage. Pleasant. The security and stage crew, assemble and shifted, took apart and wheeled around the different pieces of the barriers for a good 30 minutes. We grabbed our gear and took it outside. Ally's keyboard almost tipped completely over in this whole ballet of the barriers. Like I said, pleasant. The Faint were sound checking at this time. They sounded great and filled the crazy open space with such funky good times, we forgot about the crew.

After a quick visit to the upstairs bar where we met Yoseph, a six foot whatever fan and hunk o' sweetness that bought us shots, it was our turn to sound check. We had to set up our stuff in front of The Faint's gear, so the huge stage was tailored down quite a bit. It was relatively the same size as the stage in Tulsa, tiny. So much for a big stage. The sound people couldn't get my mic to work, some sort of cross feed problem, I don't know? So we were still checking when they let all the shining lovable SLC kids into the show. We were up there it seemed like forever, but I was striking up conversations with the cool kids down front. One guy asked me, "Do you feel uncomfortable with all of us staring at you while you sound check?" I replied, "No, do you feel uncomfortable with everyone staring at you 'cause you are talking to me?" He went a little red, then we geeked out about music for a bit, it was rad. Finally the mic worked and we got on with the check, we checked with "Full of Awe," and the crowd even cheered for that. Nice bunch a flowers they were.

I sprayed my throat with my Thayers and then on with the show. The sound was so great, we just flooded the place with our music. It was an awesome set, a bunch of the hits. It was pretty short though only 30 minutes. Meh. It was good to just give the people a taste of sugar and then move on, hopefully we made some fans so they will come see us when we play longer. I faked an orgasm during "Mexico" and mimed a BJ on "On and On," yep good thinking with those antics Kness for the all ages show. Gah. Sometimes people wonder if it is hard to play the same songs for people all the time, and yes, sometimes it is. That is when things like the fore mentioned happen. What can I say, I was still out of it from the drive. ??? I guess people found it pleasing. They clapped along to "Full of Awe," and totally lost their minds during "Taste like a Hurricane." We got a fabulous response. Which is something you hope for when you are opening for a major player like The Faint. Janet scared me to death, because I look over and she was playing in the middle of a puddle. She had knocked her bottle of water over. I was so worried she was going to get shocked. It was all okay, nothing shocking,and she played beautifully even in a puddle of water. I went upstairs after the show to meet people and to see Yoseph again, he bought me another shot, sweet guy. I shouted out to him on the mic during our set and dedicated "Mexico" to him for his generosity. Went back downstairs before I left where I was promptly groped my the security guard. He had no idea that I was just on stage a few minutes before and searched my tiny purse. It can barely hold lipstick it is so small, derp. I had to leave early to relieve the sitter, so I missed The Faint. Heard it was good though. I got a stupid parking ticket for parking like everyone else. Argh. All of the snags aside it was a fun show and an amazing audience. They were really dancing hard, hope they saved something for The Faint. Hehehe.

The thing that was really surprising about this show was the response I particularly got from girls. All the girls I met (and have met lately) were so nice and complementary. When I was in school, I was every play and musical that was put on in my little town, some girls HATED me! And they were mean about it too, spreading rumors, kicking my chair in choir, saying my voice sucked what have you. They hated me because I could sing, dance, say lines, stand in front of a camera and smile and I wasn't afraid to do any of those things, even when I knew they were going to be mean. I have always been able to get up on stage and do something. But for some reason when I was a kid, this bothered some mean girls. I was never a "show off" about singing. I was the same then as I am now when I perform, it is just something I do and I'm grateful people like it when I do it. Now people are nice about me performing for them, want me to do it and that is the biggest gift I have ever received. People now appreciate me for this part of myself that was forsaken for so long. I want people to know that this performing thing is not who I am it is just something I do, it is my job. The cool thing about this job it the instant gratification that comes with it and meeting new people. I love meeting new people and geeking out about music.

Come geek out with me this Friday at Kilby Court doors open at seven, I think. It is an earlier show and all ages this time too, and I will try hard to behave myself. I will be there shortly after seven, gotta wait for the sitter.

Tagged....Fuuuuwap!

2008-07-30T13:41:00.000-07:00

Here are the rules:
1. Link to the person who tagged you.
2. Post the rules on your blog.
3. Write six random things about yourself.
4. Tag six random people at the end of your post by linking to their blogs.
5. Let each person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their website.
6. Let your tagger know when your entry is up.

Mandy tagged me. She is a friend from Vernal, we go way back when I would wear costumes to school.

Six random things...

1- I almost always eat the same lunch everyday. Peanut butter and honey with cheese slices on the side and a diet coke. When I put the honey on I draw a heart with it as to put love in it. I do that when I ice a cake.

2- I have had eight surgeries in my short life.

3- I have know how to crochet for 21 years. My auntie and my grandma taught me when I was 8. Sheesh, I am old.

4- I was three the first time I sang in public. I was the back up singer for my mom. I don't remember what it was for, but we sang Christmas songs for some old ladies.

5- I try hard to dance everyday with my kids.

6- I collect tea pots. I love them in all their squatty beauty.

I tag Mike, Bella, CadieRae, Brynn, Melissa, Cavedoll.

D-Fest Huh? What is that?

2008-07-29T13:36:00.000-07:00

What is D-Fest or DeversaFest? Well, it is a festival and music conference that is put on every year in Tulsa, Oklahoma. There are a ton of bands performing on main stages and in the clubs of the Blue Dome District in Tulsa. During the day there are panels where industry people talk about all sorts of different things that are interesting to artists. They talk about licensing, how a record deal works, getting your music out there and whatnot. That part was extremely informative and we were all thankful for their information. We got into the festival through our radio promoters at Tinderbox Music.

So... We set out on our journey on Wednesday. Camden's parents came all the way from Florida to take care of the children while we were away. Our friend Mike Terry (photographer extraordinaire) came to take pictures of it for an article he is working on about us for the Deseret News. (I will let you know when it comes out). Saying goodbye to my babies was so very very difficult. I haven't been away from my kids very much, and knowing I wouldn't be able to snuggle them and take care of them for several days was so painful. But I did it. I know it was good for them to bond more with their grandparents, but for me it was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I'm still healing that tear in my heart, even though I am home. I know I am crazy.

We were off. Camden, Ryan, Allison, Janet, Diane, Crystal and me. We didn't stop that much, because the night before I made fourteen sandwiches for the drive. We ate pretty healthy on the way down, we had plenty of snacks and Red Bull to keep the drivers going. We drove so long the first day. Made it all the way to Salina, Kansas. Diane works for the hotel chain where we stayed so we got two rooms for about sixty bucks for that night. Fantastic rooms too. It wasn't a very restful sleep but it was good to stop moving. We got up early the next day had our continental breakfast and we were back on the road. The van was pretty comfy for staying in it twenty hours total the way down. It is Ryan's and it has a DVD player and lots of room. We had Ryan's iPod too, but it was too loyal to him to play any of the music we gave him. I think he talked to it before we left, to tell it to only give us one or two songs, but to stick with the regulars. As a result we watched movies mostly. Cheeky iPod.

We wanted to make it to Tulsa pretty early so we would have time to eat, rest, get dressed and go to the opening party for the festival. We got there at about four o'clock on Thursday. We checked into our rooms at the Crown Plaza, a beautiful room, and headed out into the city. We walked down to McNellie's Pub for dinner. Camden and I shared a chicken wrap and it was soooooo good. After dinner we got dressed and headed down to the party.

The place where they had it was pretty cool. It was two bars, and an all ages club hooked together. It was a maze. We handed out a bunch of sample CDs and fliers that told people where we were playing at the festival. I didn't see anyone else doing this specifically, so we were creating a good buzz. Some people actually went to the website and checked us out. It was such a surprise to go up to people, hand them a CD and they would say, "Oh yeah I checked you guys out and was planning on seeing your show." We already were getting a positive response. Shocked! Most bands didn't have as many girls as we do, so we were quite interesting. Walking around I met Donita and Nate and they clued me into where the cool kids hang out at that particular club. Donita and Nate are dancers for a group called Recorder. Just the nicest people you could meet, so hospitable and funny. The dance club was called Cappella's. The Dj was so good, but no one was dancing. Wha??? The lighst were crazy and zooming all over no one. Lame. So I just had to dance. Janet and I were the only ones dancing and then five minutes later the floor was crowded. We danced until we were soaked. Janet and I took a break and the floor completely dispersed. It was funny. Then we came back and the crowd followed. We had dance floor super powers. Craziness. So after a fun night of networking and dancing Camden and I went back to the hotel for the night. The others came with us but after a pillow fight, and arm wrestling in the hotel room they were up for more. I don't know exactly what went on, but I know they were droopy in the morning.

The next day Camden and I went to panel and took tons of notes. So much good information and also conformation that everything we are doing we are doing it well, and right and we know our place and identity. We didn't do much besides the panels during the day. Camden and I were just trying to suck up all the information we could. But really there wasn't much to do in the area we were staying. Downtown Tulsa seems to be in a flux, there was a lot of construction going on. There isn't much shopping or food. We just ate at the hotel and McNellie's, and got souvenirs at a cute shop called Dwelling Spaces. It will be interesting to see what happens to Tulsa and where it is headed in the future.

On Saturday we hooked up with Jon Delange of Tinderbox Music, our radio promoter. Not only does he try to get us on the radio stations, but he has hooked us up with 9 licenses to different shows on cable. So someday we could hear ourselves on E! or Style. If you happen to hear it let me know. We signed the licenses and had a great conversation with him. He is really cool and impressive. He started out in recording, just like Camden. We laid low on Saturday because we had to play that night. I wanted to save all my energy for the show.

The Show.... We played at a club called The Continental. While we were walking down there, we walked by the VIP club and they were blasting our song, "Taste Like a Hurricane," the Dj got a CD the night before and played songs then too. It was a nice boost before we played. We got there at around 7:30pm to load all of our stuff in and relax for a bit. We were to play at 9pm. The stage looked so small and no one was there. I was thinking it was just going to be one of those shows. I really didn't know what to expect from Tulsa, I thought it was going to be similar to Salt Lake, but boy was I wrong.

While we were setting up our stuff, (mind you this was only about ten or fifteen minutes) the club started to overflow with people. We were sound checking and the people were pushed up right against the stage. We saw eight industry panelist in the crowd, we had given some of them CDs and they said they were going to come check out our live show, and THEY ACTUALLY DID!!! Not only was that great, but the people we met at the parties came too. It was such a departure from Salt Lake, a lot of people here say they are going to come down, and you look for them, but they don't. They get busy I guess, and that is cool. It was nice that people set aside time to see us. We ROCK IT!!! We played so tight and our energy was so high. Every eye in the crowd was on us when we played. The crowd danced and we interacted. When we played our last song ("Taste...") the crowd cheered like they had heard it a hundred times and were just waiting for us to play "their" song. It was rad! Ryan actually got sponsored by a drum company after we played. He is getting a free kit to play on, HE GOT SPONSORED by Po' Boy Drums! He was so good. I heard the people in the front just going off about Janet, saying how sexy it was a that girl played bass. Allison and I danced together and audience loved it. Camden screamed and danced and caught eyes with every girl there. He was so on it. The show was so easy to play because the crowd was hanging on every note. They screamed for more when we were done. After the show I picked up so many business card, met so many nice people, and took pictures with a bunch of them. It was great and felt so good. I was pretty depressed the whole time we were gone, because I was away from my babies. I tried hard not to let it show and just went on with the day, but the show was a good release of pent up energy. I loved it, and I sang pretty well, if I do say so myself. We hung out with the Tulsa peeps after the show and it was great. They really cared about us and wanted to get to know us.

It was hard to get to sleep. We set off the next morning for Denver to stay a night with Camden's aunt Loree. They have a beautiful home, we could have moved in their basement and they wouldn't even have known. It was so nice to eat real food again and feel like I was getting some nourishment. We had a restful sleep that night because we were so close to home.

Monday was my birthday. We started the day with getting Starbucks. That was actually the first time I had ever gotten a drink from Starbucks, so I took a picture. Geek, I know, but there are so many good local coffee shops here I have never wanted to go to a chain. Blah. Long drive and then we made it home at about 5pm. It was beyond elation to see my children. My Elodie just hooked on too me like a monkey. Joaquin grabbed my hand and wouldn't let go. They had so much fun with their grandparents. I swear they grew in the five days we were gone. We unloaded and Cam's mom made dinner. Monro baked a cake for me, lemon with cream cheese icing. Sooooo goood. It was soooo good to be home. When I check our myspace page, we had 5 pages of friend request, YES I SAID 5! Three fourths were from Tulsa. They liked us they really really liked us! That has never happened after a SLC show. Maybe we are taken for granted here? Who knows?

Thank you Tulsa, D-Fest, Julee and Allen, Elodie, Joaquin, Monro, Kelli, Boone, Sky, Steele, Rick and pets, everyone that came to our shows this past year, Diane, Crystal, Allison, Ryan, Janet and my Camden for making this trip possible. We are opening for The Faint on Wednesday at In the Venue, so if you get a chance come on by and see us. Say hi, I like meeting people.
~Cheers~

Daddy and Elsa Visit Utah!

2008-06-30T13:14:00.000-07:00

My dad got married to Elsa in Peru I think in 2005, I know that it was around Christmas time. It took nearly three years of cutting through immigration red tape to get her to the United States. It was very expensive and complicated, but well worth it.

They came to Utah for an all too quick visit. She has never met anyone so it was very exciting and emotional. Elsa doesn't have kids of her own so we are her's now. My kids are so lucky to have another Grandma in their lives to love, cuddle, and teach them things. So many grandmas, it is hard to keep track.

They came last weekend. We were playing that night at the Art's Festival, I asked them if they wanted to come to our show to see us perform. I was answered with a unison "NO, we will stay with the babies!" So I cancelled the babysitter and my dad and Elsa stayed home with the kids; mine and Denson's. They all had so much fun. My dad's heart is so full of love for his grandkids, it is really great to see. We were so sad to see them leave. I cried all night. We hope to see them next summer when we can plan a long restful visit to Illinois. Until then pics back and forth will have to do. Boo.

The Frustration is UNFATHOMABLE! (said with great anger and lots of spit)

2008-06-25T20:53:00.000-07:00

I wish there was some magic bank account that mom's could dip into when their babies were really in need. A universal well that we all donate to, so that when a baby really needs help the cash is there. Not for candy, toys, or a cute outfit for some wayside occasion, but for their health and well being.

You would think this was our paid private insurance, but sadly no. The money that my husband gives (I say "gives", because the word "pays" implies some sort of service is exchanged and that hasn't really been happenin') to the insurance company every month only covers certain things at certain times and will only give you those services if you give the cute girl guarding the pen bouquet pot twenty more fucking dollars. (Yeah I said the f-word, wassup? Pissed here, real reason to swear). Private insurance can bite my ASS! It doesn't work for poor patients, it doesn't work for employees, it DOESN'T work! I don't understand why we should have to pay through the nose for something that I don't get to access. My little ultrasound I had the other day, that found nothing (thank goodness), and the girl belittled me and insulted my intelligence, cost us a pretty penny of $189.48 that we don't have! Nice huh?

But I digress, the real reason I am pissed is because I have been doing research on a new therapy method that could help Elodie and it is not covered my insurance. One of the practitioners of this method, lives so close to us, and does one on one sessions with children charges $150.00 for a half hour! GAH! There is no way we can afford that, and she would need several sessions. ARGH! It is very upsetting.

The method is called Anat Baniel Method of Feldenkrais. It has been proven to help all sorts of disorders and such. You should Google it, it is pretty interesting stuff. I could use it to ease my frustrations right about now. I have found a studio downtown that practices Feldenkrais, but not this particular method. I am not sure yet if there is much of a difference other than she (Anat Baniel) focuses on disabilities and disorders. I don't know yet if the other studio works with kids either. I have emailed them to see.

But really.... Blah, blah, blah whatever. I just want someone to help me teach my baby to walk. That is all I want in this world or any other, and if she won't ever be able to... That is fine, I would just like to be able try everything, everything I possibly can to help her and my sanity!

Senator Obama? Can you make that magic momma bank account for all the mom's out there that really need help for their babies? I hope you can! Oh and stop the war, and bring our troops home. What a job your gonna have, dude you are brave.

Past, Present, Future....

2008-06-20T09:29:00.000-07:00

I was thinking today that I should update the blog for all of my faithful readers. ; ) But I always check in on my friends when I do and came across Mandy's blog. She is an awesome blogger. She updates all the time. She has great pictures and funny stories that remind me of when I was living in Vernal and being a kid. She was tagged to do a "survey" of the past, present, and future. Once you read it your tagged. So if you have a blog you have to do this too and tell me so I can read yours. Here it goes.

20 Years Ago.....

1. I was almost nine and we were living in West Valley getting ready to move to Palo Alto, California. We only stayed about a year and a few months in both places. West Valley was really awful for me. I didn't have many friends and was terrorized by this evil neighbor kid. We were pretty unsupervised, as usual, but being in West Valley I was exposed to really horrible stuff at a very early age.

2. I was really depressed kid. My brother was an angry kid and took it out on me a lot. My aunt lived with us. We had dogs, Snuggles, Binky and Beau Jeau. My mom had a terrible boyfriend that I hated. I missed my grandparents a lot.

3. I started to read actual books. I loved the Baby Sitter's Club series, Anne of Green Gables and anything by Judy Bloom. I am so glad I found reading at this time. I would have been a lost kid with out it. I also loved to write stories and wanted to become a writer when I grew up. My other aunt Narvene taught me how to crochet. *Hugs,* three of my favorite things were discovered at this time.

10 Years Ago...

1. I was working as a photographer for Kiddy Kandids and Volume (the school portrait division). This time of year, I would have been starting on the Senior portraits and working in the studio. I was LOADED! No one that young should make that much money. I had no bills, except for my car and made about $25-$35 dollars an hour. Sigh.

2. I was living with Matt Farnsworth in my first apartment on 5oo East. It was such a weird place. The tenants below us would blare 50's pop all stinking day and night. So I would sing opera really loudly in the shower.

3. I met Monro's dad.

Camden and I eloping in our So. Temple apartment February 2003

5 Years Ago...

1. I was recently married to the man I was supposed to marry all along, Camden. We were living in our apartment on South Temple. Our neighbors were Alex and Eric and we would have dinner parties all the time.

2. My Monro was three and hated me. He didn't have the terrible twos, he had the terrible threes. He was so evil at times.

3. I just started esthetics school. I was working at IHC before that and was sick of wasting away in that office. I had three surgeries that year and needed to have more fun and support. I had to quit that awful office job.

3 Years Ago...

1. I was just barely pregnant with our Joaquin. We had just moved into this house in Holladay. Camden's studio was up and running and I was working in my esthetics room out of our house and Akasha. In July we would take our first real vacation together, to Oregon to see the waterfalls. It was kind of our belated honeymoon.

2. Monro was getting ready to start kindergarten at Morningside. He was doing well with moving into the new house, but me being pregnant was hard for him. He thought he would be replaced because he was/is only here half the time. I started the ridiculously hard and expensive process of trying to get full custody of him. One of the biggest regrets of my life, it caused such heart ache for Camden and me.

3. I was painting the living room three different colors. Ugh. It was so hard. I repainted it taupe last summer. The colors were too dark in the end.

Elodie on her birthday. We tried to get the NICU to give us this blanket, but they wouldn't. She's our little Valentine.

1 Year Ago...

1. Welcome Elodie! She was a little over a month old and cute as ever!

2. Joaquin was walking, talking and getting into everything. Somethings don't change. Monro had just finished the first grade and was still in karate.

3. Camden and I were so happy that our little family was complete, we got our girl. He was about to play the Art's Festival with Cavedoll. Back then it was just JanetMarie, him and the video.

Camden and Janet playing the Art's Festival last year.

So Far This Year...

1. Camden got a great job working for Albion Financial. The people he works with are so fun. He added Allison, Ryan and me to the live line up of Cavedoll and we have been playing like crazy. He released 15 albums this year. New stuff and old stuff. Hopefully he can stop for a bit now, but who knows if he can exhibit that sort of restraint.

2. I have tried my best at being Mommy of the Year. Only achieving this title in my own home. They all don't know any better. Their just kids.

3. Monro is going into the THRID grade! Joaquin is Mr. Mischief and Elodie is my angel face. They are all pretty cheerful and well adjusted kids. But I wish Joaquin would stop the screaming thing! Does my head in, it does!

Yesterday...

1. During the day we didn't do much. I crocheted, the kids played, Elodie and I did her therapy, and I shared a popsicle with Joaquin.

2. Camden came home and love was returned to my heart. It is a special time. I went to the store with Joaquin to grab something for dinner. Frozen pizza, see I did say "Mom of the Year."

3. Then we had band practice. It was a good practice, but the best thing that happened yesterday....SHOES! Allison got some free designer shoes from a friend and since we are the same size, she was generous enough to share the wealth! They are beautiful and I am so grateful. I normally just get Converse and Payless, so this was a crazy treat. They are so beautiful!

Today...

1. Well not much has gone on today since it is still early in the day.

2. Joaquin woke up with puffy eyes. He has allergies so I gave him some meds and he watched a movie cuddled on the couch in my shawl. He is now taking a nap because he is all drugged up. Monro is downstairs listening to Harry Potter books on CD and Elodie is playing on her new play rug.

3. I'm still in my jamas and when I am done with this I will do my daily yoga and then get cute. Not sure what to wear today. I will crochet, of course, and create. I hope to finish a present I am making. I hope to spend sometime with my busy husband. I want a date, damn it!

Tomorrow...

1. More cleaning and feeding of babies.

2. Shopping for groceries.

3. BBQ at Ryan and Kelli's. They have an amazing yard that is like a kid paradise. Tramp, bikes, basketball court, lots of soft green grass to roll in, and tons of fun kids to play with. For the grown ups there is a huge grill, lovely deck with comfy chairs, a fire and great company. It will be so fun. Our friends and their kids have been such an asset to our lives.

Next Year...

1. We don't have any set plans really. So I can only speculate.

2. Elodie will be walking and she will begin her preparation for the New York Ballet. Joaquin will be three and starting his second major label release. Monro will be nine and starting his first novel all about dragons and kung fu.

3. Camden and I will still be in love and hopefully he will learn to take more time to smell the roses. I don't know where I will be or what I will be doing. I have so many ideas. I have thought about going back to school, (yes, again) to get my nursing degree officially, or to do a yoga instructors' course. I'm not sure. I do know that if I go, I'm going to need a lot of help and support and all of that isn't in place. I would fail ridiculously if my babies weren't cared for or if we have to put them in daycare. I feel that this time before the kids go to school is my cocoon phase. I need to use this time to figure out what I'm going to do with myself once my babies are all off being big kids. Hooray FUTURE!

So yeah....TAG YOU'RE IT!!!

The Elodie Sessions 2

2008-06-03T11:25:00.000-07:00

Elodie had another physical therapy session yesterday. She did so well. It is really amazing how quickly she is learning. Elodie even learned a new skill. She now can change position from laying flat on her back, to sitting on her bum. Woo-hoo, this is huge! She bounced on the yoga ball, reached way up high for toys, and did some tall kneeling. All of these "play" exercises will help her strengthen her back and abdomen and will help her eventually engage her legs.

Emily suggested we get some orthopedic shorts called "hipsters," they have a webbing in between the legs. These things are designed to keep baby's legs from doing the "W" sit. Which is when the kid sits with their legs bent underneath them, but instead of the feet being tucked in under their bum, the feet point outward toward the side. This kind of sitting is not good for Elodie's hips and could cause her to have a wide staggered walk, when she does eventually start walking. So immediately when we were finished with the session I went online to look for the shorts.

I couldn't find them anywhere on the web, but I did find something I think will work way better. They are called Happy Straps. They are like the shorts in that they will help keep Elodie's legs from splaying out to the side, but they are like a belt and can go over or under her clothes. I think these will be much easier to deal with then the shorts. The shorts I guess are made of neoprene and we do early potty training with Elodie, so there would be no easy on and off. Anyone that has put tights on a baby knows what a fight that is. I can't even imagine dealing with that everyday! No thanks! The Happy Straps just unsnap and drop. Bam, baby on potty!

The woman that invented the Happy Straps invented them for her son who has hypotonia, after not being able to find something that worked to tuck his legs into the right position. She got the short thingies and they proved to be an easy match for her son. While wearing them he still could do the "W" sit. He started wearing her invention and now he runs, jumps, and tumbles just like any other little boy. Her name is Janet and she herself emailed me when I had some questions. How great is that? She had a genuine interest in Elodie and her condition. Happy Straps has great costumer service, she even dropped me a line when the straps shipped out today! I can't wait to get them and try them out on Elodie. She will probably hate them at first, because they won't let her move in the incorrect way she is used to. She will adapt, she is a fighter!

Elodie's therapist Emily is going to be moving on to a new job with the Primary Children's group, so we are going to get a new person soon. I hope that Elodie takes to her new therapist as well as she did Emily. But my girl likes to meet new people and isn't that shy. Elodie is moving like crazy all over the floor and has such a need to get up and explore. It is great to see. Keep sending her good vibes, she will keep improving, and I will keep updating. I am so stinking proud of her!

Attack of the Lady Bits!!!

2008-05-21T13:55:00.000-07:00

This just seems like the most frustrating thing. Why do women's sexual organs start to attack their host? I have been having this pain on my right side for about two weeks and it has finally become unbearable. I went to the see the nurse practitioner this morning. My regular doctor is on maternity leave. The nurse practitioner is named Paulette and was a total glamazon, I loved her, styling from head to toe. You could take bad news from a girl like her, you'd be so distracted by her cute capris and boots to care. I didn't get any bad news really, but I did have to go in for an ultrasound.

So I went back to the hospital for an ultrasound later this afternoon. This all turned out sucky for me. First thing, I had to have a full bladder. My lady friends know how bad this, they push and glide the wand over your full bladder and it takes every ounce of strength not to pee everywhere. Second thing, my bladder wasn't full enough, so the tech had to use the other wand, the internal wand yuk! The technician was so upset and exasperated by this, frankly so was I. How do you know how full your bladder is? If you have too pee, then it should seem good enough, right? It never is, it's never simple. Third thing, the technician was rude. She was kind of annoyed about my abdominal plasty scar. Saying that the reason I was having this pain was because of scar tissue that could be forming around the scar. Yeah, that could happen, but I know that is not what is happening! I had my surgery months ago and have been healed for months. This pain just started two weeks ago. It was as if she was judging me because of getting plastic surgery. I wanted to yell at her, "Look you aren't a doctor, you have no idea when I had my surgery, and you have no idea what I am feeling! So keep your uneducated diagnosis to yourself." I didn't of course because I am a wimp, but I did say, "I would prefer to hear what the doctor has to say, thanks." People need to perform their work correctly and speak within the scope of their license. An ultrasound technician license does not make you a junior radiologist! It just doesn't!

So yeah that was my crap day. I think my ovary is attacking me and I got attitude from the ultasound technician. Uh! I won't know what is up with me until tomorrow. But I don't think it is anything serious. Probably just a cyst, I have had them before. I don't know why women have to deal with this stuff all the time. Cramps, blood, moods, cysts, babies, water weight enough all ready! Just be chill lady bits, please!

Once Upon a Time...

2008-05-18T15:32:00.000-07:00

Me @ 17-------------------------------------------->
I watched a great movie the other night. "Into the Wild," it is a book, and I can't wait to read it. I usually read the books first and then have lots to complain about when I see the movie. It reminded me of a person I used to be ten years ago. Before babies, jobs, school, divorce, pain and love. I was an immensely confident person, cocky at times, but with that came fearlessness. I was so not shy. I would laugh loud and sing out whatever song was stuck in my head. I would wear ballet costumes to the grocery store and see how many flowers I could fit in my hair. I would hardly wear make-up and had no concerns if I looked gorgeous with or without it. I had no fear of dirt or natural water and didn't mind if I got a stain on my shirt. I made or altered all my clothes, and in my junior year rarely wore the same thing twice. I was a bohemia girl, a classy type of hippy. I loved people truly and deeply without the fear of getting a big fat fuck you when I needed some love or help. I danced, I sang, I acted, I screamed, I called people to hang out, I looked for ways to push myself and push I did. Maybe too far, to the point I guess where I craved a closed mouth.

I was big in spirit and then something happened. I became domesticated. I have been trained so to speak, to not speak. I have given in to what is liked and not liked. I have lived for awhile, to some extent, to please and not to be pleased. I feel as if I have to watch my words, watch myself and not be that big spirit that is hiding. I love my life. I know right now it doesn't sound pleasant, but it really is! I have loved being there for my hubby and kids and don't plan on changing that whatsoever. I just feel I have given in a lot to my husband and kids like a lot of women do. I am not very fussy and giving is in my nature. I would much rather make people happy then get my way.

But being this way I have recently noticed it has caused a great deal of self doubt and insecurity that I never had before. I question myself all the time and feel like a dork for being expressive. I really used to fight against this as a kid, but forgot how. Just as an example, the other night we played a show and I went crazy. I dance, sang, shouted, acted, pretended, became the girl I once was....but afterward I felt so LAME! I felt that I was far too over the top, because when I see bands I just see boys stand and play. They are rarely shaking it at all, and never show their underwear, yeah, I kinda showed my underwear. Our last drummer kinda pick on my about talking too much to the audience and that I needed to take things more seriously. So that seed of insecurity was planted. When I let loose I feel like I will disappoint people. Friday I got so much positive feedback, but still on the way home I was beating myself up. Ugh. I hate this feeling. I hate feeling censored all the time. But sometimes, I think it is too far to turn back and find that girl that wore tutus to Wal-Mart and couldn't have cared less.

This is my personal struggle that I am trying hard to overcome. If anyone out there feels the same thing and is having the same inner fight I would love to hear what you are doing to conquer it. I am entering a time of spiritual growth and plan to not compromise that very much. She has had too much pruning as it is.

Elodie's Big Day!

2008-05-12T11:12:00.000-07:00

We had a great day yesterday. Camden made us all breakfast and bought flowers for me. Then once we all got up and around we went to the park to play. Elodie got to swing in the big kid swing and play on the playground. After a nap we had CAKE, yellow cake with chocolate icing. Elodie ate the whole piece and we were so scared she was going to get sick like Joaquin did with the sugar cookie. Monro made a lovely card and painting for my Mother's Day present. Joaquin told me "I luh loo," and Elodie turned one for me! It was such a beautiful day and here are the pictures <---Click it is a link!

The Elodie Sessions

2008-05-02T11:40:00.000-07:00

Here is our little miss getting ready for her first therapy session with Emily the physical therapist from DDI Advantage. Elodie has hypotonia, which means that she has low muscle tone in her trunk and legs. Some other kids with this have it very severe throughout their whole body. She is just floppy and her legs frog out to the side when she is on her tummy or when she is on her back.

She is going to get therapy to strengthen her lower body. I am really excited to get this going. Emily was very nice. She seems like she has endless patience. It will be fun working with her. Elodie took to her quite well which is good. Elodie is pretty mellow when she meets new people, but she doesn't like it when you have to mess with her. Elodie doesn't like to get her clothes changed, lotion on, or shifted in different positions. I think that is from being in the NICU. The nurses were constantly fussing with her when she was in there. I can totally understand.

We have set very realistic goals to work on in the next few months. First, we are going to work on her sitting without bracing herself with her hands for at least twenty minutes. Next we are going to get her to stand assisted by holding on to the couch or holding on to our hands for at least two or three minutes. Emily gave us some exercises to help strengthen her. Elodie will be have sessions twice a month for now, but it may increase or decrease as she goes along.

Also DDI gave us a lot of information on classes and groups they provide for parents. I am really excited about this because no one I hang out with has kids. No one! I feel at times I am in the mommy bubble. No one really gets my life and what it is like to have to take care of little people all day and all night. I love it and it is the greatest job, but yeah- sometimes it is a bitch, like all jobs. This job is forever and you don't get any breaks. I don't even get to go to the bathroom by myself! Now that Joaquin is training he is all about watching people pee. Ugh. Anyway. I hope to meet new people. It will be nice to know parents that get what it is like to have young ones, especially ones that need more assistance. Woo-Hoo! I am excited and will be posting a lot on Elodie's progress. She has already been doing so well just from me working with her. Now that she will be getting professional help, she will be walking before we know it! Wish her LUCK!

Chicks dig scars.

2008-04-30T13:08:00.001-07:00

You can kind of see in this way close picture of Joaquin that we took his stitches out. I was going to take him to the ER to do it. But I just waited for Camden to get home and we took them out in the kitchen. I used to pull out NG tubes and heart caths so this was no biggy. Joaquin was so good and held pretty still. The cut has healed nicely. I don't think there will be much of a scar. We have to be good about putting sunblock on it and I do that anyway. I am a bit agro about the block. If you don't want to look crazy old then use it! Everyday no matter what! Even on cold crap days like this one. Are we ever going to get more than two days of sun again? Seriously. I am freezing.

Lack of iron makes me RANT!!!

2008-04-28T06:12:00.000-07:00

I have decided to wake up early before the kids in order to get things done and work on projects and whatever. This is the first morning I have done it, so I have no idea what to do with myself. I am bloggin.' I have been scary low in the energy department and anemia has seeped out the remaining stores I had. Bah. I am getting better with the help of Camden and my supplements.

I saw this morning on the news that some of the mothers of the children caught up in the FLDS fiasco claim that the Texas government have lost two of their children. WHAT?!? What the hell is the Texas attorney general doing? What is the plan with these families?

The FLDS people have been living in Texas for decades. Obviously, everyone sort of knew what was going on there, the men have multiple partners and millions of children. They have been left pretty much alone until this hoax call was made by a woman in Denver. The Texas government busted in and separated hundreds of kids from their moms, seemingly with no plan whatsoever. Except for DNA tests for some reason, I guess the kids aren't telling who their parents are if they even know who their parents are that is, and now some of the kids might be lost!

I don't agree with any of the FLDS philosophies. What I know anyway, I think is weird. I think that if old men are getting teens pregnant then the MEN should be thrown in prison. Duh. That is the law after all. But why are the women and children being punished for the men's sex crimes? If it is true that the women are subdued and the men are completely in charge in this society, why haven't they arrested any men? Or why hasn't the Texas government separated the men from the women and the children? Why are they doing this now when for years the FLDS sect has lived in Texas being freaky and weird? Plenty of people have left the church with claims of under age sex and abuse, why have no other charges been placed until now? Why is no one asking these questions of the Texas government? I just don't get what is going on here.

This whole thing also reinforces the FLDS churches fears of the outside world. Those who remain faithful after all this is somehow taken care of, are going to wrap their families into tighter little bundles and create more fear of all who are outside their church. The Texas government seems to be taking the gestapo approach. I feel so horrible for these mothers and kids, who probably don't even know if any crime has been committed or what the hell is going on! If I am confused imagine how they feel.

As my babies sleep in the next room, imagining them being taken from me creates a deep sinking nauseating feeling all through out my body. How those children got into this world may have been a crime or even unconventional, but they are here now and they need their mommas to take care of them. Why can't the moms be with the babies? If they think that the mothers are brainwashed and will put the children in harm's way, then the government should psychologically evaluate the mothers. They do that in all custody cases. But that will not happen, the moms won't talk out of fear. They have every reason now to be afraid, if the government can just take your kids with no real reason and hold them indefinitely who wouldn't be afraid?

I am going to figure out how to get an email to the Texas attorney general. Moms if they are not hurting their babies, should be with their babies. PERIOD. I know we find their lives strange and their hair is freaky, but if the moms are not breaking the law we shouldn't judge them for their out there lifestyle and let them have their creepy ways and kids back.

I wonder what the Mormon church and Mormons thinks of all this. They keep getting lumped in with the FLDS people in the media. As a citizen of Utah, I know that this is no longer so, but what do the leaders of the Mormon church have to say about all the lumping together? I haven't heard if they have released a statement to the media. If they have I would like to read it. Those poor missionaries out there having to explain everything to people when they knock on doors. Well, I guess they have had to do that anyway even before all this Texas stuff. The whole plural marriage really sticks in people's heads. I hope all the kids are okay, and hope they aren't too traumatized as well as the moms. I think if my kids were about to be taken from me, I would have to be shot with several tranquilizer darts like a crazed polar bear. Lack of iron and energy be damned, I would loose my mind! Hold your kids tight and be grateful. I know I will.

Num num num!

2008-04-26T16:24:00.000-07:00

<----Joaquin on his first birthday!---:::

One of the great things about having a baby is feeding it. Nursing is so lovely at times. For me I loved it when we were all alone at night, by the light of the television, and the only sound was my baby's snorts as it was trying to breathe under my enormous breast. Yeah, the mams got big, scary big! That is one reason why I packed it in and went to bottles.

Oh bottles... They spill, they stink, and now it seems they are poisoning babies and making them hyperactive. What?!? Frightening how many everyday things are doing or not doing serious harm to our babies. Meh. It is an amazing feet that we survived. I don't think I even wore a seat belt until I was 14, but I digress.

The point of this rambling blog is that we are almost finished with the bottle stage all together. Elodie is turning a year in two weeks and we will be finished with formula forever!!! She really has weaned herself. She is down to about 24 ounces a day of formula and getting most of her nutrients from real food. She loves to eat. She especially likes trying new things that she can feed herself.

Today for her lunch Camden gave her cheese, pepperoni, and strawberries. It was sensory overload. Sour, sweet, bitter, spicy she really was into it. She was throwing back her head and saying, "Num, num,num!" When my girl likes something, she dances. She throws her arms up with happy fist, shakes her waist, and smiles big, free and easy. It is the best thing ever and gets me moving as well. She will even do it if I sing a swinging tune to her.

I can't wait to give her her birthday cake. It is also my last first birthday cake. Boo. Monro when he had his, shoved in the cake with such gusto and licked his tray until he fell back with a look of pure cake euphoria. Joaquin was a little more subdued. He took a lot more coaxing. I think that his reluctance stemmed from a cookie incident at Christmas. He ate a huge sugar cookie and then barfed it up. But eventually he dove right into his first cake and the love for sugar was born,(: see picture above :).

I will be so happy to see the bottles and their messiness go in two weeks! But most of all I will be so very proud on her birthday. Proud that I did my very best to feed, grow and love a perfect little girl. That's my Elodie! Now the question is... what kind of cake do we give her? Hmmm. Chocolate I think, yes indeed! Bollocks to carrot cake, that is what Camden and Monro always choose. What do they know about birthday cake?

So this is MY blog

2008-04-25T11:22:00.000-07:00

Since my son Joaquin was born I have been sending out a picture emails with updates on our family and the every day events we experience. I decided that I should start doing my updates here on the web for more than just my email list to see and experience. We have friends and family all over the globe now.

Ta-da! A blog is born. I was blogging for Camden on the Cavedoll blog, but I think that is better left an MP3 blog. Here I will have my hilarious ramblings that make me so unique and lovable and I can say whatever I like! HAHAHA!

So subscribe, send this link to other friends and family, pass it around to all who are near and far. The content will be much the same as my picture emails. I will probably post more here, because I don't usually send out too many emails. I don't like to bug people. It is clearly your choice to tune in and see your favorite family The Chamberlains (or Chambanguones all 3 last names combine, wah!). Send me a link to your blog or website and I will post it to my "Lovely Links."

I hope you read along and comment often and create a blog for your own family if you haven't. Loves to all! ~Knessa~